Heh, I know that doing/thinking anything for 15 years is going to become a habit, but geez, I kind of figured that once the realization hit, it would be a lot easier. Alas, no, I still hold on to some hope, mostly of the subconscious type, and somehow that makes me feel even more foolish than I did before. UUUUUUUGH. I think if the whole thing had been a bit more ridiculous (like my dream of fighting zombies with an aging black cat and saving the world as I bike across country to the west coast) this wouldn't be so hard.
I guess subconsciously, I don't really want to give it up. I don't know. I need to. SIGH. Anyway, I suppose this poster I found online says it more succinctly than I can:
It's inevitably going to fail, but I'll hang on for now I guess. Damnit.
Sometimes being an optimist suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
2) I've got an update on my brother, and thank all of you that sent up a prayer or vibes, or whatever you people out there do.
My mom talked to the first surgeon and he refused to do the originally proposed surgery. He said that it was way too risky, and with my brother's health being the way it is, there was a very high chance that he wouldn't survive. However, he was going to need to have at least some kind of surgery, or he wouldn't survive anyway. So...you know...that's great for a mom to hear, right? However, the first surgeon referred them to a second doctor that specializes in robotic surgery, who figured out a way to do what needed to be done, but way less invasively and with a much shorter healing time. As far as we know, his surgery will be at the end of this month, so please keep on praying or doing what you do, for both my brother and my mom, because it will still be a scary procedure with a certain amount of risk involved.
Silver lining, though, is that it can be done and, if done successfully, will help him feel a lot better!
3) Oh, y'all...
Last night, after I'd gone to bed, I was lying there reading something on my iPad (as one does) when I realized that I needed to charge the thing before going to sleep. I sat up and reached for the remote for the overhead light so that I could turn it on and find the charging cable. The remote is located on a shelf built into the headboard, and only required me to sit up and hit one button. Now, I know that I was solidly on the bed, and I know that I didn't intend to shift or turn or do anything other than sit up, but somehow I managed to move in such a way that the mattress compressed, gravity took over, and I lost my balance.
That might seem like a minor bump in the road for most people, but you need to understand the geography of my little corner of the bedroom. The bed is big. Not wide, like a king sized bed, but quite high and built like a waterbed because it sits on top of a wooden platform containing drawers. My side of the bed is also about arms length from the wall on which hangs a television, and in-between is a squatty little table where I keep stuff. So were I to fall, there are many things on my body that would get tangled, folded, banged up, and probably concussed.
It being dark, my mind got doubly confused about the physics of the situation, because I didn't have any way to orient myself. Time suddenly slowed down, in the way that it does just before disaster, and I had time for some very clear thoughts. As I started to go over the side this is what ran through my head:
I'm falling off the bed.
Wait, what? I'm FALLING OFF THE BED!
I'M A GROWN ASS WOMAN AND I'M FALLING OFF OF THE BED! I can't do that! That's what little kids do!
If I fall off the bed I might die, because I know I'm going to fold in half and hit my head on something and things are going to get scraped. It's imperative that I DO NOT FALL OFF OF THE BED LIKE A TODDLER!
Oh, God, everything is going to hurt so badly when I hit the ground!
Now imagine all of this happening in slow motion while I am madly teetering on the edge of the mattress trying to regain my balance (and if it helps the visual, imagine the music from "Inception" playing in the background.) I went over the edge, my iPad went flying, and I don't know what sound I made, but it brought Steve from the other end of the house. I didn't actually hit the floor, because I threw out my arm just in the nick of time and caught myself against the wall and managed to pull every muscle on that side of my body, but I did manage NOT to end up in a Celtic knot underneath my nightstand! There was some collateral damage, though. When my iPad flew out of my hands, it slammed against the edge of my side table and now the screen is borked, but I got a good laugh out of the whole situation, and isn't that the important thing in the end? Haha!