Today I woke up out of a dead sleep in a complete panic.
I've been waking up this way, every day, for going on almost three months now. I wrote a post about this a bit ago and I'd hoped that things would ease up, but they haven't. It's not just a brief feeling of panic that goes away quickly, but something that starts almost the minute that I open my eyes and just gets worse until I manage to climb out of bed and force myself to think of other things while I'm getting ready for work. Even then, it follows me around. I HATE IT.
I decided to try and figure this out when it had been going on for a few weeks. If I could understand what is bothering me enough to cause the panic attack, maybe I could fix that and make it stop. So I started to keep a mental log every morning when it happened to try and get a better understanding of it. But it isn't that cut and dry. When I first wake up, I'm not thinking of anything in particular, especially not anything that would be worrying me. Almost immediately my hands and chest start to tingle, my heart starts to race, I can't breathe, I get hot all over and my skin starts to crawl. There is literally no thought in my head causing it, it just starts for no reason. However, apparently the way my brain works is like it's thinking "Ok, I'm panicking, and I can't panic without a reason! Here is a reason!" and then the things that bother me come crashing in on me. And the stuff I am suddenly anxious about, like: I worry about my brother's surgery and if it will be successful and how my mom is going to handle it, or the fact that I have a close friendship that seems to have changed in some fundamental way that I don't understand with zero explanation and that concerns me, or that I have another very good friend who is sick and may not get better, not to mention my general job situation. All of those things are certainly things that are concerning, but none of them should be waking me up in a blind panic in the morning and following me around all day.
Look, I know I sound crazy. I know this. Thing is, I don't really think this is a thing that is all in my head. The fact that I'm waking up tabula rasa and still in a panic, before the thought of the day crashes in on me, must mean that something physical is going on, right? Some kind of weird chemical thing? I don't know. I should probably see a doctor, but what do I say? If something hurts, that's easy to explain, but when you say "constant panic attacks" all they want to do is drug the personality out of you. I hope that doesn't happen.
Sigh. Anyway, sorry to complain. I just hate feeling like this. I'd like to feel normal again and not worry beyond what a normal person does. I know people who don't give a damn about anything, or if they do, they don't let it get to them too badly. I wish I could be like that. I stopped trying to avoid feeling stuff and look what happened! Feelings are bullshit. I was right. People don't have patience with your feelings. They don't want to hear about them and they certainly don't want to get involved. They just avoid you til you feel better, or at least until you stop talking about them. I don't want to bother people. I know I'm bothering you right now, gentle reader, but I'd like to think that if you are here, you care a little bit. Heh.
Thank you for listening. I hope this goes away soon.