Monday, April 25, 2011


It's been a while since I've taken a trip to Crazy Town, hasn't it?

That's actually a really great thing, of course. I've had the theory that it's probably due to the breathing machine, even if I'm not keeping it on for very long. Maybe the extra oxygen has kept me tethered to the real world. However, I'm not so sure anymore. I've also begun to wonder if it might be better to take short trips into that hazy land of insanity more often rather than to save it up and only go occasionally.

Saturday night, I went to bed a while before Steve did. Of course, I had to strap my head into that torture device that I hate so much, but since I was so tired, it didn't take me very long to fall asleep. I don't remember anything after falling asleep, like having bad dreams or whatever, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up and all I could see was this hulking, black silhouette standing by the bed. I did what any semi-rational person would do:

I. Lost. My. Mind.

As I've mentioned before, I have an unusually strong self preservation instinct when I am startled, one that would be normal for any Vietnam vet who had been caught in a surprise attack. Of course, I am not a Vietnam vet. I'm not even sure where it comes from, although I think it might be post traumatic stress disorder from growing up with with my big sister, who was often ninja-like in her attacks on me as a little girl. Whatever causes it, I will do my best to incapacitate anyone who I think is trying to hurt me.

Since I was in bed, I didn't have much around me to protect myself with, so I used what was at hand. Unfortunately, what was at hand was the very expensive BiPAP machine that was strapped to my head. I started to scream and throw things, starting with the chin strap. I don't even know how I got that off without ripping my hair out, but that went first. Then, I somehow pulled the mask off of my face (without unhooking the straps to that, so I'm lucky my nose and ears are still attached to my head) and I started swinging that like some kind of weapon. In my half-addled state, I believed that I sent that thing flying towards the dark figure hard enough to knock it over, but in reality, it never actually left my hand. By that time I was crying and gasping, and I had woken up enough to realize that dark shape was Steve. He said that I started cursing and freaking out when he opened the door to come to bed. When I started really wigging out, he went full raccoon-in-the-headlights and stayed still until I calmed down. That was probably for the best, or he might have gotten bitten or something.

When I was fully awake, I realized that I came within an ace of flinging the actual air pump across the room, which would have made our insurance company very sad. It probably would have given Steve a concussion as well, because that little bastard is substantial. The only reason the machine itself had not been launched across the room was because I had ripped the air hose out of the compressor when I tried to throw the mask. It separated from the BiPAP, which was left barely hanging on to the side table. Luckily, I was able to reattach everything and the machine still works. Whew.

So let that be a warning to any of you who may find me asleep and feel the need to wake me up. Please do it gently, or there is a really good chance I will come at you like a spider monkey swinging a mace.

1 comment:

amy said...

I was thinking your intruder would end up being a cardboard wookiee (shudder)