Tuesday, April 19, 2011


1) I had quite the uncomfortable moment after church Sunday morning. Before I can tell you what happened, though, a little background is necessary.

Our church has a few members from from a near-by home for special people. I kind of hate to call it that, but I don't know how else to explain it. The men from this home range from people with only slight mental issues to some with severe problems. They are generally a sweet bunch of guys, and they are usually very well behaved. There is one guy, though, whom I'll refer to as "Mike." Mike is one of the guys who had more problems than the others. He used to come to our church years ago, but he had a problem with not knowing how to behave appropriately with the ladies. He never did anything really bad or anything, but he had to be told more than once NOT to touch the pretty sweaters of some of our female members. I don't know if that talking to caused him not to want to come back to our church for a while, but Mike was gone for a couple of years after that. He only recently began coming back to our church, and it's apparent that whatever kind of mental issues he has have gotten worse.

Anyway, Steve and I were standing in the lobby of the church after services waiting on his father to join us. We were in the middle of talking to a couple of people when all of a sudden we hear:


We didn't have time to move or anything, because we didn't know what was going on, but the crowd parted and Mike came right at me. The next thing I knew he had his hands on my leg and he was rubbing my boots! I was wearing my black, mid-calf boots, so he was rubbing all over my leg! I didn't know what to do! I mean, the last thing I'd do is sucker-punch a special-needs member of our congregation, so all I could do is say "Yep! Yep, I'm wearing boots!" Luckily Mike walked away still saying "Bootsbootsbootsboots!" and pointing at me. I was in a circle of people who were trying not to laugh, still going "Yep! Yep! Yep!" as he walked away. I was manhandled in our church lobby and all I could do is stand there sounding like one of the "Yip Yip" aliens from Sesame Street. I was so embarrassed. At last, one of our deacon's wives came up to me and said "Lucky it was just about your boots and not 'boobsboobsboobsboobs!' this time." I had to agree.

Silver linings and all that.


2) Our church voted in a new music minister, which is nice! Our music can finally get back to some kind of normalcy now. He seems to be a very nice man, and he has a lot of kids! He has one daughter that our minister says looks exactly like me. I never got to see her up close, so I have no idea how much we look alike, but I did see my pastor go over to the husband of my supposed twin and point me out to him. I'm guessing to tell him that I look an awful lot like his wife. I hope that guy wasn't offended or anything. I mean, I'd hate to think the preacher was there, pointing me out, and the guy was thinking "You think she looks like that woman in the back? Goat girl from Mars? Nice. I'll pay for her plastic surgery immediately!" I'm not so sure she'd be flattered!

3) Rorschach bit me! I don't think it was so much an angry bite as it was a no-social-skills bite. It wasn't deep, but it bled a lot. Afterwards, the cat kept looking at me like...what? What did I do? I just bit you, you big baby. I'm still cute! You can still feed me! However, I was having none of it. We were no longer friends. Today, though, when I went outside to get the mail, there was Rorschach, looking cute and following me around outside. I told him we weren't friends anymore since he bit me, but he still kept rubbing all over my legs and being cute. Finally, I told him I'd pet him one more time, but if he bit me again, I'd throw him like a lawn dart. So I petted him and he licked my toe. Now we're friends again. Stupid cat.

4) The last of my sea monkeys finally died on Saturday. Paul was the last remaining adult, and somehow a baby had been hatched and had been swimming about for a few days. However, they both died about the same time, so I had to get rid of their mortal remains. I couldn't bring myself to just flush them, so we had a brief service in the corner of the yard. I wore my big funeral hat, sang "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" and then we had Amazing Grace played on bag pipes. It was quite moving.

5) I am a giant dork. I'm surprised I haven't been reduced to no-social-skills biting like Rorschach. Usually, I am pretty good about being able to talk to people that I don't know well, even if I'm dying of awkwardness on the inside, but there are a few people out there who reduce me to babbling idiocy in a manner of seconds without even trying. I tried talking to one of these people recently, a person I'd like to be friends with, but I can't seem to talk to them without seriously sounding like I hadn't been interacting with people for very long. I think from now on, any time I speak to them, I'll just go ahead and do a preemptive face-palm. I'm a giant dork.

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