THE NOOG: MAY 2023

Completely out of character for us as of late, we went on a quick overnight trip to Chattanooga.

It was my fault.

As most of you might know, Steve doesn't like to travel because he travels so much for work now (plus we have wildly different ideas about where we'd go, and if he's bored he makes it obvious) so we rarely go on vacations anymore. I love to travel, but I can't go alone because the world sucks and I don't feel safe doing it. So, when Steve told me he had a band concert in Chattanooga (one he does every year, but I never attend because of reasons that are my business) I asked if he wanted me to go with him. Mainly, I wanted to get out of our house for a while, and I thought this would be a good chance to do so. The band concert would be incidental! He was surprised, I think.

We also invited Anthony, because he's family, and he said that he couldn't make it as early as we were going (he teaches and had an early class that day) but that he would meet us there that afternoon and we could have dinner and do some stuff! From there we made dinner reservations and planned to attend an event at the Chattanooga Zoo - Spirits in the Wild -where you can drink, eat, and be around animals! 

Once I realized that the event ran until 9, I talked Steve into getting a hotel room for us so that we didn't have to drive back so late, especially if we would be having cocktails at this event. I was really kind of surprised when he agreed to do it!  We had a little bit of a problem getting a room because some big events were happening in Chattanooga that weekend, so we had to get a place just a smidge out of town, but it wasn't too far away.

Unfortunately, the actual reason for the trip got cancelled. His concert was called because there was supposed to be rain, but we'd already bought tickets to the zoo thing and had the dinner and hotel reservations, and it was within 24 hours of all of it before we knew about the cancellation, so we decided to go anyways. I felt really bad. I knew Steve would have rather not gone, but he also didn't want to lose the money we'd already spent. Eh, well, carpe diem, I guess. Heehee.

So we left late on Saturday morning and made it into Chattanooga by about 10:00 AM. It was so busy! The Chattanooga Ironman triathlon was scheduled for that weekend, and streets were blocked off and people in spandex were everywhere with their fancy, flat bikes! We finally found a place to park and got out to walk around. I'm not unfamiliar with the Ironman event (I have a cousin who coaches the people who do them) but I had no idea the scale of the thing. There was a whole village of tents set up for the athletes and a big shop where you can buy merch. Athletes were testing out the route on bikes and running, and there was a whole parking lot full of bikes and bags. It was a bit overwhelming. I really just don't "get" it though. Don't get me wrong, I have a deep awe and respect for people who can do that sort of thing and I know it takes months of training and discipline, but I don't understand why they want to do it. It seems like an incredibly brutal thing to put yourself though. Of course, I say this as someone who almost died trying to run a 5k on a hot day, so maybe I don't understand because my body rejects the very idea of that kind of physical activity! At any rate, despite my confusion with why, mad respect to everyone who participated (except for the one guy who was resting on the sidewalk that tried looking up my skirt. I hope his shoe clips got stuck in the pedals of his fancy bike when he tried to get off and it took him two tries to transfer to the next stage of the race, negatively affecting his personal PR. I also hope the banana he got at the snack tent was bruised.) Perv.

Despite my feeling bad that I got us caught up in all of that and obligated to stay out of town, we actually had a good time, I think. We walked around, ate snacks at a couple of the local places, and shopped a bit. we also stopped and had a couple of midday cocktails (one that didn't affect me at all, but another in a place a couple of hours later that caused me to do some expensive drunk shopping at the Hot Chocolatier. I regret nothing.) 

Anthony got there just in time for our dinner reservations at a place called Tupelo Honey Cafe. the food was fantastic! I picked it blindly when looking for a place to eat because it was close to downtown, but I'd gladly eat there again. I didn't know it was a chain, but you wouldn't really know it!  We left there to go to the zoo, and the rain started pouring down by the time we got there. We got some shitty gift shop ponchos, though, and powered through! That was actually a lot of fun, I thought, even with the rain. You could walk up to any booth or bar and eat and drink as much as you wanted, and you got to see all the different animals! Don't worry, after my afternoon cocktail excitement, I had about 4 sips of the drink they gave me when I walked in and decided that I'd rather be sober thankyouverymuch. 

The highlight of my evening was that I got to feed a giraffe! You could pay 5 dollars and get a hand full of lettuce, and they let you feed a male giraffe named George! I loved him! Anthony took some pictures of me doing it, and despite my face, it was great. George licked me by accident, though. Ah, well, how many people can say they've been licked by a giraffe? 

My face is a whole journey!

We stayed until almost closing, but Anthony had to leave for Huntsville. He wasn't able to stay overnight because A) He couldn't get a room, and B) he had to drive to Memphis the next day to visit his folks, so Steve and I said our goodbyes and headed off to the hotel to sleep!

The next day was very chill. We avoided going downtown because the race was going on, so we drove around a bit and then headed home. It was a short, and enjoyable, little trip! 

ONE THING

 Ok, I know this is random, but it is a thing I’ve only recently become aware of.

You know that song “One Headlight” From 1997? That song gives me creeping anxiety. Like, it’s bad enough that it makes my stomach feel weird. I don’t know what it is, but whenever I hear it, I feel like I’m reliving some kind of mild trauma that I can’t put my finger on.

In fact, it was only after recently hearing that song and realizing how uncomfortable it made me that I also realized there are several songs from around that time, of a similar genre, that make me feel weird and I don’t know why. Granted, that wasn’t the greatest time of my life, but it wasn’t anything I would consider bad enough to get flashbacks from.

Am…am I repressing something? 

EVEN MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) You know, I appreciate people who are being supportive of me since I had weight loss surgery, I really do. However, it's hilarious to me (albeit understandable) that there is so little understanding about how the whole thing worked.

I had someone recently point to an outfit and say "Hey, you should wear something like that!" and it was shorts and a kind short top. Cute enough outfit, but not a thing I'd ever be brave enough to wear. I said as much and they were like "WHY?! You've lost weight, you should be able to wear anything you want now!"

Here's the thing. Yes, I lost 90 pounds, but I lost it fast. When that happens, your body doesn't...react the same way as it would if you lose it over a longer period of time. I had to tell them that I didn't magically start looking like a supermodel when I lost weight. That doesn't compute to a lot of people. Basically, I had to explain that, from mid torso down, it looks like I opened my eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened. Heehee! 

2) Last week I went to Dismals Canyon! It's funny to me that I've heard about that place, heard that it is gorgeous and amazing and has freaking GLOW WORMS, and I've never made more of an attempt to go there. Anthony, who is a dedicated hiker and a member of the Land Trust in Huntsville, ended up reading about it and got proactive about getting tickets to the night hike. Apparently, it's like trying to win an old school radio contest to get those, but we got spots for the 8:45 tour.

We actually went up much earlier to hike the 1.5 mile trail in the canyon, and it was gorgeous. Even though there was a prepared trail down to the canyon floor, the walk down wasn't the easiest one to traverse after the wooden stairs stopped, just because of the rocks and stuff, but once you got down there it was fine. It was also one of the prettiest places I've ever seen in Alabama. Big walls of water worn sandstone tower above your head, and a stream runs through the whole thing. This link explains it better than I can, plus it has pictures! The trees and plants are gorgeous, and it was fun to wonder around down there looking at the cool rocks and stuff. I really like rocks! 

Maybe the only thing that wasn't so fun was one spot where you have to cross the stream. There were stepping stones placed out there, but one of them had washed away, making it very difficult to reach the next one from the bank. We stood there trying to figure out what to do for a long time, and our individual choices speak volumes about our characters, I think. Anthony decided that he was going to roll up his pants and take off his shoes and socks to wade across. Steve watched him do that, and decided that he'd do the same. Me? I was too lazy to re-lace my hiking boots, so I just walked across without taking them off! One boot filled with water and made one whole foot wet and cold, which sucked, but I made my choice! Heehee. (Don't worry, when we left to get dinner before our night hike, I stopped by Wal-Mart and got another pair of socks!)

The visit at night was amazing. I really mean that. It was such a cool experience, and not something everyone gets a chance to do. It wasn't easy walking those stairs and trails in the dark, but being able to go through those stone walls with the tiny sparks of blue light all over them was like walking though banks of stars.  I wish I could explain it better. The trail guide said that the Discovery Channel had been out to film the Dismalites (glow worm things) and it's supposed to air sometime this year, I think? I can't wait to see it! 

I will say, though, that as cool as it was to see the Dismalites, I think I liked the hike during the day better. It was so beautiful, and I'm so glad I got to go and visit! 

3) I gave blood! I was very scared to do it, but I was determined! Our company sponsored a blood drive, and I promised myself that I'd go through with it if at all possible. I knew you had to pass a preliminary screening, and because of the way I eat, I wasn't sure that I'd qualify, so I woke up at 1:30 AM and ate cheese, took my multi-vitamin, had a protein drink, and started drinking water like crazy. Then I fell asleep, and woke up two hours later and drank more water (I'm in a constant state of near dehydration, usually) and so by the time my 9:00 appointment rolled around, I was hydrated, full of iron and vitamins, and still very scared. They were so kind, though, and it put me at ease. The only iffy part was when he put the needle in my arm and had to dig around for a moment, but he found the vein! It took me 22 minutes to give a pint of blood, though, which I think is a long time. I also almost fainted a little later, but that was my fault for overexerting while getting something off of a shelf. Now some lucky soul will be walking around with my blood in their body at some point!  

That last part actually kind of weirds me out, but I'm not sorry and I hope I'll be able to do it again!

4) We went to the National Cornbread Festival in South Pittsburg, TN! Since the pandemic closed it down in 2020 and 2021, it's been impossible to get into because of how popular it is. Last year we tried to go, but we couldn't even get to the parking area where we could be bussed in, but this year we found a really, really backwoods (that is not a euphemism, we really drove down a gravel road back in the woods and almost got eaten by a giant dog) way to get into the town! It was fun!  We ate cornbread, shopped at the vendors booths, and I entered a frozen t-shirt contest! I didn't even know what it was, but I volunteered from the audience. Thankfully it didn't have anything to do with nipples like I assumed, and we literally had to unwrap a frozen t-shirt to see who could get it out of the container, unwind it, and put it on first! I didn't win, but I got a free t-shirt out of it! (Looking back, would I still have participated if nipples were involved? Maybe...)

Steve and I also we to the Cullman Strawberry Festival a week later. It was a fairly spur of the moment decision (and Anthony was working, in case you were curious) so we drove down there late in the day. We were too late for any of the events except for some concerts that we had no desire to see, but we walked around, ate some strawberry stuff, and did some shopping at the vendors and the street that was blocked off. It was very chill and we had a good time. It's been a long time since I've been to Cullman proper and it has changed so much! I don't think I'd be able to find my way around to save my life. However, I do think all the updates are great! I bet things stay open past 7:00 now, too. Ha!

BTW, the whole time I was there, the song Watermelon Crawl was running through my head, and it annoyed me because it was about the wrong fruit.

I love small town festivals like these, and I hope I find more of them to go to before the summer is over!

MY VOTE? HAUNTED.

I had a moment of sheer weirdness the other day that I need to talk about. I feel I need to over explain this so I don't sound like a complete creep, so please bear with me.

First off, I need to make it clear that I am a very private bathroom person. I don't like going in groups and I don't like people talking to me through stall doors. All I want to do is do whatever I've got to do and get out. That's just how I am. I also like to let others do whatever they've got to do without bothering them.

Secondly, our company doesn't have its own bathroom. There are public bathrooms out in the hallway that we share with the other office on our floor. As far as the ladies' room goes, it's very rare that two people are in there at the same time but, of course, it occasionally happens. 

I went in there on Monday and headed for one of the stalls and only when I got near it did I notice it was shut, so I course corrected and went into another stall on the opposite side of the room. While I was in there, I realized that other than my own breathing, the room was deathly still and quiet. Now, if you've ever been in a public restroom with another person, usually there is the sound of movement, or they clear their throat, or feet get shuffled. There are signs of life, in other words, so I wondered to myself if the door had just been closed, or if there was actually a person in there. For reasons I still do not understand, I glanced along the floor and noticed that there was indeed feet under the stall, and with my curiosity satiated, I did what I had to do and left. 

Several hours later, I went back in the bathroom and noticed the same stall door was closed. I could see the same shoes were still under that same door and they were still not moving, and the room was again deathly quiet. Now look, I get that people have issues and sometimes camping out in a bathroom stall is a necessity. I'm aware that in those moments a person is vulnerable and doesn't want to be disturbed. I'm more than willing to leave them alone. But I'm not wrong to think that's weird, am I? The same feet under the same stall hours later with no sounds or movement or even rustling of clothes?

So my mind immediately went "Yep, that lady is dead. There is a dead lady in that stall who has died and no one is going to know because no one wants to bother someone while they're using the bathroom." It CONCERNED me, but did I do anything? No, I did not. I have no idea what the etiquette is for that situation. My sense of personal propriety overcame my worry that there was a dead body in the bathroom and so I left. I'd love to say that I did the decent thing and asked if she was ok, but I didn't. I just went back to the office, sat at my desk, and hoped that someone else would go in and, if the lady was indeed dead, they would deal with it. I Twitter crowd sourced some ideas on how to unobtrusively check if the person was alive, and what I got back spanned the spectrum of turning off the light and seeing if the person objected, to blasting an air horn, but I did neither of those things.  I did tell one of my coworkers to go and look, but that was the extent of my actions.

All of this turns out to be fairly anticlimactic in the end, because when my coworker did go to the bathroom later, she said the stall was empty. However, I never saw anyone come out before then and I have a direct line of sight from my desk to the bathroom door, so either the bathroom is haunted, the person in that stall crawled through the drop ceiling to go back to their lair in the walls, or someone went in there and unobtrusively Weekend-At-Bernie'sed the dead lady out of there so that there wouldn't be a fuss. I still don't know, and it has bothered me ever since.

A QUICKY

 Ooof, I had a terrible sleep paralysis nightmare last night.

The dream itself is mostly forgotten, but I know it had to do with cats, me being mostly blind, and the bad lady from the most current season of "Picard" holding me hostage. I think she was holding me hostage because she wanted my cats? I dunno, it didn't make sense.

All I know is that in a weird, half-awake, can't move, terrified and helpless moment of my dream, Steve's sleep breathing broke through to my subconscious and made him a part of my dream and it scared me so badly that I broke my paralysis and was 100% poised to full on assault him with every ounce of strength I had in my body had I not woken up enough mid swing to realize I was not blind and not being held hostage by a cat-loving, shape-shifting, revenge seeking space creature.

Steve really is living on the edge and has no idea.

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) I got bored the other day and had my nails done. Steve was out doing networking stuff and I didn't want to sit at home alone anymore, so on a whim I went to the same salon that the owner of our company goes to and said "Give me the works!"

Well, not really the works. Just a full set of acrylic nail tips and a gel polish. Heehee.

I don't think I've had fake nails put on since my wedding, or at least close to that long, but lots of women that I work with have such pretty, manicured nails and I have the hands of an offshore oil driller. I covet how put together they always look and figured I'd play along and try to capture some of their glamour.  

I forgot how claustrophobic I get when I'm having beauty stuff done. I literally had to take one of my panic-stopping pills while I was sitting there because having someone working on me and not being able to get away freaked me out. Not that I couldn't have left if I absolutely needed to, but it would have been awkward (and very rude) to run out in the middle of a manicure. 

So I got the things and they were gorgeous, and I loved them and they were so shiny and perfect! I had them painted a color shifting blue/pink/green so that they would go with lots of stuff, and they caught the light and made my hands look so nice!  I felt this way for about 24 hours before I remembered why I don't get acrylic nails done anymore.

I couldn't do shit with my hands. I have to face the facts that I'm usually like an unevolved primate that has to use its claws to dig for grubs and roots. With the fake nails on, I couldn't properly pick things up, write, put on/take off my clothes, open packages, or even scratch an itch. I purposefully got them short and still couldn't do normal everyday things without issues. I knew I was in trouble when I tried to take out my contacts and nearly blinded myself. Also, I forgot that real nails grow out, so the fake ones start looking weird and have a scratchy ridge on the bottom that will drive me crazy. Basically, I'm a basement gremlin who doesn't know how to be a fancy lady.

I kept them on for two weeks, cutting them, shaping them, trying to make them less intrusive, all to no avail. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to take them off, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be! When I had them before, I just soaked them in fingernail polish remover and they eventually peeled off. This time, and I think due to the gel polish (really a kind of resin that hardens with UV light,) the nail polish trick wasn't working. I scraped, pulled, soaked, snipped, and tugged. I finally had to go and get some pure acetone and soak my nails in that and then chip away at them and it STILL took two days to get most of them off. It wrecked my real nails, and my cuticles look like they got in a fight with an angry ferret! Also, I still have some of the acrylic nail stuff on my real nails, which makes it impossible to cover up the damage with other nail polish without looking like putting paint over peeling wallpaper. 

So, in an attempt to be pretty and fancy and polished, my hands look worse than they did before. At least I've learned my lesson about spending my money on fake nails! I guess, if I want to look nice, I'll just to focus on something less complicated. Like showing off my cleavage. ;)

2) Logan graduated from Air Force basic training last week!  We are so proud! I know he's a grown man who is married and has a child, but he will always seem so young to me. Angie sent me pictures and I unexpectedly got all weepy. I guess because he's officially an adult now! *sniff*

3) While Angie and Shawn were in San Antonio for logan's graduation, we got to keep Logan's dog, Beau. He's 8, almost 9 years old, but I don't think he knows it. He's still as hyper and crazy as ever. He was very sad when Angie left him with me, but he and I came to an understanding. He learned I am a sucker and will play with him all of the time, and I learned that he is a dog that can con me into playing with him all of the time. Steve was home with Beau most of the time, because he mostly works remotely. Beau was quiet, sleepy, and calm while Steve was there. Once I got home, all of that went out of the window. We played ball. We played tug. We disemboweled several stuffed animals. We also slept in the recliner together at night so he wouldn't be scared, and to be frank, he was the only one who got any sleep because it's not comfortable to have a 60-pound cinderblock of a dog sticking his pointy claws into my armpit, while he rolls over and over on top of me. Also, waking up randomly in the middle of the night for belly scratches was disruptive too. Steve went out of town for the weekend, and I was there with Beau alone for three days, and those three days almost killed me. I love the dog, he is precious, and if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in the room and then myself, but damn if I wasn't a little bit glad when Angie and Shawn picked him up on Sunday afternoon. I think I slept for 18 straight hours once I was alone. I still haven't recovered.

4) You know how I mentioned above that I don't know how to be a fancy lady? Well, we are going to a fancy-pants wedding this weekend and to date I've bought 4 dresses for it and still have no idea which one is most appropriate. At some point I've just forgotten how to be a woman.

Well, I've forgotten how to be a dressy, nicely put together woman, at least. There are all kinds of ways to be a woman that I still know how to be, but none of those ways can tell me what to wear to a black-tie-optional wedding - or wear fake nails. 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) As much as I enjoy social media (well, as much as anyone can enjoy it if they manage to avoid the ugliness that it can produce) one thing really bothers me. Every once in a while, some app that I’m using will give me a notification saying that it has a new option for me to modify my circle, or however they put it. They tell you that you can create a special group of people within your followers to talk to and exclude other followers. Granted, I suppose this makes sense if you are a marketing site and have paid memberships that get special content, but I don’t understand it in the context of personal accounts. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s like inviting people to a party, but not talking to them or letting them hear any conversation. They can sit at the table, but no one will acknowledge them. It’s weird. I don’t like the fact that they are giving me the option of being a Mean Girl. 

2) I'm procrastinating SO HARD at work right now. I'm so tired and I don't want to do anything. Allergies are kicking my ass and I feel like the only thing I have any desire to do is lie down and float in the ether of pollen and malaise. 

I've got a lot of things on my to-do list, so I'm going to see how many of them I can ignore before things go 30 Seconds to Midnight.

3) Last Saturday, Steve and I went to the Mad Scientist Bash for this year with some of our other coworkers! It was fun! I'd been planning my costume for a while, but it turned out less "Mad Scientist" and leaned more towards "Super Villain." However, being fair, a lot of super villains start out as scientists that are mad, sooooo...

I found a black lab coat, wore all black clothes and boots, and had a pair of LED glasses that you could program with messages to scroll. Also, and I'm not sure how smart this was, I dyed my hair blue. Well, I tinted it blue. It's mostly noticeable in the places where my hair is already white, so it's not all that obtrusive. Also, and I didn't consider this until DAYS later, the event was in a large, dimly lit building, so no one could really see that my hair was tinted anyway. Oh well, I like it, even though I know it's going to turn green before it fades completely. Look, when I pick a theme, I COMMIT. Heehee.

The keynote speaker was obviously a very brilliant man, but he kept chasing tangents and so I didn't have any idea what he was trying to talk about. To be honest, it was probably going to go over my head anyways, but I think it could have been pretty fascinating. I may have to look into the subject on the internet and see if there is a "for Dummies" version out there. We ate, we drank, and we danced. Because I was wearing the mostly face obscuring glasses, I didn't have any self consciousness, so I was dancing like no one was watching. However, it turned out someone was watching and I got filmed by someone. I don't know who. So, if you happen to see a video clip of someone in black, with blue hair and a screen on their face that kept scrolling "Greetings Fellow Nerds" dancing like a lunatic, that was me. You don't have to admit to anyone that you know me. I'll understand.

4) Y'all, can I confess something? I feel overwhelmed lately. I don't even know what I'm overwhelmed with. Life, maybe? I don't know why, since my work load hasn't changed, and my everything else load is about the same, but damn, I feel like there is just too much. Does that make sense? I wake up ready to go back to bed, and during the day I just want to hide in a closet and wait there until it's time to go home so I can cram myself under a blanket and hide from everyone and everything. Like, I have so much I need to do at home, but by the time I get there all I can do is stare around and be overwhelmed by that, too, so I don't end up doing the stuff. Steve is hardly ever home anymore, so it's kind of up to me to make sure everything is all in order, and since it's just two of us you'd think that would be easy, but I can't get seem to make myself do any of it because it still feels like too much. In turn, not doing those things makes me feel even more overwhelmed because I know I'm just going to have to do it later. 

The occasional work event (see above) or hockey game, or things like that are a nice respite, but I sometimes almost feel like they're too much, too. 

Am I burned out? Is this what burn out feels like? I hate it.

5) I'm addicted to string cheese. Addicted to it! I have always been meh about it in the past, but a couple of weeks ago I got some for work (at the request of a coworker) and I ate a piece and now it's almost all I want to eat. I am going to get SCURVY.  I don't even know if it is the taste or the fact that it is a pleasantly tactile sort of food, but all I know is that I have to have a bag of it in arms reach at all time or I start feeling withdrawal symptoms.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) Ok, so I'm going to try and catch up on some of those things I said I was going to write about a few weeks ago. Not everything needs a paragraph, but some of them do! I'll be brief-ish.

2) The cancer scare: During my last annual mammogram, the tech noticed some weirdness in my scan. They didn't tell me this while I was there, of course, so I got a letter a few days later saying that I would need to undergo a more thorough screening at one of the women's breast cancer centers locally. Of course, they couldn't get me into see them for two weeks, but they made it clear that it could be ANY NUMBER of things, and not necessarily cancer, buuuuuuutttt....

Yikes.

So I had to wait for a couple of weeks, wondering the whole time if I was about to have the rug yanked out from under me. I tried not to worry, and thankfully I was so busy that I didn't have a lot of time to dwell, but in the wee hours I spent time dwelling. That sucked.  However, I had my appointment with the space-age boob scanner and the doctor said he didn't think it was anything to worry about! 

The only thing that still kind of worries me is that I found a lump in that same breast a couple of years ago, and the weirdness was in the same place, so I don't know if this is indicative of an actual problem, or if I just have one rowdy, unpredictable boob. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

3) The church decided to use a temp agency to fill the position of secretary, but they still haven't found anyone to hire just yet. They actually got "fired" from the first temp agency that they engaged with because they wouldn't immediately take the people who the agency sent over. 

The biggest problem is that the church has morality parameters that they feel they have to fall within to hire a secretary. See, with me, they knew what kind of person they were getting (for the most part), and I didn't do anything that was going to publicly embarrass them. The people the agency was sending had social media videos of them scantily clad, dancing like hoochies with guns, or they were living with their significant others without being married, or they are into witchcraft.  So... it's been a process. I'm still working there twice a week to get the major stuff done, but I think they may be close to finally hiring someone this time. 

4) During December, Steve, Anthony and I went to Chattanooga to have dinner on the Christmas Train! It was a lot of fun and a whole new experience for all of us. The train left from the Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum and drove through the outskirts. We had waiters in white coats serving us dinner, and it was really neat! It drove really slowly, though, and we ended up staying out much later than we had intended, but it was fun.

We went to Gatlinburg the next day, and I was dumb enough not to remember to take a coat with me on this trip, so we had to stop at Wal-Mart so I could get something to wear. I ended up with something that looked like a shiny, quilted garbage bag, but it was warm enough! We ate and walked around downtown, and we even visited the Native American museum outside of town. 

We spent the last day in downtown Chattanooga doing the tour of the distillery and buying chocolate at the Hot Chocolatier. We hung out here and there until afternoon and then came back home. It was a fun weekend. Chattanooga is not my favorite place, for reasons, but it is the place we go, so I'm glad it was fun.

EXTRA:

5) My birthday was fine, thanks for asking. I went to work instead of staying home like I normally do and everyone was very kind. Steve had to work late, and so I made myself dinner, read, watched TV, and then went to bed early. I'm 45 now. Halfway to 90. 

KANSAS

 I've driven through Kansas twice in my life. 

It was all interstate driving, and we weren't there to go anywhere in actual Kansas. We were just using it as a through way to get to someplace else, as one does. It was flat, and monotonous, and I wouldn't have even known that we were actually moving forward except for the fact that we kept passing roadkill. 

Now, with all due respect to anyone who lives in Kansas, I'm sure the entire state is not like that. There are probably vibrant, wonderful, beautiful places there that I don't know anything about because I've never explored the place, but that interstate drive is the only impression of Kansas that I have. Flat, bland, and boring.

Just like those interminable rides down Kansas interstates, that's how life has been here lately.  Flat, bland and boring! 

That reminds me of someone I knew who'd joke "What emo Myspace page did you get that from?" Pffft, as if I couldn't come up with emo stuff on my own! But honestly, I don't mean to sound emo, or even melodramatic! I swear! It's just that I went from the hectic, never-ending stream of activity in December to January/February where I'm still busy, just bored. Does that make sense? 

I work, I eat, I sleep, I go to church, and I work there (still) and then I do it all over again ad nauseam. 

I'm not complaining, exactly. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Like those Kansas drives, it isn't bad. The weather is fine-ish and everything is going straight ahead. So far nothing is dangerous, and we aren't getting attacked by bears. There's just no plans, nothing to look forward to, and the only way I know I'm still moving forward is that I keep passing road kill! But, hey...forward is forward! 

Steve's been gone for three of the 4 weeks of January. His work wives have spent more time with him than me so far this year, so it's been a bit lonely I guess. Nothing I haven't delt with before, though! 

So, all of this to say that I haven't had much to write about lately, but I'm still here. You know, in case you were wondering.

Hopefully I'll have something more fun to write about soon. Fingers crossed!

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY ASS IN CHARLESTON, PART 3/FIN

I accidentally lied to you in that last post.

Well, is it lying if it was just a mistake? Who knows?

Anyways, I did break something in that office. A box fell over and a small candy dish shattered. I cut my hand on it. I can’t imagine how I forgot about that since I bled on my jeans, but it was just part of the experience, I guess.

Anyways.

**ETA - I worked in the morning. I don't usually work on Fridays, but I got caught not working and was given things to work on. It was unanticipated. I don't even remember how long I was at the office. Maybe we left after lunch? 

Friday was “Moving Hotels Day!” We had been staying at a place near the airport, but we ended up moving downtown so that we would be closer to the place where the Christmas party was being held. The party was at The Francis Marion Hotel (a place I’ve stayed before and loved wholeheartedly) but due to the season and the rooms being booked up, the people from our company booked rooms across the park from it at the Embassy Suites, which looks like a castle. I think it used to be the Citadel Military School. It was old and pretty cool!

We left the first hotel, dropped off the rental car early, because you can walk wherever you want downtown, and got into our room. I actually took about half an hour to walk down King St. before I got ready because I was looking for a gift for someone. I was hoping to find a local business, but it was all chain stuff as far as I was able to walk and I never found what I was looking for. Oh well.

I got back to the room and got ready for our party!

I had to be there early to make sure everything was ready to go, so I left Steve in the room, grabbed my folder and supplies, and hoofed across the park to the event venue. 

I suppose I could describe the party in painful detail, but I won’t. I’ll just say it was a great party! The hotel did a wonderful job, the food was fabulous, and everyone seemed to have a really good time! I met a lot of really cool people that I’ve only ever talked to on the phone, and everyone was very impressed with the way things turned out. The VP introduced me to the entire room and complimented me on the party and on the work I did at the office and they applauded. I was touched, but I don’t think I deserved it. I was just doing my job. It made feel like I wanted to go hide in the bathroom, but I didn't. Haha!

When it was all over we got everyone out of the room and down to the bar for after party drinks, and while we were there, that was the exact moment my ass fell off. I remember it because it came out of nowhere. I was, at this point, mentally and physically depleted. I sat off to the side and watched people drinking and talking and having fun, and I’d planned to stay there until everyone was gone. Steve came and sat down next to me and we were talking, and he- comfortably blurred from the drinks he’d had at the party- said something to me that hit me the wrong way. It wasn’t his fault because it wasn’t anything bad, or mean, or even very important. At some normal time, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Maybe it would have deserved a “Dude, we should probably look into that.” or something along those lines, but it broke me. 

I overreacted. I knew I was overreacting at the time, and I tried not to, but I was so tired and worn down, and just mentally spent from the lack of sleep and normal food (by that point I was 33% trail mix) that I couldn’t do anything to stop myself. I’m very good at holding back tears, I promise. Over the past year or so, I’ve gotten even better at it. I don’t even let myself cry in private anymore, but I knew in that moment I wasn’t going to be able to stop and I had to run out of the hotel bar so no one would see. 

BTW, If you ever visit the Francis Marion and find my ass in the bar, please mail it back to me.

I walked back in the rain, trying to get a hold of myself, but I wasn’t able to do so until I got back to the room and got into bed. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself because I knew Steve didn’t deserve my reaction, so I crawled under the covers and fell asleep. Hard. I don’t even know when Steve came back (Late, is all I know, because he went out for more drinks with some party people.) He was annoyed with me, for good reason, but I apologized and he got over it. Such is life.

We had to get up early the next morning to catch our plane home, and so we did. It was fairly routine. When we got home, we slept for hours and hours! As much as I love Charleston, I was very glad to be home. Kind of an anticlimactic ending, but again, such is life.

So that was my great adventure in Charleston! I want to go back under less strenuous circumstances, and maybe when it isn’t so hot. Is it ever not hot there? 

Let’s go and eat at Chubby Fish and visit the museums, and stay in some historic place and just…not work! Wanna go? 

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY ASS IN CHARLESTON, PART 2

I woke up at 4:30. EASTERN. What fresh hell was that?

Have you ever been completely physically exhausted, but your brain wouldn't shut off? That was me on my second day in Charleston. I lay in bed, trying desperately to go back to sleep, but since I couldn't, I just got up and showered. Again. I think I forgot I showered the night before.

Let me just stop here and say that you are never quite as naked as when you are naked in the full glare of florescent lights and in front of a huge mirror. That was what the hotel bathroom was like. The tub was right across from the sink and mirror, and I looked up after moving the shower curtain aside. I looked up and saw this:

*Shudder* It was...concerning. 

 (That was not an invitation to think about me naked. Stop it.)

Anyway, after getting ready it was time to start the day. I decided that I was going to be administrating the hell out of the Charleston office, and all of that started with a trip to Wal-Mart and Sam's for supplies because they do not have an admin assistant in that branch, and stuff that we all take for granted in Huntsville simply isn't dealt with over there. I crammed the rental Malibu as full as I could with snacks and supplies and somehow managed to man handle them all into the building. That sounds easy, but it wasn't because the parking is weird and the office is on the second floor, and I didn't have a cart or anything to assist carrying all of that stuff. It was multiple trips carrying heavy, unwieldy stuff and it sucked, but I managed to get it all up and inside!

I was all alone in this strange office and you'll be happy to know that I didn't snoop or break anything. In fact, I was useful! I cleaned and straightened and replenished all kinds of things. I organized! I made lists! I...got my groove interrupted in the middle of the day to go to Chick-Fil-A to buy lunch for the people at the conference! You know, I like Chick-Fil-A as much as the next person, I guess, but there is absolutely nothing so special about them that I should have to sit in a car line for 45 feckin' minutes to buy food!! It wasn't even that they weren't fast, it's just that there were that many people in line. Unbelievable. 

Anyways, I got them all fed and watered and headed back to the office where I got back into what I was doing. The main thing I had to do that day was organize a storage room filled with all kinds of stuff and computer equipment. I set bout inventorying everything, down to the last lapel pin. I actually had to make myself stop take a lunch break, and had one of the best hamburgers of my whole life from a place called The Tattooed Moose. It was called a Brunch Burger and you should try it immediately. I also met an awesome dog and I bought a t-shirt from a local shop on my break before getting back to it. It was all very confusing and busy, but I finally got things organized. 

At some point through all of that I had to leave and pick up a box of flyers, and the print shop was out in the middle of nowhere, but I found them and hauled my carcass back to the office to keep going.

By the end of the day I was dirty, tired, and my brain was fried. I went back to the hotel (where Steve was by that point) and I changed so that I could go out to an after party thing and dinner with our coworkers. Apparently, I didn't have to go, but unless I wanted to sit alone in the hotel room and eat trail mix for dinner again, that is what I had to do. I also learned that going to these after-party things is political and everyone feels obligated to do them. Not me so much, because all I am is a glorified secretary, but everyone else did. We went to a very loud, very crowded bar and hung out being seen until finally we got away to go have dinner. The marketing director (who is younger than me and I love her to bits) wanted to go to this particular restaurant to eat something she'd seen on Instagram, and because she'd been working her ass off and was more tired than I was, I made sure we made it happen. The restaurant was called Chubby Fish, and it was sublime. I don't use that word lightly. You order everything tapas style and share with everyone at your table, and everything we ordered (that I tasted, anyway) was excellent. The wait staff brings it out, explains it all, and lets you enjoy. I want to go back!

By that point we were all punchy and tired to the point of feeling drunk, so we walked through downtown for a while and then got a ride back to the hotel and went to bed.

BTW, the Charleston staff was thrilled with everything I did. They were so kind and excited to have had help. It made all the hard work worth it!

The next day was much less extreme, but still exhausting. I was on call all day, lived almost solely on that same damn bag of trail mix because I didn’t know our hotel had a restaurant, and had to run errands and buy more supplies. I did manage to sneak a quick nap that afternoon, which was nice. I had to take a break and go to a local mall, because I realized didn’t pack enough clothes! I mean, I had clothes, but because I didn’t realize what I’d be doing on the trip I brought things like leggings and long shirts/sweaters which weren’t appropriate for what I was doing and where I was going. It had been so hot that I needed short sleeved shirts, too. I didn’t expect Charleston to be hot in December!

That night we did a bit more socializing, and then afterwards three of us went out to a quiet dinner to get away from the noise. Again, we were so punchy and exhausted that when our Uber picked us up, we started laughing and couldn’t stop. I’m sure our driver thought we were all high, but really, we were just so tired that we lost all sense of composure. 

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY ASS IN CHARLESTON, PART 1

Oof. 

Earlier in the year I volunteered to go to Charleston, SC to help out with a conference. Rookie mistake.

I like the city of Charleston a lot, and to have an excuse to go was exciting! I work closely with my company’s marketing department, and I knew that this conference was going to be a big deal and that the marketing director could probably use my help. Plus, Steve would be going, and he’d be attending the Christmas party we were having for the Charleston branch of our company, and since I’d been planning that party, I figured that it would be nice if I could attend, too. I figured I’d go to this awesome city on the company dime, do a bit of work, schlub around the place like a tourist the rest of the time, and then go to a party. It sounded like the perfect plan!

Things didn’t go like that. They didn’t go like that at all!

My first indication that this trip wouldn't be what I expected came via email from the Sr. VP of our company giving me a list of all the things I needed to do for our remote office in Charleston. So, I wouldn't be attending the conference like I thought, but I'd be running support for the people wo were there, as well as doing office admin work for the office in that town. Unexpected, but fine with me! I just had to trim my sails a bit.

I left on a Tuesday (Steve had a concert that night and couldn’t leave until the next day) so I was on my own. I caught an early morning flight from Huntsville, made it to Atlanta (I still hate the Atlanta airport, but my connection was fairly simple) and the only snag up to that point was that I had to ask a person to get out of my seat (the seat I chose and therefor one I wanted) on the second leg. For someone who has only flown alone once before - with disastrous results - I managed to do pretty good this time. I even remembered to buy snacks from the airport to have for emergencies later on!

Snag number two happened when got to The Charleston airport. When I went to pick up my rental car, I discovered that I hadn’t rented my car from the airport Enterprise like I thought, but one that was downtown. Damnit, damnit, damnit. However, not to be discouraged, and I wa determined not to be discouraged, I caught an Uber to the rental place and then drove back across the city to the hotel. Thank God for GPS.

I was exhausted by this point, but I hadn’t even gotten started on my day. The marketing director called me before I had even picked up my car to tell me I needed to be at the office to get ready for the first event, an after party for the first day of the conference, like…immediately. I told her I had to check in to the hotel, change out of my leggings and into grown up people clothes and I’d get there as fast as I could. I practically had to pull off my clothes in the elevator up to my room, dress again as fast as possible once I got inside and run out of the room and drive across town (again) so I could get there. It was across the street from the event venue, so that was convenient, at least! I was given a key, shown around a bit, and then sent across the street to the restaurant where the party was being held to act as a greeter and drink ticket passer-outer.

It wasn't a hard job, obviously, but it was a bit confusing. I'd been stationed at the hostess stand of a restaurant - a restaurant that wasn't closed to the public - and so I was not only greeting people who came to our party, but I ended up handing out menus to regular customers and directing them to tables. I wasn't asked to do this by the venue, and to be fair, I might have been doing it all wrong, but no one came out to stop me! Should I ask for a W2?

The event was eventful! I was charming, and I smiled and passed out tickets and got harassed by a creepy old dude, and had a young dude run his hand down my back down to my hip without an invitation to do so. A man went into cardiac arrest at the bar and the bartender had to do CPR to bring him back and emergency services were called (our party never even paused at this, believe it or not) but it was a bar patron and not one of our guests, so I guess that we weren't supposed to be worried! I don't even know how long I was there, I just know it was a long, loud night and someone almost died! 

Thankfully I was able to get back to the hotel before an obscenely late hour, eat some airport trail mix, and take a shower. It was weird sleeping alone in a hotel, but I didn't have much time to contemplate that because I was asleep before I could think of much of anything.

#6

Everything feels like it's happening all at once and I don't like it!

Do you remember (if you're a returning reader, that is) how I said I wasn't feeling the holidays? 

I wasn't. I never did.

But, y'all, I tried. I tried to get into the spirit! I bought 4 little plastic trees, Christmas cards, and planned a work party where we all wore pajamas and watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. We went on a Christmas Train trip and sang Christmas songs and all of that stuff. I tried.

It never worked!

I never got into the spirit because I felt like I didn't have time to enjoy anything. It literally felt like Thanksgiving happened and then December came and collapsed in on itself like a wet napkin and everything happened all at once, and I never got a second to think about or pay attention to anything. There were two days (literally two days) where I had a little bit of time after work, and I was so paralyzed by the amount of stuff that had to be done that I couldn't force myself to actually do any of it! 

Has that ever happened to you? You just look out and see all of the things that have to be done, and your brain gets completely overwhelmed and says "Nope!" and you just sit there and stare into space and feel like a failure because a million pounds of obligation "bricks" are sitting on your chest and it's pinning you down and you can't move or breathe, but you're kind of OK with it because you know if you tried to actually accomplish any of those things you have to do you'd just end up crying and hiding under a bed?

Just me? 

I sat and looked at the Christmas cards, but never even took them out of the plastic. Thankfully when I ordered them, I didn't put the year on them, so I can use them next year.  We received Christmas cards from other people, but I didn't get to open them until the 23rd. I managed to make myself do almost everything that needed to be done in the two days leading up to Christmas because I didn't have a choice. Cleaning, baking, wrapping gifts...I also hung up one garland. We had Mr. Lee over for dinner on Christmas Eve and we spent Christmas Day afternoon with my family and even though I love all of them and was glad to spend time with them, all I could think of the whole time is how I wish it could be over/I could go home and go to bed. I still feel that way. Zero joy. Only tired. No bah humbugs or anything like that, just no time to think or breathe or enjoy anything. It was like someone loaded a slingshot with December and fired it at my face where it hit me all at once.

Thank God I didn't have to travel to visit anyone, because if I'd had one more thing to do I might have thrown myself off of a cliff.

So I hope your Holidays were better than that. I hope you had fun and enjoyed your family and friends and food and all of those things and got to take a minute to look around and enjoy the moment. 

I've got my fingers crossed for next year!

THINGS I MIGHT WRITE ABOUT SOON

Y'all...I'm busy. This is kind of a Random Acts of Blogging and also kind of a list that is just as much for me to remember things as it is for anyone out there who might still read this old, creaky-assed blog of mine.  A "Possible Coming Attractions" sort of thing, if you will.

Some of these things will be elaborated on in future. Some won't need elaborating on.

1) Went to Charleston for work. Left my ass there because they worked it off.

2) Went to Chattanooga for fun. It was had. A train was involved.

3) Christmas - Not fully prepared for. Thankfully will not be traveling during.

4) Missed a birthday. Couldn't be helped. Thought about it that day, though. Hope it was a good one.

5) Had a cancer scare. Thankfully, that's all it was. Kind of tough couple of weeks before I got the results.

6) Everything feels like it's happening all at once right now and I don't like it!

7) Church is going through a temp agency to replace me as secretary. Finally.

OK, so that's it for now. 

Happy holidays. Hug your family for me! (They might not know me, or know why I'm sending hugs, but hug them anyway!)

A WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS, AND EVERYTHING ELSE

It was a year ago, on December 8th, that I had my weight loss surgery! 

To date, I have lost 86 pounds, which is the equivalent of a whole ass middle school kid.

All along, I planned on doing a thoughtful, formal, yearly wrap up with insightful thoughts about the surgery itself; about how my body has changed, and the good and the bad of having a surgery like the one I had.

I'm not gonna do that after all. Well, not in the way that I had originally planned, at least. Instead, I'm going to talk about the things I've learned in this past year as I've gone through the changes that I have, because a lot of things that I've experienced weren't what I was expecting.  

First off - eating sucks. Look, my body may have changed, but my brain has not. I'm sure I've mentioned that before, and I'm certain that it can't be that much of a surprise, but reducing the size of my stomach did not, in fact, reduce my want for food. Not on an emotional level at least. If I had ever doubted that my eating habits were tied to how I was feeling, then having this surgery removed all of those doubts. There have been days when I've been very unhappy, and my first thought is to shove food in my mouth until I feel better. The trouble is, I don't have a lot of room for that food anymore, and the amount of food I can physically stand does not soothe whatever mental thing that eating did before. Plus, if I eat the wrong things (some of which I can eat more of than others) it just makes me feel sick and sometimes puts me in physical pain. I've got a long way to go before I can recognize being full and also not emotional eating. Also, don't even talk to me about if something tastes good. I want to eat more of that thing, just like everyone else, and I can't. It's frustrating in the worst kind of way. If I can't get this under control, I'm going to gain a considerable amount of weight back, which I never, ever, ever want to do. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Secondly - Shopping is awesome now! Do you know what it's like to have maybe one store within driving distance that carries your size? It sucks. Especially when the things in that store are not necessarily your style? All grandma clothes with big sequined birds all over them, cheap fabrics and awkward lengths? That's what it was like before. Apparently, when you weight 230 pounds, you're also supposed to be 70 years old, not care what you look like, and be 6' 6" tall. One of the nicest parts about losing weight has been that if I need clothes, I don't have to go online, or pay extra for extended sizes, or cross my fingers that when I order the size I need, it won't be in Vietnamese infant measurements. I can literally go into a regular store and buy something. I haven't been able to do that in years. Unfortunately, due to my new enthusiasm for clothes shopping, I have purchased some questionable choices that probably don't fit my age or my personality, but I like to have them around, just in case.

Thirdly - Men treat me differently now than they did a year ago. In some ways that's ok, in some ways it's very much not ok, and in all ways it kind of pisses me off. I'm well aware that a lot of dudes look at a fat girl and see them as a joke or maybe don't really see them at all. I'm not here to judge anyone's personal physical preferences. Truly. BUT. BUT. Because I have changed so rapidly, the changes in people's behavior are really obvious to me. It didn't change gradually, so it isn't like any of this feels normal at all. Now I get some unwanted, creepy attention from people who would have used me as a joke before. Not always, and not from every guy, but stray randoms feel like they can send me DMs and make weird comments, or say borderline inappropriate things, or - God help me - just touch me for no reason. I was chatting with a man I didn't know at a work-related thing recently - and he was being perfectly normal - and then he ran his hand down my back to my hip. I genuinely don't know if he meant to be creepy, but I certainly don't think I did anything to signal "please, stranger, rub me!" I had to have a co-worker run interference between me and a much older man who wouldn't leave me alone at the same event. These men don't work with me, so I couldn't report them, but damn. No matter what size I have been, I know that I've always been the same person. I'm cute, charming, and probably more inappropriate than I need to be at times, so in all, I'm a freaking delight. All of that and I was invisible before, but the fact that just having a smaller body suddenly gets me attention? That's bull. I mean, I know those guys who suddenly "see me" aren't looking for a charming conversation companion, but still...it's bull. 

Fourthly - The touching. Good lord, the touching. It isn't just men who do it. I've had all kinds of people literally say "OMG, you look so good!" and run their hands all over me, like they are trying to find out if I've just folded the fat away in secret compartments and they want to find the release switch. I know they don't mean to make things weird, but who does that? If I came up to you and just rubbed your sides like I thought a genie would pop out of your butt, you'd think it was weird too, right? I believe it must be the same thing that pregnant women go through when people rub their bellies. Maybe people can't help themselves? I don't mind hugs and things like that (usually...see above paragraph) but I didn't know people were going to pat me down like rogue TSA agents for no reason.

Fifthly - that word looks weird, but fifthly - for the most part my health is a lot better, number wise. I'm still very tired and weak a lot of times, and in dire need of finding a type of exercise that I can do on a regular basis to build up strength, but all of the numbers that were edging on the border of being dangerous, are now normal. That is a huge relief. It's one of the main reasons I had this surgery. I knew I was killing myself slowly and I couldn't make myself stop. I couldn't overcome whatever mental issues caused the overeating and emotional eating on willpower alone, so taking this extreme measure has actually done good things. 

I could probably go on and on, but this is enough for now. Things have changed so much in such a short time that I'm still adjusting to everything, but I'm very glad I took the step I did. The fact that I can undo all of the good if I'm not careful hangs over my head every day, but I'm trying very hard to change my attitudes and ways so that I don't end up in the same boat as I was before. Is it easy? No, not really. It's a struggle every day, not just to keep myself fed and heathy, but to not put myself into a position where I sabotage myself. I'm naturally a self-saboteur, I think. But for now, and I hope for the future and beyond, I'm making progress in a positive way and I hope I can keep on doing that.

A QUICKIE

 Ok, you know how I said I couldn't drink for a year, and I was considering maybe not taking it back up again? Probably for the best. 

I cheated and had cocktails at home 5 days before my surgeriversary to test the waters and see what my tolerance is now. Anthony came over to watch some holiday movies and we made Soiled Kimonos (Champagne and Plum Wine - garnished with cherries or pickled umeboshi and an origami crane) which was a drink on one of the movies we watched - A Very Murray Christmas.

I had three. I was already buzzed after three sips of the first one, but I kept going to see if it would get worse.

It did. Drinking is evil and I don't want to do it anymore.

Thankfully, I didn't get sick, naked, or wind up in a tree. I also didn't text anyone I shouldn't have, although I remember considering it and knowing - even drunk - what a bad idea that was. However, I 100% lost my filter and said all the things that were in my head. Probably stuff that shouldn't have been said aloud. 

So, the low tolerance I once had is now nonexistent. 

If I drink again, and I don't know if I will, it will have to be in a controlled environment with bumper pads on all of the doorways and no access to my cellphone, and possibly with a handler to help me get to bed.

Now I know!

THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE

 Ugh, I had to do a very hard thing the other day.

A few years ago, I bought myself, and my late friend, Sara, a couple of friendship lamps for Christmas.

What is a friendship lamp, you ask? (Well, maybe you didn't, but I'm going to pretend you did in case someone new has shown up.) Friendship lamps are a set of two little LED lamps that you hook to the internet. You each get a code and go to the website and register the lamps together so that they get linked, and when you turn them on, when you touch your lamp, the lamp at your friend's house changes color, or blinks, or whatever they are designed to do. Basically, it's a nice, subtle way to let someone know you're thinking about them. I mean, yeah, you could text or call or write a letter, but this way you can just say "Hey, I'm thinking about you right this second!" and it's a nice, quick, warm fuzzy you can send without making a big production out of it.  Shut up, it's nice.

I got one for Sara because I missed her and because I knew she was very unhappy living so far away from her friends and family. Her marriage wasn't going well (I can say that now, considering...) and she was lonely. When I found those lamps, I got them immediately so that she would always have a link to someone back home. I can only imagine what it's like living far away from all the people and things you love, and I wanted to give her a link back so she would know she wasn't forgotten about. 

I think she liked having it as much as I did. It was cool to be sitting next to it and it suddenly turn blue because she had tapped it at her house. Then I'd tap it and it would turn red at her house.  I dunno, it's hard to explain, but it was comforting.

And then she died.

The lamp stayed where it was for months and months because it felt weird to move it. I have a hard time letting things go, we all know that, but getting rid of that lamp felt almost sacrilegious. How can you just get rid of a link to your best friend?

So, every time I'd sit in my living room and it got quiet, I'd inevitably end up staring at that lamp and it would hurt my heart. Losing a friend and knowing there is no hope of ever seeing or hearing from them again is agony. Looking at the lamp just reminded me over and over that it would never light up again. I knew I couldn't keep torturing myself like that, because that is what it was: torture. A mild form, to be sure, but torture all the same.

So I finally moved the lamp. Then it sat in the new place for months and months and I could still see it and it still felt bad. So finally, I had to make myself get rid of it last Friday. I didn't really want to, but I didn't think it was a healthy thing to have something staring me in the face that made me feel like that. You shouldn't keep shrines of the dead, because that way lies madness.

I felt like I should have some kind of ceremony or do something specific, but that felt weird. So I simply had to throw it away. That felt very wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. I suppose I could have bought a second lamp and sent it to someone else, but there is no one else that wants to be reminded that I'm thinking of them. Not anymore.

So I threw my best friend lamp into the garbage and I still want to cry, but I won't/can't because there is nothing that will change the fact that she's dead and I'll never see her again, and she'll never touch that lamp again. It would just be a dark reminder that my best friend is gone. 

I know that in time it won't be so bad. Such is life. I'm sure this was an important step in closure, and closure is important. 

Anyway...it was a hard thing. 

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) The other day I was watching Doctor Who (the regeneration episode of Jodie Whittaker's character) and there was this scene right in the middle that made zero sense, but it was so weird that it might be one of my favorite scenes of that show of all time. The bad guy (The Master - shut up, he's canonical) had time traveled to 1916-ish and set himself up as Rasputin (possibly actually being Rasputin, and not just pretending to be him...again, time travel) so that he could trap the Doctor in the ballroom of the Winter Palace and do some nefarious stuff. Believe it or not, it wasn't the nefarious stuff that didn't make sense.

So there they were, the Doctor stuck in a trap, surrounded by evil space robots, and The Master is walking around as Rasputin being menacing and unhinged. Then he does this:

It makes NO sense. It didn't do anything for the plot! I think it was literally only a scene created so that a guy dressed as Rasputin could dance in the Winter Palace to the Boney M song "Rasputin" and I wholeheartedly loved it.

I also now love the song. It's been stuck in my head almost daily for a month or so. I bought it on Apple Music and listen to it all the time. It takes three and a half "Rasputins" for me to get to work in the mornings. It's a fun song, but then again, I have a very soft spot in my soul for disco music, so maybe it's just me. It's a lot of fun, and you should listen to it, too!  (You can just listen to the song, though, and not have to watch the Doctor Who scene. I know you don't care for the show.)

2) Did you know that Steve planned a long, fun, not-work-related vacation in Florida for the week of our anniversary?  It wasn't with me, but at least one of us got to spend some time down there. 

I don't know why it bothers me, since our anniversary is never that big of a deal, but it's the principle of the thing.  At least he'll be back by the 11th unless he gets trapped there by the hurricane. Sorry, I'm a little bitter. It'll pass.

3) For Halloween, one of my coworkers brought in one of those plastic, almost human sized skeletons. I've named it Skelly Pratt and it's been in the office as a decoration since then. Every evening before I leave work, I move him to a new location and pose him doing some kind of boring office thing. It has become one of the things I look forward to every day, because being an adult is stupid and we have to find joy where we can.

I put the turkey hat on him today. I plan on decorating him for every holiday in the hopes that they will let it stay here with me all year. Today he's at the coffee machine.

Seriously, what is my life?

4) Is anyone else just not feeling the holidays this year? not to sound gloomy and I'm not quite to Bah Humbug status or anything like that, but it just feels like all of the stuff that is usually fun is just something I need to get over and done with so I can breathe again. Maybe I'll feel differently in the moment. I hope so! I'll be traveling out of state for work for a chunk of December, which is going to be a pain, but maybe I'll be allowed a little fun while I'm out there. I dunno. I'll keep my fingers crossed!

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) I got to wear three costumes for Halloween this year! Well, not all on Halloween, and not all at the same time, but over the week I got three different chances to wear costumes!  I haven't had that many costume changes since the boudoir photoshoot I did with that nice stranger on the internet!  

He still hasn't paid me for that, by the way. Huh. Anyway...

I FINALLY got to wear my Star Trek TOS uniform. I bought it years ago, and wherever I got it from (probably China) sent me a severely wrong size. Like, such a wrong size that I tried to put it on when I first got it and had a panic attack because I got trapped with it over my head and couldn't get it off. At any rate, while it's technically still very snug, it fit well enough for me to wear it to our office Halloween party! Everyone liked it! I did feel a bit exposed while wearing it, because the skirt was so short, but I wore dark stockings and didn't bend over in front of anyone. I don't see how any woman on the Enterprise could do their job in such scanty uniforms, but what do I know about working on a constitution class star ship? Maybe they didn't have to bend over very much.

I had to scrape together another costume for something called a "Dead Wine" party that the mother of a friend put on. We decided to go at the last minute, and since my Star Trek costume was damp from the washer (and washing it snagged a seam and took the gold off of my insignia) I put together a kind of Dia de las Muertas thing. I didn't want to be culturally insensitive, so I didn't do the calaveras face paint, but I did wear the flower crown. The shirt for my costume was too short and showed my torso, so I think I had my arms wrapped around myself the whole time to keep that hidden. 

A Dead Wine party is a neat concept. People bring their old and unloved bottles of wine that they don't want anymore, and the people at the party taste them to see if they like them. It's apparently a way to try new stuff and get rid of old stuff. I drank water, but it was fun to watch people who know wines trying everything, getting drunk, and talking about how gross some of it was. Steve and I had exactly one bottle of wine in our house, so it was sacrificed on the Dead wine altar. Apparently it was "Good, but sweet." Whatever that means. It was from Publix, so your mileage may vary. It was also from 2015, so technically it was old.

On actual Halloween I wore a Chewbacca dress. It was made to be subtle, so it wasn't like I was covered in fur and carrying a crossbow. IN fact, I think it might have been totally wasted because I had to wear a coat all day and I didn't go anywhere that night. but still....COSTUME!

2) Do you want to know what is humiliating? Finding out you've been muted on someone’s social media. They say you can’t know who mutes you, but there are ways to find out. Granted, it's not the slap-in-the-face kind of humiliating, but it's a creeping, heat crawling up the back of your neck kind of humiliating. I suppose this explains why I’ve been getting no responses from them.

Did I deserve it? I don't think so. I usually try to stay pretty neutral about things online, so the why part of it is unclear to me. It's also just embarrassing, especially when you don’t think there is a problem. I know the whole "mute" function is supposed to be a "nice" way to unfollow someone, but it isn't nice. If you're going to say "fuck you" to someone, say it loud enough for them to hear it. Geez. 

3) Things at work are still going well, but I am still 100% exhausted every day. I never knew there were so many things in the world to keep up with at the same time! 

Right now we are planning holiday parties in several different states, and it's...something.  There are so many little fiddly details and decisions to make, and when you have to keep up with things in 7 states, something is bound to fall through the cracks. I'm terrified we are going to forget something important, like paying for food or inviting people. There is a chance that some of us will have to travel to these different states to attend the parties and make sure that everything is going the way it's supposed to, but that decision seems to keep getting pushed off. I hope they don't put it off too long, because we have to actually have plane tickets and hotels and things. I dunno, it's kind of a mess, but we are hanging in there! I will be glad when this part is done with, though, because we've been running in high gear for weeks and my brain is fried. I wake up in the middle of the night worried about party details and whether or not we remembered to picke wines. I'm not sure I'm built for this kind of thing.

I'm also still working for the church, and unfortunately our congregation is dwindling, so there aren't as many people to do things as there used to be. I need a real vacation, but that isn’t going to happen. I’m so tired.

4) I keep buying converse shoes. I can’t stop! It started with a red pair, and then I got a black pair, and I keep finding colors that I want and it’s getting out of hand! I have a custom pair and I even bought a pink pair, and I don’t have anything pink to wear them with! They’re pretty much the only shoes I wear now, and I wear them with everything. I’m afraid wearing Converse has now become my personality. I may need an intervention.

5) Oh, speaking of social media, I joined Mastodon. I haven’t started using it yet. Mostly I did it to get my actual name as my user name. I only know one person on it so far, but no one who would bother to follow me back. I’ll need to find people eventually. I guess if Twitter goes kablooey, at least I’ll have a place for my nonsensical musings! I hope Twitter doesn’t get stupid, though. I like my little group of Twitter people. They are comforting! I’d hate to think the owner could screw it up so badly that he’d cause people to leave, but I think it could happen. Sigh. Stupid owner. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Everything ends.

6) I had a bunch of things to talk about, but now that I’m here, I can’t remember what it was! So I’m going to stop here and hopefully remember what I was going to say! 

I hug you!

PARDON ME, BOY...

This is long. Go get a drink and get comfortable. 

Steve, Anthony, and I went to Chattanooga a few weeks ago for a fun trip! Our main reason for going was to go on a long train ride on a museum train, but we decided to make an entire weekend out of it. 

We drove up on a Friday (Steve, who apparently can't take a day off, had meetings most of the way up there, so Anthony and I got to sit in on some of the most boring and confusing phone conferences I've ever encountered.) and got there in the middle of the day. We were staying at a place called "Hotel Bo" which looked to be another kind of hotel at some point that had been converted by Days Inn or Wyndam. It was cute and clean, but it was in a weird section of town. There was an all night diner and lots of people just hanging around the place being very loud. Eh, well, we were only going to be sleeping there, so whatever.

We spent the rest of that day doing touristy things. We walked around the city for the most part, but we decided along the way to take an impromptu duck boat ride. That was a lot of fun! I like being on boats that are slow and lazy, and the guide was telling us history about the city. (We found out later that his version of events wasn't exactly accurate.) The captain let all the little kids drive the boat, and then asked if anyone else wanted to. Of course, I said yes. I probably wasn't as cute as the kids driving the boat, since I could keep it going straight, but I enjoyed that! There are no pictures, though. we got our wires crossed about who's phone would be used, so you'll just have to trust me that it happened!  

I ended up having to buy a big sweatshirt to wear over my leggings in the boat gift shop because the wind was blowing so hard that day and it was making the dress I was wearing tangle around my ankles and it was annoying as frak. Believe it or not, I only packed exactly what I needed for this trip so I could take the  tiny pilot's bag, so I didn't have anything else to change into. It's ok, though, because I really like the sweatshirt! 

As an aside: It's becoming a habit that I have to keep buying sweatshirts when I go places because I'm freezing or not dressed appropriately. I don't do it on purpose, I swear! I don't need this many sweat shirts in my life, but here we are! We had to go back to the hotel so I could change, but that was fine. We were also resting up before going on a ghost tour that night.

The ghost tour was very interesting! You already know how much I love going on them. We had a great tour guide, and we walked all around the downtown area and got some good history, as well as the spooky stuff. We were also filmed for a Chattanooga tourist thing, so if you get bored, go to the tourism board web site and see if anyone looks familiar. As usual, I didn't see any ghosts. I don't think it's fair that I'm the only one of the three of us that actually believes in ghosts, but I'm the only one who never encounters anything! I need to write a strongly worded letter to someone. 

Saturday we had to get up before the sun so that we could drive from downtown Chattanooga to Delano, Tennessee to catch a sight seeing train! The Tennessee Valley Railroad has a museum train, that is to say, the train cars themselves are historic (from different places) and they offer something called the Copperhill Special, which is a long train ride with a 90 minute layover in Copperhill, TN! Steve and I found this particular activity online while looking for something to do, and since we all were already signed up with them for a Christmastime dinner train ride in December, we thought we'd try out the long ride as well. 

We splurged and got in one of the "first class" observation cars, which is a section on top of a regular car with windows along the walls and ceiling. We would be able to see all the way around us as we made the 3 ish hour drive to Copperhill and back. I'm really very glad we had Anthony with us, not just because he is our very good friend and a complete delight to have around, but also because the train seats were grouped into pairs facing each other and he sat across from Steve and I. If you didn't know the people who sat in front of you, you had to make awkward small talk and pretend like you enjoyed the fact that they were staring directly into your face for the whole ride.

The scenery was absolutely gorgeous! The fall colors had really advanced there, and we also spent a great deal of the trip driving along the Hiawassee River. A tiny bit of info according to the website:

"The railroad over which Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum trains travel on its Hiwassee River Rail Adventures was formerly part of the Louisville and Nashville (L&N) Railroad’s Atlanta Division stretching between Etowah, Tennessee and Marietta, Georgia." 

I kept dozing off on the first leg of the trip because it was so cold in the car, but other than that we had a great time. The only detail that marred our very fun trip were the people sitting across the aisle from us. I would think my annoyance was just latent misanthropy rearing it's ugly head, but both Steve and Anthony were also annoyed by them, so I know I'm not just being a bitch here. I don't remember their names, but they were two older teenagers, 18 or 19 years old, I think, and they were ENGAGED. We know they were engaged because they kept telling the people across from them they were ENGAGED. They'd never dated anyone else, EVER, and so they couldn't sympathize with people who feel heartbreak due to failed relationships because they'd never had one! That was said out loud. Dear God, they were insufferable. They bragged about how they were only teenagers, but they liked doing stuff like train rides, instead of things kids their own age liked.

Another aside: I can't be the only person who cannot stand people who feel like they are somehow remarkable because they don't like something other people like, right?  Some people don't like coffee while lots of other people do. Some people don't like country music, or lipstick, or biscuits, but not liking a thing doesn't make you special. It just means you don't like something. Geez.

Anyway, I mean, it's fine for them to like to ride trains instead of party or whatever teenagers do, but it doesn't make them somehow special. I wish I could have told them that. Oy. I also wish they could have talked a bit softer so that they didn't overshadow an otherwise pleasant trip. I mean, they were having a good time, so maybe I shouldn't be so judgmental. They were teenagers (ENGAGED teenagers) after all and their frontal lobes still haven't fully developed, so maybe they don't know how to behave in public yet. They were both very taken with how awesome they believed they were and talked about it at length. I dunno, man. Anyway, the scenery was nice. 

We stopped in Copperhill, TN, which is *surprise* a defunct, old copper mill town that now exists, at least partially, for tourists to visit on the two trains that travel there. It was cute and had the requisite shops and restaurants. We ate some top notch Cuban food at a place called The Rum Cake Lady Cuban Cafe for lunch, and spent the rest of the time wandering the shops. It was fun! I got to pet a dog that I suspect may have been a polar bear in disguise (it was a huge, white dog) and we looked into all the local color we could with he time we had. Believe it or not, I didn't buy anything. I kept thinking I would and then not. Maybe it was because of the earlier investment in the sweatshirt keeping me thrifty. Heehee. Pretty soon, though, it was time to get back on the train for the return trip. 

Ok, so...when you buy your tickets, you don't get an assigned seat. You just pick a seat in whatever car you were booked on. Some people were on the river side of train on the drive out, and some were on the mountain side of the train. Some people ended up facing the front of the train on the way up, and some people were facing the back of the train, so the ride was technically backwards to them. What the conductors asked people to do on the way back, was swap to the seats on the other side of the train on the way back, so that everyone got a chance to see the scenery on each side of the train and also face the "Front" of the train. (They moved the engine from one end to the other because there wasn't a round about to turn around in.) So when we got back on the train, we took the seats that our annoying fellow passengers had been in on the way out. All of this was fine. We were where we were supposed to be. In a perfect world, everyone would have just swapped sides of the train from where they sat on the way up, but the world isn't perfect. Please bear with me as I try to explain this next bit.

I paid attention to where the people I could see were sitting on the way out (in case I had to draw a diagram for a police artist due to crimes) so I knew that some people didn't completely swap sides. One family, who didn't get to ride together on the way up because they had been late, decided to all sit together on the way back, taking up two facing seats. This kept another couple from switching to the side they were supposed to be on, so that couple took the seats across the aisle from us. Technically, they were on the correct side of the train, but in the "wrong" seats. So, guess who came back to the train car and got upset about it?  You guessed it! It was our annoying friends from earlier! Well, actually, it was just the girl who got so upset and she made kind of a scene. Oh, there was no screaming or crying, but there was some loud "WELL, I just don't UNDERSTAND how this could happen! I mean, we were supposed to make an exact FLIP to the other side of the train! The nice ladies who sat in front of us on the way out don't get to face the front of the train now and that's not right! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND how this could happen." She would not. Shut. Up. She was even embarrassing her fiancé, who tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn't be stopped. It was so fucking embarrassing and awkward, and she was looking around like her mini-tantrum was going to get us all to rise up and throw that family out of the seats they took. We didn't, of course. She even went as far as to turn around to that family and make pointed remarks about how they weren't where they were supposed to be. The mother of the family snapped at the girl and flat out lied and said she was sitting where she was supposed to (she wasn't) and even that didn't shut the girl up right away. She also made a huge, embarrassing production of going to the two women who had been displaced and loudly offering to give them their own seats - an offer that was refused. It was so cringy and stupid and awkward. I think the girl finally realized she was being an ass, because she finally sat down and shut up about it. Thank God. 

At least the scenery was nice!

We got back late in the afternoon and then drove back to Chattanooga for dinner. You know what's hard to do? Find a place to eat dinner, when you don't want to wait a long time for a table, in Chattanooga on a Saturday night. It also helps when you aren't with picky people. Haha! I've completely given up on picking restaurants because I can't eat very much and it seems dumb for me to choose where everyone else can eat if I'm not going to really be able to enjoy any of it. We went from place to place until we finally decided that we could wait a bit longer than we really wanted to to get seated at a Pucketts Grocery restaurant. It took a while, and just before we got seated, a live band started.

Y'all...I have a confession to make. I know this will horrify some of you. I do not enjoy live music. Ok, well, sometimes I do. Like, if there is a party where there is dancing, I like it fine. If someone is playing off in the distance of a festival, I'm ok with it. However, if I'm in a restaurant with friends and I'd like to talk and visit with them, I loathe live music. I hate it so...much. It's...flames, on the side of my face... That kind of loathing. It's not even that the music was bad. It wasn't at all! The lady had a great voice and the band was good, but we were in a small space and they were really damn loud. We couldn't talk to each other without yelling, and it was too much sensory input in such a relatively small space. Also, I felt obligated to pretend I was enjoying it because the hostess sat us very close to the stage and the singer could see us. So I couldn't enjoy the company I was with or my food because a sledgehammer of sound was hitting me in the head the entire time I was at the restaurant. The only bright spot was that I was facing the bar where they had a TV on the Roku Bob Ross Channel, so I got to watch him paint three different paintings. So, that's my silver lining.

I don't meant to complain like my whole day was bad or anything, because it wasn't at all, but those are things that still stick out to me about it. 

Sunday we slept in a while, checked out of the hotel, and went to the artsy section of town. At least I think that's what it's referred to. There is a hill where some shops, restaurants, and the Hunter Museum of Art is located. We wanted to eat at a particular Italian restaurant for lunch, so we sat at a nearby cafe to wait for it to open. This is where Anthony looked me in the eyes and told me he had lied to me the day before. I don't know about you, but that is a disconcerting thing to hear someone say. 

On our way out of the hotel the day before, I had noticed that there was a police car literally right outside the hotel lobby. I thought that was weird, but the place had a lot of loud noises and loud cars during the night, so I thought it was security of some sort. I'd asked Anthony if that was the case, and he said he didn't know and we dropped it. However, Anthony, the liar-face, actually did know why the cop had been there. A woman on the floor right above us had been robbed at gunpoint right outside her room. He said that he had woken up that morning and gone to the lobby to buy a bottle of water, and cops had been swarming the hotel and the victim was in the lobby giving a statement. Steve and I had been getting ready to go and had the curtains drawn and the TV on, so we didn't see/hear all of that, and by the time we went downstairs almost all of the police had gone. Anthony had told Steve about it, but didn't want me to be scared to stay at the hotel, so they decided not to tell me until after we checked out. I thought that was nice! I also know it was smart, because yes, I would have wanted to leave, but at least he finally told me the truth! Heehee. Can I ever trust him again?! 

Lunch at Tony's (clever name for an Italian restaurant, no?) was awesome, and afterwards we went to the Hunter Museum of American Art. I loved it! I don't think I've ever gone to a museum of nothing but American art, but it was fantastic! One painting in particular caught my eye:

I don't know who painted it, or what it is called, but I once kissed a boy and that kiss made me feel exactly like this painting looks. Maybe the kiss colors were different, but when I saw this painting, it threw me for a loop because I was immediately reminded of that kiss. And if you think spending time imagining kisses from my past is wrong now that I'm an old, married lady, I'll just have to ask for your forgiveness. I have had relatively few kisses in my life, and only a couple of them were museum worthy. This was one of them. Sigh. Wonder what that guy is up to these days...

We didn't want to stay in town too late, so went on to our next stop which was at the Chattanooga Whisky distillery, where Steve and Anthony wanted to do a tasting. Since I can't indulge, I went to the Hot Chocolatier that is next door. It's really not good for me to eat really sugary things like chocolates anymore because they make me nauseous if I have too much, but I don't care. I bought a huge box of assorted chocolates to stretch out over time. SUCK IT, BLOOD SUGAR! 

After they were done, we walked over to The Frothy Monkey (I have a love/hate relationship with that name) and had brunch before heading home. It was a great trip and was a lot of fun! I hope we get to have a lot more adventures like that in the future.