What Now

I have weird friends, and my friends have weird friends. I try to understand things that go on between them and I get completely lost. Oh well, it's about time I learned to mind my own business anyways : ).
Speaking of friends. A few weeks ago I saw "The Kevin" from my old high school days. We talked, looked uncomfortable, we exchanged phone numbers, and we said we'd talk later and get together for lunch. Well, I have to admit, I was excited to see him again, and I was looking forward to getting together and finding out who he had turned into. Well, after a couple of weeks and after wondering if it was going to be worth it all, I called him. Actually, I was really hoping that I would get an answering machine so that he would have to call me back if he still wanted to talk and then I would know if he was just being nice, or if he was really interested in being friends again. However, the number he gave me was his cell phone, and I caught him right in the middle of work. He sounded so flustered and I immediately felt like I had done something wrong by calling him (Hey, just like when we were dating!). Well, we talked for a second, and I told him I'd let him get back to work, and I never heard from him again. You know, this guy is the master of making me feel like the least important human being that ever lived. The funny thing is, he doesn't mean to. Wait, don't get me wrong, I don't still have any feelings for him other than friendship feelings, but I still don't like being treated like that. I didn't ask for him to resurface! HE is the one who followed me into the grocery store to talk, HE is the one who gave me his phone number, HE is the one who made an effort to make sure I knew he was right there. Now what?! Geez, it's frustrating. I know I shouldn't be writing this in my blog for whomever just happens to cross the path to read. I don't normally just spill like this about really personal stuff (I am afterall, the cheerful, perpetually happy person!), but darnit, I need to vent. I don't think anyone in the world knows how much he had hurt me! Even though I talked to people about it, I have never been able to completely express how worthless he made me feel. He made me feel like I didn't matter, like I wasn't worth being honest with, like all he had to do was humor me until he could get physically away from me and then he could just pretend I never exsisted! I put everything I had into that stupid, worthless relationship and when it was all said and done, when he made me feel like my best efforts were worth nothing, I ended up with nothing left for anyone else!!!! I feel sorry for my husband because even though I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone else, I'm not everything I wish I could be for him. Whatever patience I had, whatever kindness, whatever thoughtfulness, all of these things that used to come naturally to me are gone. It's not that I don't want them to be there, but that year of being made to feel worthless by someone I cared so much about made me become this defensive, snappish person who attacks when my feelings get hurt instead of being more rational. I know that doesn't make sense, it was after all nearly 8 years ago, but I suppose it's just a really nasty defense mechanism that I can't shake. Oooooo, I just wish that I could have known that I didn't deserve to be treated that way back then (I didn't realize that at the time) and I could have broken it off rather than being strung along and made miserable! I also know I shouldn't place blame, especially on someone who had no intention in creating my monster, but I'm not going to make excuses for him anymore. Whether or not he meant to, he had a hand in this. So thanks so much. Thanks for helping me to become less than what I could be. And as for me now, I need to work on forgetting him and trying to find out how I can be better for everyone's sake.