I wish things would become easier instead of harder.
After taking a long look at things, I've realized that maybe my life hasn't been as good as I thought. I am not unselfish, but I've always thought I tried to be. It turns out that part of this is my fault. Maybe not in the way that Steve chose to deal with things, but if I had been better at being a good wife, maybe it wouldn't have happened.
I know that it isn't as easy as all of that to decide what causes problems, and I can't take 100% of the blame for things falling apart, but I had a hand in it. I just wish I had realized before it came to this.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
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7 comments:
I'm glad you are finally being honest with yourself instead of placing all the blame on Steve. Maybe something good will come of all this pain. I have no doubt that it's opened up some new lines of communication between you two. If nothing else, learning about yourself may help you be a better wife next time around.
I didn't write the first response under my usual name. Maybe it is time I got a more specific name.
Anyway, just wanted you to know. IF I have anything to say I'll put it on email.
I love you,
Anonymous #1
I have some opinions about what the first anonymous poster wrote, but I'm too angry to express them right now.
Things aren't always black-and-white. It is good to have the channels of communication opened and to sort of meet each other at least partway. I see that that's what you're trying to do, and to some extent that's what you need to do in order to work things out. It's good. I'm glad that you two are talking and working on it together.
HOWEVER
Forgive me though if I can't see how you are very much at fault. You can look at how you can do things better. That's the right thing to do, and I support you in doing it. But if it's okay with me I'm just going to be solidly in your corner.
Steamed,
Amy
Well, Amy, I know who the first Anonymous is by her IP address, and I can totally understand why she would like to think I can't blame Steve for all of this. Glass houses, I suppose.
Maybe I could have been a better wife, but I also know that I wasn't at all to blame for what he chose to do. I don't even think Steve knows why he did what he did, but he doesn't blame me for it either.
I thank first anon for sticking up for me. Outside of my family, I have had very few that are understanding of my situation. I agree with what I think you are saying. That if there weren't problems prior, this may not have happened, but what I did was wrong regardless of problems we were having already. I believe it was a symptom of problems we were having, and I believe I would not have been in that position had we not had those problems, so in that light it probably wouldn't have happened if we weren't having problems. But two wrongs don't make a right.
Kelly and I used to pride ourselves on being able to retain our individuality in our marriage and not become those people who are known as Kelly's husband and Steve's wife. Ultimately it was our downfall. There is a reason the Bible says to cling to your spouse. What I did wasn't the start of this. We needed to be going to counselling long before this. I even suggested it. But it doesn't excuse my behaviour.
Anonymous you are either an unfaithful person yourself, or just very thoughtless? You choose, I don't really care.
Kelly
You are just in the middle of the 5 stages of grief. You are grieving the marriage that you thought you had, and had been promised to you. You are in the Bargaining Stage. "If only I could have been a better wife maybe life would be different now.." I personally feel that it isn't true. You and Steven had a different and unique relationship that worked for both of you. He was not looking for a better wife when he did what he did. He already had his ultimate sole mate at home, and I am sure he would agree. I know you mentioned being worried that you might make the wrong decisions about your future. I wouldn't make any decisions right away. Who says that you have to wrap it all up in a neat little package so soon? You need time to heal before you can make a sound decision. You need to worry more about taking care of yourself, because you deserve a little me time! Maybe you can go back to your birthday spa and not forget, but think more comfortable. : )
We love you both in Georgia!
Apparently my last comment was misunderstood. And since I'm a man, I'm going to continue to dig this hole that I'm in. But I will stop with this. I honestly thought I was defending Kelly in what I said. I thank first anon for taking up for me. I still do. But I thought the rest of my comment showed that I didn't blame Kelly for what I did. Honestly, I believe our marriage has problems, and has had problems for awhile now. I don't in any way excuse my actions by the problems we have. But I won't ignore that they exist. I believe this is what Kelly was acknowledging in her post. She and I have talked and she and I agreed that there was a pre-existing problem. I can see that without the pre-existing problem, (which really isn't anyone's fault as it happened in ignorance, and grew out of control), the current problem, (that is all me), might have been avoided. I don't blame Kelly for anything. I think she is the victim here.
There are many views out there as to what a woman's position is in a marriage, and what her duties are. In some views, I could be expected to do what I did. In others, it couldn't be anyone's fault but mine. In reality there is a big wide gray area in the middle that is different depending on the beliefs of the people in the relationship. In my opinion, my actions are not excusable. But there is a pre-existing problem that regardless of how I handled it, will also need to be worked on in counselling.
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