You know how sometimes you think that things are so bad that they can't possibly get any worse? How you think you are at the complete and utter rock bottom of your life and you don't think that you can go any lower? Well, there is a sub-basement to hell that a lot of people don't know about, but I'm in it right now.
As much as I would like, I can't give details about the things that have been going on in my life lately. Some of you know already, but out of respect for myself and my family, I'm not going to write about them here. All that is important is that I have been lied to, repeatedly betrayed, and emotionally beaten down to a point that I'm not altogether certain that I can come back from. I hurt, not just all over, but inside. I have to make some huge, life-altering decisions that I'm not sure I'm smart enough to make. I'm afraid, sad, angry, hurt, and completely confused at the path my life has taken, and I'm not sure I know how to deal with that.
There is a chance that my marriage can be saved, but I don't know if it will be. All I can do is try and see if anything can be done. I don't want to look back someday and know that I didn't at least give it a shot, but it's going to be so hard. There are certain things that can easily be forgiven, and some things that feel impossible to forgive. I'm sick about all of this, just so damn sick. I'm hurt, and I want to hurt all of the people responsible for it, but I know that isn't good. I want to be forgiving, and kind, and smart about it all, but I just don't know if I can. I have prayed that, and sincerely want that, God's will be done, good or bad, but I'm so afraid I'm not going to know what the right thing to do is. It isn't just my future that is in flux, but Steve's. Whatever he may have done, I have no right to destroy his chance for happiness, and I'm afraid I'll do that too. For the first time in my life, I've just wished I could be dead. I don't want to kill myself, but just not wake up in the morning. I know how that sounds, but it hurts that badly. I don't even know how I feel. Sometimes I feel fine, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, and sometimes I just feel defeated. I go in cycles, and I don't know where it will end. I say terrible things, and I cry every day. I wish I could explain how I feel, but I can't. For the first time in my life, I feel paper thin and easily torn apart, and I don't know how to change it.
Every breath hurts, every thought hurts, and every step I take scares me. I just need prayers from everyone. I already know I have some amazing friends, and I'm so grateful for them. I just want to make the right decisions, and I have no idea what they are yet. I'm so scared.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
You know you have my love and my prayers. I know it seems impossible now, but one day the pain will be less and you will heal. Maybe not without scars, but one day you will laugh and love again, because I don't know anyone who deserves that more.
I have faith that God has a plan for you and your life, and He will guide you there, wherever and whatever that is supposed to be.
You are such an amazing woman, and it is a blessing to me that I know you.
Things will get better. No matter what happens, God can make good come out of anything. You will be happy again. Although, I share your same feelings about wanting to not wake up in the morning. But then again, I like to run away from my problems, you don't.
Amy is right. It sounds cliche, but time does heal all wounds. It may seem impossible now, but the pain will fade and you will begin to regain trust.
Once upon a time, I was an unfaithful wife, but my husband was brave enough to forgive my stupidity and continue our life together. Three years later, we couldn't be closer and I would never dream of hurting him like that again. I hope and pray that you two can make it work like we did.
If there were words that could be said, I would sit here until I thought of them, and then I would post them. I reckon there isn't anything anyone could say that would help. It's an awful thing, and I couldn't be more sorry.
Here are some words that probably won't help, but try not worry about the steps you're about to take. Don't be scared. Just take them, and know that GOD is still on his throne. Don't ever let yourself look back with regret, no matter what you decide to do. All you can do is make the best decisions you can, so don't beat yourself up for them later. There isn't one of us alive who wouldn't do some things differently if we had a second chance.
I see you taking on an awful lot of responsibility for your marriage all on your own here. Perhaps I recognize it because I've been there and done that. I can only imagine the hell you're going through right now, and I'm really sorry -- no one should have to go through it.
One thing that it was difficult for me to accept is that it takes two people to get married, and it takes two to stay married. One person cannot save a marriage, but one person can destroy a marriage.
Oh, and if I may be so bold, whether or not you two decide to try marriage counseling, please get individual counseling as well, if for no other reason than it will help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and decide how to manage them and made the decisions you need to make. My heart really does go out to you. Sending you lots of strength and courage.
Post a Comment