OY

Ok. Let's...let's just hope that things will calm down a little bit around here.  Please?  Ok? 

I mean, I know it could be worse.  It could be a lot worse.  Things have been sad, and busy, and busy with sad stuff, but for right now, right this second, things are calm.  Lots of people have it worse than what I've been going through, and I'm going to keep that in mind every time I start feeling overwhelmed.

Yesterday we buried a wonderful lady.  Aunt Brenda, the lady that we always go and stay with on Thanksgiving, passed away Sunday morning after a sudden health issue no one knew about caused a problem.  She and I were close. After my lovely mother-in-law passed away 12 years ago, Brenda became a de facto MIL to me. We talked a lot, and sent each other gifts, and it wasn't until she was gone that I realized how much of Aunt Brenda had been enmeshed my daily life.

It's like waking up and realizing a chair you sit in all of the time is missing, and you have to work around the knowledge that the chair isn't there anymore, and you keep walking to where that chair is supposed to be and it isn't there, and you have to think "well, shit, it isn't there anymore." and then you have to alter your course and find someplace else to sit that isn't as comfortable or convenient, and it throws you out of whack for a while.

She would probably hate that I'm comparing her to a chair, haha!  You know what I mean, though.

We traveled to Georgia on Tuesday for her wake and stayed until Wednesday for her funeral. I'm very glad that she had a closed casket, because I want to remember her the way I saw her last, and not in a coffin.  I sang at her funeral. It's one last thing I could do. Steve played his trumpet, which was nice.

Also, just for fun, I got some bad news about a close friend of mine and I can't help her at all with it.

I'm sorry if I'm framing it as being about me. None of this is ultimately about me and I know that, but people I love are hurting and I can't help them and it sucks.  Sitting around knowing you can't help is bad.

However, up til this point, I've managed to stay relatively gangster. When other people hurt, you just have to stuff your feelings all down and be strong for them, and I think I've managed that so far.  I don't think I've really had time to process all of the things that have happened in the past three weeks, but hopefully that will happen soon. I'm tired, and sick of being sad, and I would like to have some time where I don't have to think about all the bad things that have been going on, but that will have to wait because Christmas is here and we have to go and do a million things and if we didn't do those things we'd hurt people's feelings and there would be lots of questions and I just don't have the capacity to deal with that because the first moment someone questions why I don't want to do some big Christmas thing I think I'll snap and be rude out of sheer exhaustion and hurt someone's feelings and I really don't want to do that.  It's not even that I want to isolate myself or anything like that, it's just that I'd like so much to not have to think about everything shitty that has been going on, you know? 

But...for now, I'm fine.  I'm just fine. I'm gangster. However, I have a feeling that if anyone looks at me wrong or hurts my feelings in any way, I'm going to very much crack apart. 

via GIPHY

Not because I want to, but because there is just a lot of feelings in here that want to get out and I'm not letting that happen, damnit! 

So, that's where I am right now. I'm OK. I'm just full of all of this and it needs to settle. I'll be fine, I promise.  I think I'm just being selfish.

I hug you.

A FAMILY STORY -OR- THE (DAMN) YANKEES WANTED TO STEAL MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDMOTHERS AND SELL THEM TO A SIDE SHOW

That is not just a catchy title, you guys.

I'll be honest, I don't know an awful lot about the history of my family. It's not that I'm not interested in knowing about it, but no one ever seemed to keep many records. We always heard stories about how we were related to this family or that (because we came from a small southern community that didn't see fit to marry outside of the county lines) and occasionally we'd hear a fifth-hand anecdote about how this cousin might have been buried alive, or that relative was sent to live in a mental asylum because they hit menopause and got a little emotional, but information is sparse as far as any real concrete history of our family goes. 

While we were staying with my brother before he passed away, one of the things that we did to pass the time was look through boxes of old pictures and news clippings that my mom had stashed away in a closet. My sister found a newspaper clipping, from a 1993 edition of the formidable Athens News Courier with a story (a story which I thought would have been brought to my attention at the time, but was not) about two of my great grandmothers. This was a story that would have tickled me to death as a teenager, and honestly, it kind of tickles me to death now. It's so rare that I find out real stories about my ancestors and its a bizarre story to boot!

First off, I suppose I need to explain why I keep saying "my grandmothers" in plural.  My family tree kind of joins back together in a certain spot.  My great-great-great grandmothers on both my mother's side and my father's side were sisters.  Actually, they were part of a set of triplets, born in 1862, and thought to be the first set of triplets born in the state of Alabama.  Their names were Melissa, Artimisa, and Narcisa Smith and they were the youngest of 21 (gulp) kids born to Roland and Elizabeth Smith on a plantation close to Cherokee, Alabama in Colbert County.

First off, I had no idea that any of my relatives ever lived on a plantation.  So...yikes. Until reading this story, I was under the impression that all of the people in my family had once been po' white sharecroppers and Native Americans, with some randos from other places thrown in for good measure. However, apparently this branch of my family tree had some money, and a plantation, and triplet daughters that were a very unusual occurrence at the time.

As you know, during the Civil War northern troops came down and burned and pillaged a lot of the plantations and farms of the people who lived in the south. They were not stand up guys, obviously, and when they got wind that there were triplets in one of the homesteads, it got back to the Smiths that soldiers intended to kidnap their daughters, probably to sell them to a circus as a side show act.  Roland Smith then took the time to build a false wall in their house where the hid the girls whenever the Union soldiers were nearby.  The fact that representatives from a county fair had also been after the family to allow them to display the girls in their own side show made the family aware that the threat of the Yankee soldiers very real, so according to the article "Fearing for the triplet's safety, the family left their plantation home and moved to Madison County, just over the Limestone County Line. They fled in the night, crossing the Tennessee river on a ferry, and traveled on to Madison County by horses and wagons."

Neato.

The Smiths then settled on a farm in Madison County, where the girls lived altogether until they were 21 and unfortunately Artimisia died of Pneumonia.  The other two girls, Melissa and Narcisa, went on to marry and have babies and those babies grew up and met and some of them got married and somehow I am a result of that craziness.

That is really all I know about the family, but I'd love to learn more.  Also, knowing that the family had 21 children probably explains my very complex, very interconnected list of cousins around these parts. The only other things of note that I found out was that Melissa (my maternal GGG Grandmother) had really thick ankles, so I guess I know where I got those from now.  The more you know! 

SIGH

Do you ever feel like life is just taking the piss?

Yesterday morning we received word that the husband of our cousin, one of the ones we visit every year in Georgia, passed away after a fairly short illness.  He was only 45, has two teenage kids, and was doing fine until he got sick in October.

I can't even imagine how our cousin is feeling right now. How do you suddenly have to live without your partner of 19 years, the father of your kids, all unexpectedly? My brain won't even wrap around it.  It makes me feel sick for her.

So it looks like this will be a two funeral week for us. We started out the week with one, and we'll be traveling to another one in Georgia for a couple of days at the end of this week.

I'm so, so, so tired of being sad.

LAST UPDATE

For those of you who have been keeping up with the story of my brother and his illness, I wanted to let you know that he passed away Friday night, just before 9:00 PM.

It was peaceful and everyone in our family was there with him when he passed.

I wish I could be poetic, and write some wonderful, elegantly worded essay about him, but I can't do that. At least, I can't do it right now.  It's still too new and it still stings too much.

I told a friend of mine that I have a lot of feelings that I don't understand about all of this, and that is true. I haven't understood any of this situation from the very beginning. I don't believe it is meant for me to understand and right now I'm ok with that. My brother was the person who least deserved to suffer, but for some reason he did. The universe is a weird place.

His memorial service will be tomorrow and I already wish it was over. Not because I don't want to remember him, but I need time to remember him on my own terms; without the music and the preachers and the people telling me "He's in a better place" or "He's healthy now" or any of those platitudes that well-meaning people say at funerals.

He was my brother. He was good and happy and the weight of the world and all of its problems never touched him. He had the purest soul of anyone that I ever met. I loved him so much.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

At least for now.

Thank you.

A NEW UPDATE

Just to let you know, because I know that some of you are keeping up, my mom called me today and told me that my brother is not doing well at all. 

The Hospice nurse told her today that he is basically wearing down and is probably not going to last much longer. They said that before when he first got sick, but he's physically wearing out now and the signs are getting clearer.

I don't really know what to say other than that, but I'd appreciate your prayers and good vibes for my brother and my mom.

SIGH

OK, just a heads up, I'm about to have a little pity party here for myself.

I feel like a failure.

Anyone who has been around these parts since January of this year knows about the rather extreme weight loss program that Steve and I were a part of. It wasn't fun.  It was hard, and awful, and hungry and depressing, but it worked.  I lost over 40 pounds and, I'm not going to lie, I was kind of proud of myself.  Granted, anyone who basically starves themselves will lose weight, but I felt like I was doing it in a relatively smart way: medical supervision, with a support group and an educational class to teach about nutrition and exercise.  It had all of the elements of a successful program that would provide long term results.

I think for almost everyone else in the program it has worked, but for me not so much, and it's all my fault.

Ever since Steve and I were released into "Maintenance Mode" which basically means that we are no longer under weekly supervision, things don't seem to be working out so well.  Some things are fine, as I'm way more aware of the things I eat, I go twice a week to pretty intense circuit workout class, I rarely eat fast food anymore (maybe 5 times since January,) I hardly eat sweets, I eat more vegetables and less carby stuff now than I ever have in my entire life, and a good half of what I consume in a day is hospital approved meal replacements.

Despite all of that, I am still not doing something right, even though I can't really pinpoint it. I know it has to be a lot to do with what I'm eating, as I do eat at restaurants and don't always make the best choices when I'm there.  I have a weakness for salty things, and although I don't do it often, I'll occasionally have a drink if we go out with friends. I'm so tired all of the time that when I don't specifically have gym class, I'm usually sleeping as much as possible so that I can make it through the day without falling asleep at work. Even though those habits aren't even at the level that they were, my weight is creeping slowly upwards and I am ashamed of myself for it.

I know I shouldn't be, because there are probably way more things I should consider being ashamed of myself for, but I can't help it. I worked so hard to lose this weight and now I'm just...failing...at food. I spent so much money and time doing the danged program and now it feels like I wasted all of it.  I know I didn't, as I saw results, but for them to be so easily lost is disheartening.  What's even worse is that when we do go to our monthly meetings, I see everyone doing their thing and it seems so effortless, and I'm just sitting there slowly melting back into a blob of personage by the second.

The thing is, that my shame isn't specifically just about gaining the weight back, although that is something I desperately don't want, but the fact that I couldn't be disciplined enough to maintain the weight loss I'd achieved for even a month after being let go from the program. I'm not back to where I was in the beginning, but if the trend continues, I will be and I don't want that.

I'm just so disgusted with myself, you guys!  I know that if I work at it, I can find some kind of groove to get back into, but right now it seems kind of hopeless and I'm just so frustrated.  I can't just live on meal bars and dietary Yoo-Hoo for the rest of my life. I can only do as much exercise as my body will let me.  I'm just...ugh.

I'm sorry, I know that in the scheme of things this is a very minor blip on the screen, and I hope that I'll just figure out what my issue is and fix it, but right now I'm just so disheartened. 

That is all.  Pity party over for a bit. :)  I hug you.

WHELP...THAT HAPPENED

Some of you have already read this.  I posted this on my Facebook page because I knew people who I'm friends with there would think it was funny. However, I also felt strange NOT writing about it here, because this is where all the crazy stuff that happens in my life ends up!  So I'm posting it here as well, because why not show the rest of the world what a doofus I am!

****

I know I don’t have to tell this story. I know that embarrassing myself is unnecessary, but I’m going to do it because no matter how I felt at the end of the day, it was funny.

Yesterday I had an early appointment and I was in a hurry to get dressed so that I wouldn’t be late. I grabbed a green dress out of the closet and put it on, only thinking for a moment that it seemed a bit short, but as I was wearing hose (don’t judge me) it didn’t seem that concerning.

I went to my meeting, and on the way in and out I struggled to keep my dress down to hide my business when the wind blew. I went to Wal-Mart and had the same problem, but I was shopping, so I didn’t think about it much.

At work, I finally looked at myself in the mirror and realized that my green dress was a lot shorter than I realized. It wasn’t completely indecent, but much shorter than I would be wearing if I had more time to pick my clothes that morning. Every time I’d go into the bathroom, I’d look at how short my dress was and wonder if it had shrunk in the wash. I didn’t remember it being that short before.
On the way home I got gas, and stood in the edge of a busy Huntsville street holding my dress down in the wind as cars went by. I went inside the store to get a drink, even.

As I was getting ready for bed and taking the green dress to put in the hamper, I took one last look and realized that...my green dress didn’t have pockets. It was also not by the brand that was on the tag.

You guys, it wasn’t my dress. It was a shirt. Granted, it was a long shirt, but it was not meant to be worn alone!! I essentially went out of the house, went to an appointment, went to Wal-Mart, went to work, only wearing a shirt! I LEFT THE HOUSE NOT WEARING PANTS.

I knew this day would come, I just thought I’d be older. I need your prayers.

A WHOLE LOT OF RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Oh, Lord, y'all....I had a very full weekend!  I'm not complaining, as I enjoyed everything, but it is Monday morning , and if I could take off all of this week just to recover from the weekend, I would.

2) I spent the night at my mom's house Thursday night so that I could stay with my brother the next day while my mom had a procedure on her eye (thankfully nothing serious, but it involved lasers which is a little scary.) I like my mom's house because it is so clean!  She complains about it being messy, but it isn't at all.  It's like a vacation from my own house that still hasn't recovered from our wall remodel! Also, she has a shower the size of my whole bathroom, which I fully appreciate.

Tommy is still doing about the same, although he has persistent fevers that none of the doctors or nurses can figure out. They told my mom that she could send him to a hospital and he could be extensively tested on, or she could keep him at home and make sure he's comfortable. She has chosen to keep him at home. He is so incredibly fragile that I am terrified to take care of him in case I hurt him somehow, but we did ok. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses and I let him play "Got Your Nose" with me, because for some reason pinching my nose makes him inordinately happy.  That rascal took my nose a hundred times, and in the end refused to give it back, so it's still under his pillow, I guess.  He also got me in a bear hug before I left, and even though he is thin and weak, he can still hug like a bear! Hehe.

Of all the things in the world I don't understand, I really don't understand why he, of all people, is going through this kind of hell.  I don't even know how to pray about it. I suppose it's one of those "by and by" things I hear so much about, huh?

3) Friday night we went out with some of Steve's coworkers and I'm so glad he works with nice people who like me. We had to set up a tent in the downtown area for a race that was going on the next day, so we headed to downtown proper and went to a local brewery and a new restaurant that had opened up a few months ago.  We had a good time, although I think I had more to drink than I should have, i.e. I had two pints of cider instead of just one. I know, I'm a total lush, right?  Actually, I misread the ABV info on the cider and I didn't realize until it was too late. Oops. I didn't embarrass myself or do anything stupid, but I was just a little floopy before it was all over. 

4) I did wake up in the middle of the night regretting the cider because I was supposed to be running in the race the next day.  It was the fifteenth annual Liz Hurley Ribbon Run 5K, which I told you about before (I think.)  There were 6,500 registered participants, and I was number 4146! I didn't realize until the day of that the race was going to be timed, so that was fun! Steve works with a woman who is a survivor of breast cancer, and his company got together a group of people to participate in the race. I was excited about it, because I'd wanted to do another 5K, and hadn't been able to find one that really interested me. This was for a good cause and I wouldn't be running alone!  I didn't practice very much before the race, which was stupid.  I know it's just a 5K, but most people can't just wake up one morning and decide to run that far without doing a little bit of preparation. I kept thinking I'd have more time, but I didn't. Totally my fault. At any rate, I knew I wanted to run as much of it as possible, so that's what I did. Steve was going to walk the whole thing, but I pulled him into the runners area with me and so he didn't have a choice!  Haha! It was cold and raining, so it wasn't the best weather for running, but we were ready to go!

Ok, in light of full disclosure, I did walk a lot of the course. I just wasn't fit enough and I run slowly.  I like to run, but I'm very bad at it.  I don't just mean I'm slow, though. I don't think I run...right?  Is that a thing?  I feel like I'm stomping the ground instead of smoothly running, and I get out of breath so quickly, but I soldiered on as hard as I could.  I did manage to run the fastest mile I've ever run. It was less than I expected, and even with walking, I didn't do too badly time wise.  Steve can run faster than me (even though, unfairly, he never walks, runs, or exercises as much as I do...grrr) so when we'd do our running parts he'd get ahead of me and stop to wait. I told him not to, but he insisted, which I know is nice, but I felt bad holding him back.  He did decide to leave me on the final stretch, which was fine.  He beat me by two minutes almost exactly!  I finished at a perfectly average time of about 46 minutes and change, so I was solidly in the middle of the 6,500 people who started out.  I'm ok with that, though. I didn't need to be fast, I just wanted to finish before it was all over! I can get better if I want. Like I said, I like running, but I don't think I want it to become my only hobby, so it'll be a process. In the end we were tired, wet, cold and covered in glitter, but we had a good time!

5) Right after the race, and I mean I just had time to change out of my wet shirt before we left again, we went to Steve's band picnic, which was cold, wet and also unfortunately poorly attended. There were less than twenty of us shivering in the pavilion, eating sandwiches and talking, but it was nice. I was really ready to go home, though, because I was so, so, so tired.  Everything was hurting by then, and being cold for so long wasn't helping matters.  We finally went home and got dry and fell asleep for a while.  It was much better when we woke up, but everything still hurt! I'm pretty sure I rattled some bones that hadn't been rattled in a while!

6) Sunday I got someone to cover me on the sound board at night, and Steve, Anthony and I went to do autumnal things in a corn maze and a zombie splatter!  I think we were probably too old to do most of the stuff, but we enjoyed getting, literally, lost in the corn maze.  We wound up exiting out the way we got in, so I've decided that we are very bad at corn mazes.  We also shot a pneumatic corn cannon, which was a little scary, but fun!  The zombie splatter was a new thing to me, but it was clearly the most fun. There is a big flatbed on wheels that is rigged with mounted, air powered paint ball guns. Someone on a tractor takes you out into this course with overturned cars and drives through it while people dressed as zombies come at you, so you get to peg then with paint balls!  I really hope the actors were well padded, because I shot one of them in the crotch, like, five times.  It didn't last nearly long enough, though!

Afterwards we went to a diner and had cake, which was a very nice way to end my weekend!

7) Hope your weekend was just as nice!  I HUG YOU! (hug)

I REMEMBERED!

Ha!  I remembered the last thing I was going to write about earlier, and while it's not a big deal, the fact that I remembered without, like, a week going by makes me happy and I'm going to write about it anyway!  YAY!

Ok, so I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. Most of them are what I think of as "Stress Dreams" which I would categorize as the kind of dreams that are fairly common where people dream they show up to class and realize they have a test and they haven't studied for it, or they have a presentation at work and realize they are unprepared.  I don't remember all of them, but the one that sticks out is that I was taken on one of those TV reality baking shows and was told I had to decorate a cake, and I'd be judged on it, but I had no idea how to decorate a cake.  Looking back, it's actually kind of funny, because I was standing behind a big white cake and completely panicking because I had no idea what to do.  I remember my last thought before waking up was

"Sprinkles! I'll put some f*cking sprinkles on it and nobody will know the difference!"

I'm such a problem solver.

Last night, though, was something else.  In my "second sleep" or the time I went back to sleep after being awake for a few hours, I dreamed I was in my bedroom, still in bed (and it was so realistic, which is what made the dream so upsetting) and my sister ran into the room and pointed at the covers and said "OH MY GOD, IT'S GOT A TAIL!" and a lump in the covers started moving towards me and I jumped on it, thinking there was a mouse under it and I didn't want it to bite me.  So I'm holding this big, wiggling lump of sheets, pinning it underneath me and trying not to let whatever is under there get away, and then she starts yelling at me because of something to do with mom. I don't remember what it was, but I know I had forgotten to do something for her, or I had failed to realize something that had to do with her, and the whole time I'm holding down this...thing...under the covers and so I couldn't move or get away.  I felt so bad for whatever it was I'd done (or not done) and I was panicking because the wiggling vermin under the covers was thrashing around, and it has somehow gotten inside my shirt, but I knew that if I took my hand off of it, it would start running around and I'd lose my mind.  I finally got the thing to stop wiggling and I took my hand off of it, and a cockroack the size of an athletic shoe started climbing out of my pajama top, and that's when I woke up in a blind panic, slapping at the front of my shirt and spitting because the dream roach's antenna had gotten into my mouth. 

It was awful and took almost a minute before my awake brain took over and I realized I wasn't being infested.  I honestly can't understand why I didn't remember this dream earlier to write about it, but in a way I'm glad I didn't because now I've got the heebies pretty badly.

Now, would anyone like to analyze these dreams for me?  I'm not sure why I'm having stress dreams, as I don't think I'm particularly stressed, or why I'm dreaming of roaches bigger than my foot!  Send help!

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I should probably rename this blog "Random Acts of Blogging" shouldn't I?  Heehee.  I can't help it! This is what being in my head is like.  It's all random acts of something!

2) I feel kind of blah.  Do you ever have blah days?  You don't feel necessarily bad or good, you're just...existing? That's me today. I don't think I've been sleeping well, to be honest.  I have a hard time going to sleep, but when I finally do I wake up every morning around 3:00 AM and just stay awake until I fall asleep again a couple of hours later.  Then I sleep so hard that I have a difficult time getting out of bed to get to work!  It's an odd feeling, this blahness.  Eh, well, I'd rather be blah than depressed or sad!  Look! There is a silver lining!

3) We went to a "haunted cave" event at Cathedral Caverns on Saturday night and it was fun!  I don't know if this is the first time that they held this particular event, but it was really crowded and I was glad to see we weren't the only adults there without kids.  We went for Anthony's birthday, which I didn't realize was on Saturday (I am a bad friend.)  The haunt itself wasn't really scary.  I'd say it was probably on par with your local Jaycee's haunted house staffed with high school kids and what not. Well, except for one tunnel that had been built along the trail that was creepy. I wasn't sure if someone was going to jump out at me and it was very dark, so I closed my eyes and ran face first into a wall, and there was a big, plastic spider, which Steve didn't appreciate, but other than that it was kind of tame. Actually, walking through the cavern was the eeriest part, because it's already so big and quiet. They had a fog machine and red lights going, and I imagine that there must be parts of hell that look a lot like that, but otherwise it was just silly fun! I started to feel bad for the actors along the trail, because they were trying their level best to scare us, so I started to pretend I was scared towards the end so that they didn't feel like they were wasting their time.

There was one guy in our group that kind of killed the mood for all of us from the beginning. I mean, obviously it wasn't going to be terrifying, but he spent the whole walk through the thing being kind of an asshole to the actors. Someone would jump out at him and he was say (loudly) "oh, awesome." and things like that. He was very obviously trying to be the coolest guy in the cave, I guess. At the end we overheard him say "Well, it wasn't scary at all. They'd jump out at me and I'd just laugh or say -insert whatever it was he'd said- and basically I MADE the tour more than any of the actors." Yeah, friend, you made the tour. I'm sure your friends were thrilled being there with you. 

4) On Friday night, Steve and I went on an impromptu adventure and drove out to Guntersville to eat at a place called "Crawmama's" which is a kind of just-off-the-lake family seafood place that is only open about three nights a week.  Steve had been wanting to try it for a while, but we never could catch it while it was open.  I liked it fine, although I'm not crazy about seafood, but it felt like we were eating in someone's garage.  A garage filled with wild, non-supervised children.  No kidding, there were a plethora (... I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.) of very small, very loud, very unsupervised kids in a sand pit just behind where we were sitting.  It added to the ambiance of the place, I guess.  The food was good, though, and that is what really matters. I enjoy finding new, local places to eat, so that was fun. We've been trying to go out and find places we've never been before more often. So far, we've found a couple we like! Huntsville is full of places like that, and I never had any idea.  Weird.

5) Sunday, after I got back from church, I took off my church shoes and put on a pair of ratty, rubber flip-flops that I've had forever. I tend to wear them around the house to be comfortable, and apparently I was too comfortable because I forgot to take them off and only realized I was still wearing them when I got back for church in the evening.  I actually posted a picture of my feet on Instagram, which not unusual, because I thought it was funny.  This morning, my coworker came in ans said that he thought someone had posted pornography on Instagram because he saw my legs.  Oy.  I mean, I know my dress was above my knees, but the guy isn't Amish!  Haha!  I promise, he doesn't ever have to worry about seeing me naked. I'll do my damndest to make sure that never happens. People pay good money to....I mean, what? Haha. Nooooooooooo thank you please.

6) I feel like there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember what it was right now. Luckily I can come back at a later date and write it if I remember.  If. 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Taking your sweet time to get undressed and leisurely walk down the hallway to the bathroom to shower is all fun and games until you realize your spouse (who has been remodeling) has removed the blinds from the windows that face the big, glass fronted house that our brand new neighbors just moved into.

So, you know, at this point I can't introduce myself to them. I feel like we are way beyond that now. 

Sorry, new neighbors. Usually I wait about a month before I get naked in front of your house. My bad.

2) OK, this is weird.  I'm suddenly gaining weight incredibly fast, even though I'm not doing anything much different from what I was doing before.  I suppose I might be eating more, but I don't think it can be that much more, and I've been working out pretty regularly.  Maybe we've been eating out more often? I dunno, but it seems odd.  Good Lord, will all that work even last for a year? I genuinely don't want to be back in the same situation as I was...ever again.  *sob*

3) I've started Christmas shopping already, and I know it's too early, but I want to get it finished.  Last year we left it til the last minute and it made me hate Christmas. 

Don't get me wrong,  I love giving people gifts, especially if they are gifts that I think they'll enjoy. However, unless I start in like June or so, I always feel like I'm running out of time.  Blerg.

4) Steve and I have signed up to do a race together! Well, we are with a group of people from his work, but I'm excited! I'm not sure why, as it will require me to run, but I am glad to have another chance to do a race and this time I won't be by myself!  It's the Liz Hurley Ribbon Run, which is to benefit breast cancer research.  Boobs are something I hold close to my heart (rimshot) and I'm all about helping to make sure we help keep them healthy!  Specifically, the charity is using the proceeds to purchase 3D tomosynthesis machines to do mammograms. When I had a mammogram earlier this year, I was put in one of those machines and it was weird.  It's like they squash your boob into something off of Star Trek and take images.  It's a great thing, though, because it takes clear and concise images.  Not everyone gets to use them yet because there aren't enough of them, but I got lucky. 

Our team is called (Oy, y'all) Wall of Breast Friends - because the woman we are running in honor of has the last name of Wall - if you feel like donating. I'm not asking you to do that, though, but just FYI.

I hope no one makes we wear a tutu.

OH, Y'ALL.

Today I went to my first monthly maintenance meeting for the weight loss program we've been doing.

I. Hated. It. Exclamation Point.

I hated it so much that it's hilarious.  I mean that, I was on the verge of cracking up the entire time I was in the room, and the fact that I didn't do so is proof that I have some semblance of self control deep down.  This was how I felt about 15 minutes in:

via GIPHY

Don't get me wrong, I know it's important for us to continue going to these meetings. We need to be held accountable, we need encouragement and guidelines and all of that, and we need the resources to continue with the work we started, but geez.  The worst part of trying to lose weight, and I mean this universally and I'm guilty of it as well, is doing nothing but talking about what you're eating and how you're exercising, and how you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing. That kind of thing bores me into an itching fit.

That was literally what we did the whole time.  THE. WHOLE. TIME.

Granted, this was an entirely new class of people and we had to do the "go around the room and tell a little bit about ourselves."

via GIPHY

But honestly, I thought we'd been there for an hour and when I looked at the clock, we'd only been there for 20 minutes.  It was brutal.  We had to listen to this man describe every vegetable that he put in a salad.  I'm not exaggerating.  Instead of just saying "I eat salads with no meat" he listed off the entire produce inventory for Whole Foods. He also didn't know how to pronounce "cruciferous." One lady had to explain, in painstaking detail, her day and what she does in it and how she militantly doesn't allow herself to eat except on a schedule and that she asks to take home food from parties just so she can throw it away.  At least two women spent their time berating themselves, like, almost to the point of pulling out a cat-o-nine-tails (not the fun kind) and scourging their own flesh because they'd gained weight.  Steve, one other lady, and I gave a fairly abbreviated description of how we'd been doing since we left the main part of the program and the rest was just some weird self flagellation or grocery list recitation.  It was so uncomfortable that I came very close to getting laugh-in-church syndrome.  I kept trying to catch Steve's eye, but he wouldn't look at me because he was feeling the same way.  Oh, and the topper of the whole thing is that the lady just interrupted me while I was talking and then moved on, which really endeared her to me for life!  Haha.

I know that what we are in is basically a support group, and I know that these people need to talk, and I'm hoping that now that we know one another we don't have to do that part of it again and we can get to talking about nutrition and exercise and more helpful stuff instead of a group misery session.  If we don't, I'm not sure I'll survive . 

via GIPHY

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I like gifs! 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I lost a good friend yesterday.

He was a good man.  That doesn't seem like a very fitting eulogy for a person like him, but if you took all of the things he was and added them together, that feels like the perfect word to describe him.  He was GOOD.

He was the former Minister of Music at our church, only retired because he was diagnosed last last year with ALS, an asshole of a disease that progressed so quickly that he literally went from having a slight limp around this time last year, to being bed ridden and unable to talk when I saw him two weeks ago.  He had been an amazing musician (playing piano for many years of his life) a loving father of six (four of which were adopted from terrible homes and addict parents, and who all had varying levels of mental illness,) a grandfather of five girls he loved so much, and he was so funny.  We worked together for five years and made each other laugh constantly, which in my opinion, that is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person.We'd talk and confide in each other. We sang with each other a lot. We got each other in a way our other coworkers couldn't, even though he was old enough to be my father.  We were friends. 

I don't have many friends. That probably sounds kind of pathetic to state it so baldly, but it's the truth.  That is why the friends I do have mean so much to me and losing one hurts.  Part of me feels like I don't have the right to be too sad, because he wasn't my father or my brother, and there are so many others who loved him more than I did that my feelings feel selfish, but he was important to me and knowing he's gone is painful. He's the kind of man the world needs more of. I will miss him. Everyone will.

2) Just for the record, I know that my blog has recently seemed a little bleak and I'd like to apologize for that. I know that you don't come here to read sad things or get bummed out.  In fact, I know that you probably want to avoid getting bummed out at all costs. I mean, why deal with other people's unhappiness if you don't have to, right?  Well, I hope you don't decide to avoid my blog for good.  I don't mean to be bleak.  See, the world is beautiful and it has so many wonderful things in it that when the bad things come, it's like a load lands right on my shoulders and I don't feel like I have a place to put it down, except for here.  So, I'm sorry if I've been harshing your buzz, man. Heh. It just feels like there have been a lot of loads lately and I can only hold so much at a time.  Hopefully there will be less of them soon.

3) Actually a funny thing happened to me this morning.  I had to go to the doctor to finish getting my Hep A&B vaccination (the last shot!) and my flu shot.

Let me just pause here and suggest that you get your flu shot, either at your doctor's office or at a pharmacy. Protect yourself and others! (Shut up! I don't want you to be sick! I like you and don't want you to feel bad, OK?  Sue me.)

Anyway, our particular doctor's office makes you show ID and fill out forms every time you go.  I'm not sure why that is, but it's routine for them to hand you a clipboard after you walk in and tell you to fill out a questionnaire that you hand over to the nurse that takes you back.  Usually it's just one form, but today I got handed a stack of them and was told to fill it out and hand it to the nurse that would be giving me my vaccinations.  Well, ok then! The questions on the papers seemed kind of odd, but I thought that because our current doctor is about to leave the practice (thanks, lady) that perhaps we had to fill these out so that we could be placed with a new doctor that would decide who would be their patents due to the forms.  I literally had no idea, but they gave me forms and told me to fill them out, so I did.  Everything on them was fairly routine until I got to the question "Have you fallen in the past year? What caused your fall?"  I didn't answer that, because I was too embarrassed to tell them I was super clumsy.  Then it asked me if I could call for help if I needed to, and if I had weapons in the home, and if I suffered from dizziness.  There was a long list of questions about depression, and even a section labeled "Geriatric Depression."  I thought, what the hell, man!  I'm only 40!  I reasoned that maybe when you turn 40, you get put into some other kind of category, medically, so I filled out that part too.  The last page was the weirdest, because it had a blank space in the middle and said "Draw a clock face with the numbers in the correct places and the hands pointing towards ten after eleven." WTF?  Ok, I can deal with being asked if I'm depressed, and if I'm clumsy, but this seemed like, borderline condescension on their part. I drew the clock, figuring that maybe it was important for some reason. I even added some little curly-qs around the edges and put the hands in perspective, because why not. It wasn't the best I could do, but darnit, they wanted a clock and I gave them a pretty good clock.

When I was finally called back, I handed the clip board to the nurse and he looked confused and said "Did they give you a Medicare form? What? Why?  Oh, my god, did you draw the clock?"  I told him I did and he started laughing.  Apparently the woman behind the desk was new and had given me the Medicare paperwork that was supposed to go to the older gentleman that had checked in after me. The nurse took my paperwork out and showed the other nurses and the desk people and the doctor. It was, up to that point at least, the best thing that happened to him all morning. He even said that I drew the best clock he'd ever seen!

Then he got to give me a shot in the butt, so I got to make his day twice!  Heehee.

4) I hope you're having a great day, by the way!  (Hug) 

C'MON SON...

I am irritated. It's kind of funny, too, but still irritating.

Before I explain why, let me get this out of the way because it's the crux of the matter and it's already well documented how I feel about it.  Ghosting is a dick move.  The idea that it's ok to simply stop responding to someone because you don't want to deal with finishing out a conversation, or answer a question, or even end a situation is cowardly, mean, dishonorable, and shitty.  It just is.  I'm pretty sure we all feel that way, or at least we should, if we are decent people who were raised right.  That is awful way to treat another person, and the ONLY reason it would ever be acceptable is if you are in a situation where you might get hurt or get into a fight and need to walk away before things get out of hand.  It's bad, is what I'm saying, and people who use this tactic with dealing with other people are dickbags.

Doing that to another individual is bad enough, but to do it in a professional setting might even be worse.

OK, here is the situation.  It's silly church drama, so forgive me in advance.

For the past few months, our church has been looking for someone to fill an important position on our staff.  The vacancy came quite suddenly, so we've had to scramble to get all of our ducks in a row. A lot of people have shown interest, most of which were not qualified for one reason or another, but we finally found a person who seemed perfect for the job. He'd done similar work in the past, his references were good, his interview seemed to go perfectly and we were ready to move to the next step in the process when a monkey wrench got thrown into the mix.

Someone else comes along at the last minute who is also uniquely qualified for the job and asks to be considered for the position.  This person (forgive my vagary, but anything more specific and I might make someone mad if they were to stumble upon my blog) would also be good at the job, they are a member of our church, and everyone already knows them. The problem is that this particular person being hired isn't the best case scenario for our church for a few different reasons, but because positions like the one we are talking about are hired by votes from our church members, chances are that our church wouldn't even consider the first person and want to hire this second person simply because they are already familiar with them, no matter how qualified the first person might be.  It has become a thing, is what I'm saying, and it has caused a lot of confusion, people getting into business that they have no business getting into, and opinions are all over the place.  The gist is that having a candidate for the job that is not a church member, and who would do a great job, is important to give the church some perspective. So it has become a thing, although thankfully, not a big thing. Yet.

OK, so with that situation going on we had to go into damage control mode.  We had to call the first person and postpone them coming and doing a trial run for us until the the pastor could interview him a second time.  No biggie, obviously, so the pastor sets out to go and visit with him.  Can't find the guy anywhere.  The business this person is supposed to own is deserted, and the phone number on the resume is wrong.  Ok, fine...  We finally track down the person's phone number, call him, and he agrees to meet with the pastor after he finishes an errand he's running.  The pastor, who has driven across town to meet with him, waits in a restaurant for a couple of hours, only to finally call the guy back and hear "Oh, well, I got caught up in something. Sorry. Can we meet tomorrow?"  Could the guy have called the pastor and told him that he couldn't make it? Yes. Did he? No. So the pastor, understandably irritated, agrees to meet with him the next day and tells the guy pointedly to call him when he has a few minutes to talk.  The guy doesn't call.  At this point, I doubt he'll be considered for the job anymore and the other person will be hired by default. Great. Fine. Mysterious ways or whatever.

But still...here we have a guy, by all accounts a functioning adult man, interested enough to apply for a job, come to church to meet people - twice - and who was more than willing to come and do a dry run of the job to see if he'd be a good fit, simply avoid calling us back for whatever reason. Does he not want the job anymore? Did he change his mind? That would be fine, we'd leave him be if that is what he wants, but he needs to TELL US. Why is it that people feel that they can just stop responding altogether and that be all well and good.  It isn't!!!!!  We have put time and effort into creating the rapport and relationship with this man (again, a grown up, professional man) and he has decided that just noping out without an explanation is ok? That is seriously uncool, especially when he asked to be considered for the job in the first place and we have to go back and unpick all the stitches that we've put into place, and that's a pain in the ass.

I don't understand people.  Have we devolved so much as a society that some people think it's acceptable to blank out, not just in personal situations, but in professional ones too?

I don't understand people at all.  Doing stuff like that makes them look like such an asshole, and chances are, they are creating chaos somewhere. Even if they are a misanthropic person, they should have the decency to end the things they start. If nothing else, it'll guarantee the person/people/business/situation they don't want to be involved in will stop trying to contact them and they won't end up on someone's shit list.  I hope that you, whoever you are reading this, don't do this sort of thing. Be a good person.

And that is my rant for today. Thank you for coming. :)

AN UPDATE

Hey guys, this is an update on my brother's situation!  It's a good one, so don't worry. :)

Yesterday, mom took Tommy to see his doctor, who was concerned and upset that the hospice group they'd been using had dropped him as a client.  It is clear that, in his current condition, he needs to be checked on by a regularly visiting health professional. So the doctor made sure to immediately contact a new service to take on his case. That is a huge relief for all of us.

That in itself is good news, but to make it better, the particular hospice that the doctor chose to call gave my brother's case to the former pastor of the church my parents went to when my father was still alive. I remember the pastor (who I nicknamed Lieutenant Dan) as a very sweet man who cared a lot for my family, so to know he is familiar with my brother and his particular needs is a nice bonus.

So, although things are still not great as a whole, there are a few bright spots for now! Thanks again for your concern and I'll let you know more when there are more things to know.

AN EXCESS OF RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) For those of you asking about my brother, he did get to go home last Tuesday!  That is a really good thing, because he doesn't sleep very well when he's away from home and my mom won't let anyone else stay the night with him so that she can rest.  Being home is good for both of them.  Thanks for your prayers and concern, because even if I don't know the correct way to express it sometimes, knowing you care means a great deal.

Weirdly, the hospice group that they had dropped them as clients, because Tommy was taken to the hospital. I don't think that's fair, because he was taken to the doctor by direction of the hospice nurse, but they have strange rules. My mom doesn't seem to care much, but I hope she will reapply if she needs to. She is one of those types of women who will do everything on her own and not ask for help, even if it is too much for her.

So, silver lining is that they are home and can rest and be comfortable.  So please continue your prayers and good vibes, as they are still needed!  Thank you!

2) Steve and I have recently been adopted by a group of people who play trivia on Monday nights and it's been lots of fun.  We don't contribute that much, as the other folks there are very smart and have been doing the trivia thing for a long time now.  I don't know if we'd have a single thing in common with these people outside of the trivia setting, well, except for Anthony (they're all his friends) but they're all very nice people. It's still fun to have a thing to do, though, so I'm glad we have been included.  We've gotten first place all but twice every time we've played!

3) I have officially been moved into the "Maintenance" phase of our weight loss program, which means that I no longer have to go to the weekly meetings, just go once and month to be weighed and go to a new kind of class.  Basically, they don't think I'm going to lose anymore weight and so they put me on the program that is supposed to put me in a holding position so as not to gain weight.

I've been left to my own devices and I'm not sure I'm responsible enough to handle it!  As I was telling a friend, I'm the one who screwed up myself in the first place! I can't be responsible for it again!  Ahhhhhhh!  Haha!

I didn't reach the weight loss goal that was set for me, but I have gotten to a place I don't mind sticking to, if I can't lose any more. It's still a process, because I still make poor eating decisions and my weight fluctuates still, but hopefully I won't go back to the way I was, or even get close. I just want to be as fit and healthy as possible without getting weird about it.

4) I've got a question. Are you more or less likely to do a thing when someone asks you to do it as a "personal favor" even if that favor is slightly uncomfortable?  I'm not talking about anything weird, obviously, but, for example, if someone says "Can you do me a personal favor and tell me if I start being a nag?" would you do it? None of us want to be the person who tells a friend that they are nagging, because that sounds mean, but if that person has specifically asked for help recognizing when they're doing it and asked you specifically to tell them (as a personal favor) then would you?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well when I need something from someone else. As you know, my anxiety levels can be off the charts about certain things, especially personal interactions, and as annoying as it probably is, sometimes I need people to help me understand things outright and not just expect me to know what they mean. Otherwise, the way my brain works, I'm immediately going to assume the worst or most hurtful thing. This is not on purpose, this is literally a weird brain thing I have, so it's not meant to be annoying.

I don't ask for "personal favors" very often, and only from people I know well and interact with a lot, so I was hoping that expressing it that way would be enough for them to know it was something I really needed and not just a throw away comment. Is it not?  If I need someone to let me know something, even if it's not pleasant, how can I ask so that they'll do it?

Oh, and don't worry. I'm not aiming this at anyone specific. Me trying to navigate personal relationships by asking (and sometimes begging) for clarification of things outright, has been going on all of my life. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  Usually it doesn't because people are hesitant to tell me things that might seem harsh or that might be disappointing, even if I've made it clear that I would rather know than not.  My need to know how the land lies is integral for my mental calmness, so I wouldn't ask things if I really didn't want to know, even if the knowledge is hurtful.  Does that make sense?  How can I put it across that I need information so that I'm not sitting up at night wondering if I've made someone mad, or if they aren't telling me because I don't matter, or if I've done something wrong...blah, blah, blah. People just...not...letting me know things has been happening for so many years that I must be doing it wrong. What do I need to do?  Anyone?  Bueller?

5) Anyways, enough about that.  I hope you have a great day!  I HUG YOU! (HUG)

EVEN MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: NOW WITH 25% MORE RANDOMNESS!

1) I wonder, seriously wonder, what would happen if everyone on the internet just shut the f*ck up for 24 hours.

Ok, well, maybe not everyone, but certainly those people who argue politics, or hate whichever president is in office at the moment, or who think they're being discriminated against (when they really aren't) or people who feel its there job to over inflate perceived injustices when really, they aren't that serious, or those who want to carefully explain to me why my opinions about something are terribly wrong, or the people who start GoFundMe pages for ridiculous things.

So, yeah...just those people. Cat/dog stuff, genuine, unbiased news, makeup tutorials (the ones without whatever dumb drama is going on in the beauty community - whatever that means,) silent Japanese DIY videos and people that I personally like can stay.  Everyone else needs to get off my lawn. :)

2) Sorry to sound grumpy this morning.  It's just been a kind of yuck weekend and it has made me a bit blue-ish.  Kind of robin's egg blue, I think.  It'll pass, as it usually does.

3) A new update on my brother.  He was hospitalized again last week out of fear that he had a serious infection. Thankfully, at least at the time of this posting, they haven't found anything that they can consider "serious" and we are really hoping he can come home today.  He has not been doing well, but I think when he can go home, at least he will be more comfortable.  Please keep sending your good vibes or prayers for him and my mom, as this has not been easy for them. Thanks in advance.

ETA: He did wind up having a light case of pneumonia, so he wasn't able to come home today. Possibly tomorrow. 

4) Yesterday I had one of those awesome little moments that sometimes accidentally happen in a day. The weather reports kept saying that it was going to rain, so I walked to the window in the living room and opened the curtains too check the weather, and right in front of our house a guy was walking the fluffiest golden retriever I'd ever seen!  It was so cute, and I don't know where it came from, as I don't know about any goldens that live on our street.  I had perfect timing! Dogs are great.

5) Some sad news on the animal front: We think our feral friend Rorschach the Cat has done a disappear.  A couple of weeks ago, we heard a weird hissing noise that didn't sound like the cat out in front of our house (the same place the robot voice was that time) and I ran to open the door to see what it was.  There was nothing there. Not even Rorschach.  He (or she, we were never sure) hasn't been back since.  There was no sign of a struggle, and no, erm...pieces left behind, so we don't know if something came and got the cat, or if whatever it was just scared him off.  Either way, I miss that dumb cat more than I thought I would!  I'd just gotten him used to getting petted without him biting...much!  Poor kitty.  I hope he just ran off and found another sucker who will feed him everyday.

6) I hope you have a happy day!  I hug you! (hug)

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Have you ever had a moment of realization that kind of slapped you in the face? I did, and I'm panicking a bit.

You know how we all have secrets, right?  Some are just dumb things we are embarrassed about and some are, well, more secrety than others? 

Usually I'm pretty transparent about myself, because I'm not so interesting that I have things to hide, but there are a couple of things that I don't talk about, ever, to anyone.  Usually.  I have one such secret, and what it is isn't important, just know that it's something I hold close and dear and it's mine.  I don't talk about it. Nothing bad, or scary, or anything like that, just a stupid little secret that I keep close, but if anyone else knew, it would...well, it would be complicated.  For a while now, I've known for a fact that one person knows it, but it's because she can read me like a book.  She's had the good grace never to mention it straight out, but I know she knows because she knows everything about me.  I felt pretty confident that she was the only one who did know and I was fine with it because she wouldn't tell anyone. I trust her implicitly.

Then I remembered.

About eight or nine years ago, in a moment of what I can only remember as desperation (and I don't remember what brought it on) I happened to tell someone, like...outright...what that secret was. I know that it was germane to whatever was going on, but I don't know why I told this person. It wasn't even a person I know very well, but I assume that I was in a fairly vulnerable state, which breeds confidences like that. I mean, we're friends and all, but not...you know...FRIENDS. I know that it made them look at me differently. Once whatever crisis passed, I completely forgot about telling them until recently. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I have regret!  I don't know what I was thinking.  This person will probably never tell anyone my dumb little secret, but I have no way of knowing that. Their spouse knows me and what if they told them?  I mean, it's been however many years and they haven't said anything, and they seem to be a decent sort of person, but what if I make them mad?!  I've been in a low grade fever of discomfort since I remembered.  I need to shut up.  I especially need to shut up when I'm in emotional turmoil.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this now.  GAH!

2) Last week I mentioned that I'd be missing my weight loss class because I needed a break from it.

I skipped it!  I stayed at work and finished some of the stuff that had been backing up and I felt better about things in general because that was one less thing that I had to deal with that week. Steve was supposed to go and pick up our supplies from them the next day so that I wouldn't even have to do that, but he didn't.  He got caught up at work and asked me to go by and get them. Dangit. I agreed, because usually, if you have to pick anything up late, it is left on a desk in the front of the office and you don't have to talk to anyone.

Wellllll, our stuff wasn't there, and so I had to go back and talk to the lady who puts together our packages.  She had forgotten about us, so she told me to wait a few minutes and she'd get us sorted. While I was waiting, the behaviorist came by and saw me and  I ended up getting weighed AND lectured!!!!!!!  Everything I purposefully avoided the day before happened anyway!  This is all the proof I need that I have no control over my destiny. Someone that does not like me much is in control of my schedule now.  I will be weighed, measured, and found too heavy every time. :(

3) I've been cleaning out my closet lately and you know what I realized? When I make special plans to do something (and by special plans I mean plans that are out of my normal, everyday deal, and possibly with people I don't see very often) I will sometimes buy new clothes to wear that day. Its a weird thing, I know, but I like to look nice and/or appropriate so these nice people don't find out that I am normally a huge slob! Haha! Anyways, since I've had to start weeding clothes out of my closet, I've found a LOT of clothes that I bought for specific plans that ended up getting cancelled.  Like, a lot.  It's not a big deal, of course, because every cancelled plan means one less day of wearing pants, but I could remember what most of the outfits were for and it made me sad that they never happened. Why do we, as adults, cancel plans so much?  We are going to die sooner than later! We should take more time to see our friends. I ended up having to get rid of some stuff I never even got a chance to wear.  Eh, well...Silver Lining...maybe someone else can wear them for their own special plans AND they'll be able to buy the clothes for cheap at Goodwill!  Maybe I made someone's day!

4) OK, just so you don't think I'm in a complete funk (I'm not. I'm just...slightly blue, I guess. Sorry.) I have started a project and have been having a lot of fun with it!  I have been building models!  Not like, cars or anything like that, but model houses.  Well, model rooms, to be specific.  I happened to find some videos on YouTube of some Japanese model builders, and I enjoy watching them because I find them restful.  I thought the kits were only available in Japan, but as it turns out, you can buy them on Amazon!  They are very detailed and complex, and some of them are wired with lights. I'm currently building this one.  It's all made out of paper, balsa wood, beads and wires and bits of plastic.  When I worked at the SpRocket (ptooey) I used to build doll houses and miniature things out of scraps leftover from signs when things got slow, and it reminds me of that, only the kits come with everything you need.  I HAVE discovered that I'm not really great at following directions! Haha! I wanted to finish the structure before I made the details, so I would have a place to put everything, but you have to build some parts to put on other parts, and the directions for each thing you build are in no particular order in the booklet, so I keep having to pull things apart and reglue other things to make them right.  One whole wall I glued in backwards, and the "windows" are spotted with glue and on the wrong side of the wood, but I'll just put that part against the wall when I set it up!  I also accidentally cut through some of the paper patterns because I didn't know the paper was folded in half! Oops.  I did manage to wire the lighting in correctly, which I'm quite proud of!  It works!  It's slow going, though, because each thing has to be assembled individually, but I'm having a lot of fun and it gives me something to do with my hands. I'm already excited about building another one when I'm done with this. I've missed making things.

5) I hope you're having a great day, by the way. I really do. :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I meant to tell you about this when I was writing about out trip, but I forgot.

One of the weirdest things I saw in Paris were the groups of soldiers walking around in the city. That shouldn't be weird, considering that I live in a town with an Army base, but these soldiers seemed ominous in some way.  There were always four of them walking in formation, wearing fatigues, carrying automatic weapons and not talking to anyone.  They were on some sort of patrol, I suppose. I know that there have been terrorist situations where people have run vehicles into crowds of people in Europe, so I suppose that was what they were on the lookout for, but it was kind of scary!  It wasn't the guns that bothered me (I mean, let's be serious, where I live even your morticians have a conceal carry permit in case of the zombie apocalypse) but I think it was that the out-of-placeness (I know there is a word for that, but I don't know what it is) that felt so weird. I also noticed that the cops there had very obvious guns.  I dunno, maybe I just didn't expect to see guns at all over there, so it was a bit jarring to be walking along the Seine and suddenly having to move out of the way of the soldiers with big-ass guns.

Shout out to them for protecting my American behind in their country though!

2) I've gone back to Boot Camp after taking a month off and it was a tough reintroduction! Granted, I know that the class (a mixture of strength and resistance training and cardio) isn't that intense, but for me, a giant marshmallow filled with pudding, it's hard!  The first day back I almost threw up, which is so embarrassing. The poor instructor has been scared every since we met that I'm going to pass out or throw up at some point. It's not that the class is that intense or that I'm that big of a weenie, I just have terrible balance and I get motion sick very easily for some reason and we move around a LOT.

Other than that, though, I'm still enjoying it and I'm getting a little better!  I did a plank correctly for the first time!  That is huge for me!  I also have a muscle in my stomach now!  It's nowhere close to being an actual ab or anything like that, but I know it's there. Buried. Like a shoe box under a pile of laundry!

My weight loss has stalled and keeps trying to reverse, to my great chagrin. That is my fault, as I am heartily tired of the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I am still working on it, but now that I'm allowed food, I do tend to eat things I'm not supposed to have and we've gone out to dinner at restaurants several times, but I really don't understand the extent of the gaining. At the most I should be maintaining my weight, but no.  I keep gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over, which sucks.  I need to get back into my good head space, because I need to lose about five more pounds, which is proving to be really freaking hard.  Also, I'm afraid once I'm not going to the weekly meetings, I'm going to lose my motivation and regain all the weight I lost, and I desperately don't want to do that.  It's all so hard and frustrating. I want to be healthy and fit (I don't care much about being skinny, but I'd like to be comfortable in my own skin and I'm not quite there yet) but I also want to eat delicious food. It is becoming apparent that you can't do both.

I've actually been keeping a weekly video diary of the process, which is funny going back to look at them. I'm thinking about editing some of it together and posting it here. It is truly a timeline of all of this madness!

P.S. I skipped this week's meeting because I needed a week off from being weighed like a cow. I'm calling it a mental health break.

3)  I wish there was more to tell!  Not a lot going on at the moment, but that's ok. I'm at least making myself do some crafts instead of only sitting around watching videos in my spare time, and I ordered some stuff to do a fairly elaborate project that I've never tried before, so that should be fun!  I hope your days are much more exciting than mine! In a good way, of course, not in an "we have to hide from flesh eating platypodes" kind of way.  Although that WOULD be exciting! 

BLOGGED AFTER THE FACT- FRANCE TO HOME! JUNE 20

OK, not gonna lie.  I didn't have it in me to write about the day we left France on the day we left France. Or the next day. Or the next day.

It's been over a month, and I'm just now starting to climb back on top of the jet lag and being tired from the trip.  We had an amazing, AMAZING time, but I am old and cranky and I need sleep.  So about the end of our trip...

Let me explain... No, there is too much.  Let me sum up.

We got to sleep in a bit that Thursday before being taken to the Charles de Gaulle airport, wherein we had a heck of a time getting checked in. I still don't know what the deal was, but almost everyone in our group had a problem getting our bags checked and getting our boarding passes.  By the time we got all that finished, we had just enough time to go to the bathroom before we started to board. 

Me, and the brown kid in front of me, were "randomly selected" to be searched.  A very nice French man got to see me pull up my shirt and run a metal wand around the waistband of my pants.  I think by French law he's my second husband now.

The flight was...long. LONG. My kingdom for one day figuring out how to complain to the right people to get moved into first class during an overseas flight for some trifling reason.  Seriously, can someone teach me how to be the kind of jerk who makes that happen?

Air France did their best to keep us comfortable, though, I'll give them that.  A woman a row up from us had some kind of food allergy and monopolized the flight attendants attention and they forgot to give Steve and me any dinner, but once they realized what they did, they fell all over themselves to fix the issue.  The head attendant came and personally apologized and offered to give us more food or anything else we wanted. We were a little taken aback, because it wasn't a huge deal, but it was kind of them to do all of that. We said we didn't need anything, but they insisted on doing something, so we let them bring is a glass of champagne.  So I was tipsy and/or asleep for the next hour or so!  Haha.  Yep, still really dehydrated!

We landed in Atlanta, went through customs, rented a mini-van, and Steve, Anthony, Kayla and Me made our way back home.  Steve drove, and I don't know how he did it because the rest of us were dozing off.  I tried so hard to stay awake to talk to him and keep him awake, but I kept falling asleep!  We finally got Anthony and Kayla delivered to their respective homes and Steve and I headed back to our own house.  Unfortunately, Steve dozed off and ran off the road, but we are ok.  It scared both of us enough to stay awake all the way home!  Silver Lining! 

Now we're back, and I am very glad to be home.  I did get my alone time and lots of it, as it turned out, because Steve had to go to Alaska for work. It took about three weeks to really get back into the swing of things, which is pitiful, but we were really running ragged by the end.  I had an absolute blast and would love to go back to both countries again, but there is still so much world to see that maybe I'll go someplace new next time! :) 

Thanks for reading about my trip!  There are still a few anecdotes that I'll talk about later, but for now, let's get back to real life, shall we?

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: BONJOUR! EDITION: JUNE 19

You know, I never-ever say this when I'm on vacation, but I think I'm ready to go home.

Don't get me wrong, I've had an absolute blast on this trip, and I love exploring new places and trying new things, and I genuinely like the people I'm here with, but I'm ready to not be doing any of those things and not being around these people for a while.  Well, except for Steve, but that can't be helped.

I've come to this conclusion because I heard Steve chew today and wanted to shove him off of a building. Actually, I think I'm just ready to have some time to myself for a bit, back in my own house, maybe go to a store without an entourage, and not wear pants for longer than an hour at a time.  It is possible to be genuinely fond of the people you are traveling with and be sick to death of being with them every hour of ever day.  I think that's where I am right now.  No malice intended, just...tired.  Luckily for all of us, this is our last full day on the trip, so hopefully the feeling of slight irritation we have with each other will get no worse.

Having said that, though, today has been a lot of fun!  We only had a couple of places we were scheduled to be today, so we took our leisure in getting up and having breakfast this morning. You know how I said the children were out of control yesterday?  They were worse today. I don't think they are bad kids, but they are with parents on vacation who seem to have 100% checked out of parenting them and they are just running buck wild.  Oy.  At any rate, we got all that taken care of and jumped back on the subway to do a bit more site seeing.  Oh, we've finally figured out how to use the subway!  You can't look for where you want to go, but the terminus of the line you want to be on.  It's all very backwards, but makes sense when you look at the maps.

Today we had tickets to the Eiffel Tower!  Woot!  We were actually scheduled to go at a certain time, but our usual group decided to head out there early to take some photos and see what is around.  There is a lot of construction around the base of the tower. They are building some kind of safety wall or barrier around it that is bullet proof. It's a shame that something like that is necessary, but that is the world we live in right now, I guess. We stopped along the street in front of the tower and had a fun little photo shoot. 

Oui, bitches.

Lots more photos were made, just not with my phone. I wish I had them, but I'll have to wait until we get around to sharing them, I guess! We walked through the park and went ahead and got in the security line so that we could be searched and whatnot. They don't let you take much up there!  It was too early to get in line (as we had a scheduled time to go) so we hung out underneath the tower for a while. 

This feels uncomfortably like an upskirt photo. My apologies, tower!

I had already known that the Eiffel Tower had only been intended to be a fancy showpiece for the 1887-1889 World's Fair, but what I didn't know was that it's pieces were all made someplace else and just assembled at it's current site.  So basically we were standing in line to be carted up with hundreds of other people onto the world's oldest IKEA coat rack.  Yeah, that made me feel safe!  Haha!

The view from the second level was amazing. I took a few photos, but mostly just looked.  You can really see everywhere from up there, so if you get a chance, you should go up there!  I know it seems hopelessly touristy and maybe a little cheesy, but still...it's worth it! 

We left the tower and headed to the only other thing we had on our list to do today, and that was take a cruise down the river Seine.  For some reason I thought it was a dinner cruise, but no, it was just a nice drive down the river.  We sat inside the boat instead of on top, so I didn't get any photos, but it was nice just to rest our feet and enjoy the ride.  I have no idea how long the trip took, maybe an hour or so, but it was a fun way to see the buildings along the river.  I think the original idea had been to do this particular tour at night, but we went ahead and did it during the day. No city of lights for us!  

After landing, we walked around a bit more.  We had dinner at a very French outdoor cafe (making up for Five Guys the day before.)  We found a small chocolate shop and bought a few things, wondered along several streets just looking about, and then headed back towards our hotel so that we could go back to the creperie that we'd gone to on our first day in the city! I didn't take any pictures of what I ordered, but it was full of ice cream and chocolate and pears, and although that combination sounds gross, it was not!  That was really a great way to end our trip, by the way.  Relaxing in a cute shop that sold delicious things.  Every day should end like that.

We finally had to come back to the hotel and get everything organized for the trip home tomorrow. I wish this was a place I could come more often and see more of, because even though I'm ready to go home, there is still so much I'd like to see here.  Eh, that just means I'll have to come back!  No problem! 

Heh, I did a weird thing on the way back to our room. Someone had ordered room service and had left the tray outside of their door when they were done. I saw some little bottles on the tray and wanted to know what they were, so I snagged one as I passed by. It was a cute little jar of mustard!  I love tiny condiments!  I didn't want to linger and make anyone who saw me think I was eating off of the tray, so I took it with me and now I'm not sure what to do with it. I mean, it's unopened, so I guess I'll take it home?  Is that weird?

Damn, I'm tired. 

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: BONJOUR! EDITION: JUNE 18

EEEEEEEEEE!!!

OK, before I explain that, let me be normal.  Did you know this hotel has very good breakfast?  I mean, there are a lot of hotels that have breakfast in the morning that is just fine, but breakfast here is good in particular.  Also, the children in this place are getting out of hand.  That probably sounds a lot like an anti-child "Get-off-my-lawn" statement, but I promise it isn't. Well behaved kids, or even kids that are just acting like normal kids are fine. The children here are BADLY behaved and no one does anything about it!  Steve got water thrown on him in the lobby, and there are a lot of kids just screaming and running around unsupervised.  I'm glad we didn't have to hang around the hotel much today!

As much as I enjoyed Spain, I'm think I'm enjoying Paris just a bit more.  Mainly it's because every minute of every day hasn't been planned out for us.  We do have things planned for is, but it's all very only-if-you-want-to-go-or-not and I appreciate that.  Today we had a tour bus and a tour guide for a bit, which was nice.  There are lots of things to do in the city, but walking everywhere takes so much time and it's a pain to try to find everything on your own.  The only problem I had today was that as we were being taken around the city in the bus, I got TERRIBLY car sick.  It was bad.  I didn't actually puke, thank goodness, but I had to close my eyes and keep my head down almost the entire ride so I didn't actually see many of the things that we were being shown. I'm such a weenie dog.  Oy.
By the time that we made our first stop, I was feeling a bit better.  We stopped at, well, I don't know what it is called, but a big touristy area between two museums where you could see the Eiffel Tower and take some pictures!

That seems to be a very gloomy photo of a beautiful monument, but we got back on the bus and drove around to the other side of it and this was the view:

Weird.

The tour bus took us into the heart of the city so that we could see Notre Dame.  It was very crowded, and we didn't go in, but it was amazing to see it up close! 

After we left, Anthony, Steve and I went to a restaurant to kill some time.  I had the weirdest experience in the bathroom. (No, not like that!)  I went down to use the facilities and put my coin in  (blast those pay to use toilets!) opened the door, and immediately hit someone on the other side.  Of course, my first reaction was to say "SORRY!" and I let the door close.  Damnit! That was the only coin I had! The door opened and a lady was in there and she said "Oh, it's alright!" and I noticed that it wasn't just a single bathroom, but a small bathroom with two stalls.  OK, then.  She let me in and I went to do the thing, and I thought she'd left, but when I opened the door to the stall, the lady was standing there with her top off! WTF?!  She said "Oh, I'm sorry! I haven't put my shirt back on yet." and I just hid in the stall again until I was sure she was gone.  I literally have no idea what was going on, and I don't want to know, but I hope that doesn't happen again. 

We got back on our bus about an hour later and (dun dun DUUUUUUN) we were taken to the Louvre!  EEEEEEEEEEEE!  I have always wanted to go to the Louvre.  As someone who studied a LOT of art in college, I can't explain how much I had been looking forward to actually being in front of all of the cool stuff I'd only seen in books!  Our tour guide, Oxan, split us up into two groups and we were on our way.  Now, I was thrilled to be inside the Louvre, and I knew that there would be a lot of people in there, but I was not prepared at all at the sheer number of people that we saw inside that day.  I mean, I don't think my hometown has that many people in it.  Holy smokes.  We were shunted from side to side, and had to dodge huge tour groups.  I know that part of the issue was because our tour leader was taking us to see the most famous exhibits there: The Venus de Milo (Aphrodite de Milo, we were told is the correct title), Winged Victory, and the Mona Lisa!  *heavy breathing*

I couldn't get a good picture of the Mona Lisa because people are rude and that one room was packed from one side to the other with people who didn't have any manners.

Y'all, I about peed my pants.  I genuinely don't think you understand how overwhelmed I was to be in the presence of these things. Actually, I was overwhelmed to be in the presence of a lot of what I saw, but I have read and studied and learned about all of this stuff and I never once thought I'd actually get to see any of it in person. I only wish I could have gotten nearer to them, but that was impossible.  My favorite by far was Winged Victory, because seriously, that thing is made of marble. MARBLE! Look at how it flows and folds, and you can see details of the body underneath. Can you imagine the skill it took to carve something so fluid and with so much movement?! You can almost feel the wind that blows the tunic around the figure.  Something about standing right there and looking at such an amazing, ancient creation made fighting the crowds completely worth it. I'd give anything if I could go back sometime when it wasn't so crowded and get my fill of looking, but who knows if that will ever happen.  This was truly a mind blowing experience for me.

I had a very bizarre issue being in the Louvre, though.  I couldn't put my damn phone/camera down.  I was in, arguably, one of the best museums in the world and I kept taking pictures of what I was looking at instead of actually looking at the pictures.  I had to keep making myself put my phone away and then I'd pull it out and take another picture of what I was looking at.  Why was I doing that?!  I can find pictures of the things in there online, I don't need to take pictures, but I did.  I finally decided to just leave my phone in my purse and actually experience what I was seeing, which made the rest of our visit enjoyable.  I did take out my phone and take a few more pictures, but only if I had my absolute fill of looking at the thing first.

 A legit Da Vinci - John the Baptist! 

 Ancient Grumpy Cat

 Really Old Coke Advertisement

THAT GIRL!

We left the main gallery and went to the ancient Egyptian section (that's what I recommended and the people with me either didn't care what else they saw, or likes ancient Egypt as much as I do) and after we walked along a bit more, we left the Louvre and walked out into the city.

By now we were properly hungry and trying to find a place to eat, but we had no idea where we were. At any other time that we'd walked around, we'd be within 20 feet of a cafe, but not here.  There was hardly anything around that wasn't a fancy restaurant, and so the longer we walked, the more people whined about being hungry, and after a few "I don't want to eat theres" everyone else made the decision that we'd go an eat at Five Guys.  I mean...  Look, I'm not a snob, and probably the closest thing that I have to a guilty pleasure is a Five Guys burger and fries, but...we were in freaking Paris.  On the Champs Elysees no less.  I'd have rather found a cafe or something like that, but no, we ate at a Five Guys.  Oy.  Well, at least everyone stopped complaining. I also thought it was kind of funny that on the famous "Most Beautiful Avenue In the World" and in between Tiffany's and Co. Cartier, Louis Vuitton, and things like that, there is a Five Guys.  Ah well, silver lining is that they had proper American style bacon, so who am I to complain?  

We continued our walk to the Place de la Concorde (which is apparently where a bunch of people got guillotined during the French Revolution) to take some pictures.

From there we decided to head back to the hotel and rest a bit.  We were hot and tired, and we'd been on quite an adventure so far that day.  We figured that we'd get back together later on in the evening and try to decide what else to do.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.  We fell asleep!  It was only supposed to be a nap, but the nap raged out of control.  I've woken up for a bit, but I'm going to go back to sleep here soon.  Eh, we still have another whole day in Paris, so I'm not going to complain.  Bonsoir from our boudoir!