I didn't expect to get any answers from my medical tests today, but thankfully they didn't let me leave until they talked to me about what they found.
Everything is OK. When they told me that, I almost cried.
I can't tell you the absolute, pants wetting fear that I've lived through these past weeks. That probably sounds like a bit of an exaggeration, but it is not. Every moment my brain wasn't fully engaged elsewhere (and sometimes when it was) little thoughts would creep in that would scare me to death. Not really understanding much about what I might be facing, all I had was worst case scenario ideas to think of.
OK, so what happened is that I found a lump in my breast. It was sizable and completely new, and I had no idea what kind of thing it could be. I was going to ignore it and hope it would go away, but that seemed kind of stupid and dangerous of a thing to do. I'd had people in my family with breast cancer and to NOT get checked out felt fairly irresponsible. So I went to see a guy (I got a boob guy) hoping he could tell me it was nothing to worry about, but he couldn't tell what it was either. He said he was "pretty sure" it wasn't anything serious, but there were just a few things that kept him from being completely sure, so he sent me to have diagnostic tests done. Today I was scanned and ultrasounded, prodded and poked, and thankfully what they found couldn't be classified as cancerous.
I have been so afraid, you guys. Seriously. I'd been practicing how I'd have to tell people I was sick, and wondering how bad it might get if I was. I was considering what kind of plans I'd have to make and Steve and I had many talks about how we'd handle it if it turned out to be cancer. I know that seems extreme, but when you are potentially staring that in the face, it's not easy to be 100% cool about everything. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.
So thank you for sending me your good vibes and your prayers, and the positive juju magumbo.
My boobs live to fight another day. :)
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING:
1) Have you ever just had everything break on you all at once? That is what seems to be going on with us right now, and it's really frickin frustrating! I mean, things breaking or whatever isn't necessarily a terrible thing when it happens one at a time, but when a bunch of stuff happens at once, even the little small, first world problems that happen, it's like we're cursed! Haha! So to help alleviate some of the frustration, I'm going to find the silver lining for each one if I can.
A) I broke our garage door. Well, I didn't break it myself, but I didn't realize the cable had slipped off of the pully that raises and lowers it. I tried to close it, and the cable tangled in the wheel, the door got partially ripped off of its track, and the little arm that helps guide the center of the door as it lowers got stuck and cracked the door panel down the center. We had to call Steve's dad, one of his dad's engineer friends, and that guy's grandson to come and help us try and fix it. We couldn't fix it and in the process the whole door fell off of our house. We had to zip tie the broken door to the opening to the garage until a repairman could come and get the door rehung on the track. Now we have to get a new door. Silver Lining: Now we go out of our front door more often and the cat gets a lot more attention! The cat enjoys that.
B) The fridge is slowly dying. We have no idea what is going on with the refrigerator, because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, so when we think it isn't working, we will go in there and realize everything is cold. Good deal! Then when we go back, everything is warm. Bad deal! We're having to toss all of the food from the freezer and fridge, which is quite a loss. So. Much. Cheese. Is. Gone. Silver Lining: Right now we aren't eating normal food, and our "food" such as it is, doesn't need to be refrigerated to stay good. Losing all of the food is bad, but we can't eat it anyway, so now we get to start with a clean slate when we get to eat again in May! We also have an old fridge in the garage where we had some of our frozen food, so it isn't a complete loss.
C) There are lots of other, little things. One of our outside doors has a problem with the knob that makes it hard to close, one of our windows needs to be replaced, a piece of our siding got blown off in a storm, and since we have had so much rain, we can't put a ladder in our yard at this point to fix it because the ground is too soft. The hot water line for our washing machine has a leak, the newel post on the steps to the stoop has broken, and the ice we had in January caused a break in our driveway. Silver Lining: None of that really matters in the long run. I mean, yeah, it's annoying, but it's all fixable! Do we look like the white trash residence in our neighborhood? Probably, haha, but we'll get it all fixed at some point!
2) Ok, so I'm going in for my medical tests tomorrow morning and I'd like to ask again for good vibes. It's probably nothing. I hope so anyway. I'm a little nervous, but I can handle anything that comes my way if I have to! I mean, I don't want to have to handle this kind of thing, but if I have to, I can.
But I don't want to have to. That's all I'm saying. I really don't.
3) Wow, this has been a fairly negative Nellie kind of post! Sorry about that! I'm not particularly angry or anything, I guess that stuff has been on my mind recently. Good stuff has happened, I promise! The weather is nice today. We saw Black Panther last night, and it was a good movie. I'm learning to shoot a handgun, so if you need a bodyguard, I'll be available as soon as I know what I'm doing. I got some new running shoes and I'm going to get the first solid food I've had in over a month tonight! So things are fine. Sorry if I sound unpleasant. I don't mean to, I promise!
A) I broke our garage door. Well, I didn't break it myself, but I didn't realize the cable had slipped off of the pully that raises and lowers it. I tried to close it, and the cable tangled in the wheel, the door got partially ripped off of its track, and the little arm that helps guide the center of the door as it lowers got stuck and cracked the door panel down the center. We had to call Steve's dad, one of his dad's engineer friends, and that guy's grandson to come and help us try and fix it. We couldn't fix it and in the process the whole door fell off of our house. We had to zip tie the broken door to the opening to the garage until a repairman could come and get the door rehung on the track. Now we have to get a new door. Silver Lining: Now we go out of our front door more often and the cat gets a lot more attention! The cat enjoys that.
B) The fridge is slowly dying. We have no idea what is going on with the refrigerator, because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, so when we think it isn't working, we will go in there and realize everything is cold. Good deal! Then when we go back, everything is warm. Bad deal! We're having to toss all of the food from the freezer and fridge, which is quite a loss. So. Much. Cheese. Is. Gone. Silver Lining: Right now we aren't eating normal food, and our "food" such as it is, doesn't need to be refrigerated to stay good. Losing all of the food is bad, but we can't eat it anyway, so now we get to start with a clean slate when we get to eat again in May! We also have an old fridge in the garage where we had some of our frozen food, so it isn't a complete loss.
C) There are lots of other, little things. One of our outside doors has a problem with the knob that makes it hard to close, one of our windows needs to be replaced, a piece of our siding got blown off in a storm, and since we have had so much rain, we can't put a ladder in our yard at this point to fix it because the ground is too soft. The hot water line for our washing machine has a leak, the newel post on the steps to the stoop has broken, and the ice we had in January caused a break in our driveway. Silver Lining: None of that really matters in the long run. I mean, yeah, it's annoying, but it's all fixable! Do we look like the white trash residence in our neighborhood? Probably, haha, but we'll get it all fixed at some point!
2) Ok, so I'm going in for my medical tests tomorrow morning and I'd like to ask again for good vibes. It's probably nothing. I hope so anyway. I'm a little nervous, but I can handle anything that comes my way if I have to! I mean, I don't want to have to handle this kind of thing, but if I have to, I can.
But I don't want to have to. That's all I'm saying. I really don't.
3) Wow, this has been a fairly negative Nellie kind of post! Sorry about that! I'm not particularly angry or anything, I guess that stuff has been on my mind recently. Good stuff has happened, I promise! The weather is nice today. We saw Black Panther last night, and it was a good movie. I'm learning to shoot a handgun, so if you need a bodyguard, I'll be available as soon as I know what I'm doing. I got some new running shoes and I'm going to get the first solid food I've had in over a month tonight! So things are fine. Sorry if I sound unpleasant. I don't mean to, I promise!
Thursday, February 15, 2018
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
I am officially 40!
I know, I sound very excited about it, don't I?
I actually had a very nice birthday, I really did! I got to talk to, or at least I heard from (by FB messages/a fun video/flowers), all of my favorite people in the world, a nice lady at my church brought me tea, and the choir sang Happy Birthday to me after church last night. I didn't know what to do with my face the whole time, but still, it was nice.
The only dark spot on the day was having to sit across the table from my father in law, who was eating a burger and fries, while all I had was decaf coffee, but as that is no one's fault but my own, I can't be too upset about it. :)
Anyway, I hope the rest of my 40s will be as nice as my first day of being in the club.
Thank you so much!
PS: What the hell is the point of decaf coffee? I mean, I like coffee, but DECAF? There is no point to it. At all. Thank you and good day.
via GIPHY
I know, I sound very excited about it, don't I?
I actually had a very nice birthday, I really did! I got to talk to, or at least I heard from (by FB messages/a fun video/flowers), all of my favorite people in the world, a nice lady at my church brought me tea, and the choir sang Happy Birthday to me after church last night. I didn't know what to do with my face the whole time, but still, it was nice.
The only dark spot on the day was having to sit across the table from my father in law, who was eating a burger and fries, while all I had was decaf coffee, but as that is no one's fault but my own, I can't be too upset about it. :)
Anyway, I hope the rest of my 40s will be as nice as my first day of being in the club.
Thank you so much!
PS: What the hell is the point of decaf coffee? I mean, I like coffee, but DECAF? There is no point to it. At all. Thank you and good day.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
AN ADDENDUM
Ok, so the doctor is sending me for some routine tests next week, so I should know something by that point. Yay? I’m going to spend the next week doing everything I can to not worry about it, because that is not how I want to live my life! Anyone want to help? Haha
So...there we go. I don’t know any more than I did earlier, but I’m sure everything will be ok.
So...there we go. I don’t know any more than I did earlier, but I’m sure everything will be ok.
I AM SCHRODINGER'S CAT
You know, I wasn't going to write about this. I told myself that it would be better if I just waited to see how things turned out first, because I might not have to write anything at all, you know? That talking about something personal, even on my own blog, might make people kind of uncomfortable. I mean, I know that the majority of the people who read this are my friends, but still, why talk about anything before I know, right?
However, my current anxiety levels are about as maxed out as possible in my current medicated state, so I'm going to throw this out into the universe because I need to. I'm going to be purposefully vague. Not because I want people to guess or ask questions, but because I haven't gotten to the point where I can comfortably talk about it straightforwardly, even in theory.
Last week I became aware of a possible heath situation. I say possible, because what I noticed could be nothing. It could also be a Bad Thing, maybe even a Really Bad Thing, and of course when faced with a potential Really Bad Thing, it's hard not to worry about it. I was hoping it would go away, but it didn't, so I had to make an appointment with a specialist to see what is up. They couldn't see me until this afternoon, so I've been a little freaked out for about a week now. I've tried not to think about it, and to do stuff to take my mind off of it, but it's not an easy thing to do all the time.
See, if the Thing is nothing (and there are many types of nothing it can be) then I'm good. If it's a Bad Thing, even just a little Bad Thing, then all kinds of things will go to hell. I would be sick. Not just sick, but Sick. I've pretty much gone through the scenario in my head already, and so many things would change and I'm not on board with that. At all. My biggest fear is that people would be uncomfortable and wouldn't know how to talk to me and I'd be avoided right when I needed them the most, or that they'd start seeing me as a "Sick Person" instead of just seeing me as me. I'm aware that real friends don't do those kinds of things, but it is a fear I have, OK?!
I know that I should be positive and believe that until I know for sure what is going on I shouldn't worry. I know that. However, right now it feels too uncertain. I very much don't want to be sick. I am scared.
Maybe it really will turn out to be nothing and all of this worrying is supremely silly and all of you can point and laugh and thing "Wow, she sure gets worked up about nothing, doesn't she?." I certainly hope so. I'll let you know one way or the other.
So, if you have a minute today, could you please put some good vibes out there for me? I would appreciate it.
However, my current anxiety levels are about as maxed out as possible in my current medicated state, so I'm going to throw this out into the universe because I need to. I'm going to be purposefully vague. Not because I want people to guess or ask questions, but because I haven't gotten to the point where I can comfortably talk about it straightforwardly, even in theory.
Last week I became aware of a possible heath situation. I say possible, because what I noticed could be nothing. It could also be a Bad Thing, maybe even a Really Bad Thing, and of course when faced with a potential Really Bad Thing, it's hard not to worry about it. I was hoping it would go away, but it didn't, so I had to make an appointment with a specialist to see what is up. They couldn't see me until this afternoon, so I've been a little freaked out for about a week now. I've tried not to think about it, and to do stuff to take my mind off of it, but it's not an easy thing to do all the time.
See, if the Thing is nothing (and there are many types of nothing it can be) then I'm good. If it's a Bad Thing, even just a little Bad Thing, then all kinds of things will go to hell. I would be sick. Not just sick, but Sick. I've pretty much gone through the scenario in my head already, and so many things would change and I'm not on board with that. At all. My biggest fear is that people would be uncomfortable and wouldn't know how to talk to me and I'd be avoided right when I needed them the most, or that they'd start seeing me as a "Sick Person" instead of just seeing me as me. I'm aware that real friends don't do those kinds of things, but it is a fear I have, OK?!
I know that I should be positive and believe that until I know for sure what is going on I shouldn't worry. I know that. However, right now it feels too uncertain. I very much don't want to be sick. I am scared.
Maybe it really will turn out to be nothing and all of this worrying is supremely silly and all of you can point and laugh and thing "Wow, she sure gets worked up about nothing, doesn't she?." I certainly hope so. I'll let you know one way or the other.
So, if you have a minute today, could you please put some good vibes out there for me? I would appreciate it.
Friday, February 02, 2018
OY: A QUICKY
I don’t know what it is about being on an elliptical machine, but it makes me think of things, remember things, and figure out answers to problems that I didn’t even know I had. I guess it’s the repetitive motion and me trying to ignore how bored I’m getting.
Anyways, today I was on the machine, and I started thinking about when I went to Ireland in 2016. The first day we were there, circumstances happened wherein we didn’t get to eat for many, many hours because of our schedule. We also couldn’t get any cash to buy food from the hotel vending machines because the closest ATM was out of order. It sucked and was very frustrating, as you’d imagine. That first night, we went out to a pub in Dublin with some of the other band members, but after a drink or two, Steve and I decided to go back to our hotel because we were hungry and tired.
On the way out, we saw a grocery store and walked around in it for a few minutes to see what it was like before we headed back to sit in our room, hungry and exhausted.
It didn’t occur to me until today, almost two years later, that we went to a grocery store and for some reason didn’t buy anything. We were in a store that sold food, we were hungry, yet we didn’t buy food!
I blame being tired, but man, that was stupid.
Monday, January 29, 2018
ZERO TO SIXTY IN SIXTEEN WEEKS...ALLEGEDLY
I mentioned a while back that Steve and I were going to undertake a new weight loss program through one of our local hospitals. I also said that I would try not to talk about it that much. However, as it seems to be the thing that is currently taking over every aspect of my life right now, I'm going to talk about it today.
(Don't worry, I've already got someone on stand by to tell me to shut up if I talk about it too much! Haha!)
OK, so...
Almost three weeks ago, Steve and I went to our orientation meeting to learn about the program, receive our first batch of "food" (yes, that's in quotes, and I'll explain in a minute) and talk to the nurses, dietitian, and behaviorist to find out what is expected of us. Every single person we talked to is very enthusiastic about the program and how successful it is, so that was nice. We were given folders, lessons, appointments to see the different health professionals, and a month-long membership to the hospital's gym. (We already have a membership to that gym, although we haven't been in a while, but don't tell them that!) The program doesn't have a snazzy name. I don't know if it has a proper name at all, actually, unless you want to call it what I've referred to it as: Optifast800: Hell in a Juice Box.
So how does it work? Well, The very first, and apparently most important rule of the program is that for 16 weeks we are not allowed to eat. What's that you say? We aren't allowed to eat? That is crazy! Well, yes. Yes it is. But, that is, hand to God, the first thing that they told us. We are not allowed to eat anything.
Stop looking at me like that. I swear, it's the truth.
The dietitian said that to begin the process of losing weight, our digestive tracts needed to heal. Heal from what? Did someone tell him I'd been eating broken glass and staples again? I dunno, but food - and by that I mean solid, you-can-chew-it-food, is tearing us apart. I guess. Again, I don't know, because that part wasn't explained well, but we got the gist. No eating is allowed.
Well...shit. Ok, then.
What we are allowed to have is a series of liquid meals that either come already mixed in juice box form, or that come in a powder that we have to mix with water. We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavored shakes, and pouches of powdered soup (because we need sodium) that are either vegetable, chicken, or tomato flavored. The shakes kind of taste like watery protein drinks and the soup tastes kind of like the pouches that come with ramen noodles, only thicker (except for the tomato soup, which is horrible and indescribable except by facial expression and grunts of disgust.) I'm not going to lie, none of it is very good, but it's balanced and portioned out depending on our situation and how much weight we need to lose. I get a total of 5 of these things a day. Eventually we will graduate to replacing one of our shakes with a meal replacement bar. I'm not sure I'm going to remember how to chew! We can season our food with anything 10 calories or less, so we've learned to get creative. We can also have sugar free Jell-O for a treat. Whee. At any rate, all of this is so we can reset ourselves (?) and lose the weight that we need to lose. It was decided by the doctor that I need to lose 60 pounds. Honestly, I thought he'd tell me to lose more, so... silver lining!
So I haven't had solid food, except random sesame seeds that happen to be in spice mixes that we're allowed to use in our soup, in three weeks. I have not cheated on the program, even though I've been tempted! Unfortunately I haven't lost much weight at all. I have yelled at Steve twice. Not because I was mad at him, or because any of this is his fault, but because I'm having a hard time adjusting and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is. I mean, I only have 3 things I enjoy these days and eating was one of them, now I don't have that, and I'm down to two of them! It's frustrating! Steve is very sanguine about everything and he's doing very well with all of this and has thus far lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I want to hit him with a shoe. Again, not his fault. Ok, maybe a little his fault! ; )
We have to attend weekly meetings, kind of like AA (we aren't supposed to talk about anyone else in the program or what they say) and I was worried that it would be an all evening thing, but luckily I get to come home at 5:30 or so afterwards, so that was a relief. I've already had my first meeting with the behaviorist, and he seems like a pretty solid guy. I assume at some point I'll be in his office crying about something and have a breakthrough about why I like to eat so much. Who knows? I'll have to see either him, a nurse, or a doctor once a week from now until May. I'll also have to have blood work every two weeks until a point in this program where they deem it unnecessary, but I don't know when that is!
This week we start working with a personal trainer, and hopefully she will be able to help me know what I need to do physically not just to lose weight, but to help my body be healthier. I also told her I want to get to a point where I can run for funzies, so...we'll see how that goes. She seems to think I can do it, so why not?
There is a part of me that really isn't sure I'll make it all the way through, much less lose 60 pounds, but I really want to succeed. Not just to lose the weight, but to stick to something that is very difficult. I'm not generally a quitter, but damn, this program is tough! I also want to make sure I don't do anything to deter Steve from succeeding, and I know me doing this along with him is very helpful.
I'm currently making a kind of video diary of the process, so if I keep up with that, one day in the distant future, I'll show you how much "Fun" I've been having during all of this! All I can ask is that you keep your fingers crossed for me, and maybe say a prayer for Steve! Haha!
God, I'm hungry.
(Don't worry, I've already got someone on stand by to tell me to shut up if I talk about it too much! Haha!)
OK, so...
Almost three weeks ago, Steve and I went to our orientation meeting to learn about the program, receive our first batch of "food" (yes, that's in quotes, and I'll explain in a minute) and talk to the nurses, dietitian, and behaviorist to find out what is expected of us. Every single person we talked to is very enthusiastic about the program and how successful it is, so that was nice. We were given folders, lessons, appointments to see the different health professionals, and a month-long membership to the hospital's gym. (We already have a membership to that gym, although we haven't been in a while, but don't tell them that!) The program doesn't have a snazzy name. I don't know if it has a proper name at all, actually, unless you want to call it what I've referred to it as: Optifast800: Hell in a Juice Box.
So how does it work? Well, The very first, and apparently most important rule of the program is that for 16 weeks we are not allowed to eat. What's that you say? We aren't allowed to eat? That is crazy! Well, yes. Yes it is. But, that is, hand to God, the first thing that they told us. We are not allowed to eat anything.
Stop looking at me like that. I swear, it's the truth.
The dietitian said that to begin the process of losing weight, our digestive tracts needed to heal. Heal from what? Did someone tell him I'd been eating broken glass and staples again? I dunno, but food - and by that I mean solid, you-can-chew-it-food, is tearing us apart. I guess. Again, I don't know, because that part wasn't explained well, but we got the gist. No eating is allowed.
Well...shit. Ok, then.
What we are allowed to have is a series of liquid meals that either come already mixed in juice box form, or that come in a powder that we have to mix with water. We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavored shakes, and pouches of powdered soup (because we need sodium) that are either vegetable, chicken, or tomato flavored. The shakes kind of taste like watery protein drinks and the soup tastes kind of like the pouches that come with ramen noodles, only thicker (except for the tomato soup, which is horrible and indescribable except by facial expression and grunts of disgust.) I'm not going to lie, none of it is very good, but it's balanced and portioned out depending on our situation and how much weight we need to lose. I get a total of 5 of these things a day. Eventually we will graduate to replacing one of our shakes with a meal replacement bar. I'm not sure I'm going to remember how to chew! We can season our food with anything 10 calories or less, so we've learned to get creative. We can also have sugar free Jell-O for a treat. Whee. At any rate, all of this is so we can reset ourselves (?) and lose the weight that we need to lose. It was decided by the doctor that I need to lose 60 pounds. Honestly, I thought he'd tell me to lose more, so... silver lining!
So I haven't had solid food, except random sesame seeds that happen to be in spice mixes that we're allowed to use in our soup, in three weeks. I have not cheated on the program, even though I've been tempted! Unfortunately I haven't lost much weight at all. I have yelled at Steve twice. Not because I was mad at him, or because any of this is his fault, but because I'm having a hard time adjusting and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is. I mean, I only have 3 things I enjoy these days and eating was one of them, now I don't have that, and I'm down to two of them! It's frustrating! Steve is very sanguine about everything and he's doing very well with all of this and has thus far lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I want to hit him with a shoe. Again, not his fault. Ok, maybe a little his fault! ; )
We have to attend weekly meetings, kind of like AA (we aren't supposed to talk about anyone else in the program or what they say) and I was worried that it would be an all evening thing, but luckily I get to come home at 5:30 or so afterwards, so that was a relief. I've already had my first meeting with the behaviorist, and he seems like a pretty solid guy. I assume at some point I'll be in his office crying about something and have a breakthrough about why I like to eat so much. Who knows? I'll have to see either him, a nurse, or a doctor once a week from now until May. I'll also have to have blood work every two weeks until a point in this program where they deem it unnecessary, but I don't know when that is!
This week we start working with a personal trainer, and hopefully she will be able to help me know what I need to do physically not just to lose weight, but to help my body be healthier. I also told her I want to get to a point where I can run for funzies, so...we'll see how that goes. She seems to think I can do it, so why not?
There is a part of me that really isn't sure I'll make it all the way through, much less lose 60 pounds, but I really want to succeed. Not just to lose the weight, but to stick to something that is very difficult. I'm not generally a quitter, but damn, this program is tough! I also want to make sure I don't do anything to deter Steve from succeeding, and I know me doing this along with him is very helpful.
I'm currently making a kind of video diary of the process, so if I keep up with that, one day in the distant future, I'll show you how much "Fun" I've been having during all of this! All I can ask is that you keep your fingers crossed for me, and maybe say a prayer for Steve! Haha!
God, I'm hungry.
Monday, January 22, 2018
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING
1) You guys, I got my hair cut the other day. It was going to have to be a pretty drastic change, and when I was talking about it I swore that I'd go to a legit salon and get it done. I got as far as trying to call the salon I wanted to go to only to find out that it had closed down. BOO!
As you know, I have too much anxiety about getting haircuts to be able to make an appointment several days out. If I think about it too much, I will overthink it and get too nervous to go. So I usually just go to a place that is walk-in friendly. That sometimes means that it isn't always staffed with the most skilled of stylists, but what are you going to do? I didn't really want to get it cut. I liked having long hair! However, a weird health issue caused my hair to freak out, so a lot of it had to go.
I don't have a horror story about the haircut this time, amazingly enough. My hair looks OK. It's not great, but I don't hate it. The damaged part is gone at least, so it looks less fried, even if it is a little Dorothy Hamill-esque. The funniest thing is that the men around me think I'm very sensitive about my hair, and would be mad if they didn't notice. Granted, I didn't say anything to Steve just to see how long it would take him to realize, but he is notoriously inattentive to stuff like that. My boss and coworker, though, have made a point to mention that they've noticed, I guess in case I start crying about it or something.
Y'all, if I ever genuinely become the kind of person that cares so much about the way I look that I'd get mad at random men in my life for not noticing if my hair is shorter, I'm going to need someone to come and slap me around a little and help me gain some perspective, OK? I'm giving permission.
2) I have been kind of haunted for the last few days thinking about those poor people in Hawaii who thought they were about to be bombed off the face of the world. Steve's bosses (lovely, kind people) were vacationing out there when the false alert was sent and he told me that they called their kids to say goodbye and just went out to sit on the beach and wait for it to happen. HOW AWFUL IS THAT?! It's bad enough that they thought they were about to die, but to go outside and wait for it to happen feels like the most helpless, and freaking brave if I am going to be honest, thing I've ever heard. Also, how did their kids feel? To think that was the last time they'd get to talk to their parents? I'm sure it's nice that they got to say goodbye, but still.
It made me wonder what I would do if I were in that situation. I suppose we never know what we'd do until we are put into a specific position, but I'd want to send messages to my friends and family to say goodbye and that I loved them. In what is probably not a very mentally healthy exercise, I've been internally composing what I'd say to the people who mean the most to me. I wonder if I'd be embarrassed if I sent those messages and didn't die. I mean, there are some things you might not say out of decorum or societal rules or whatever, so what would happen if you said something you thought was your final words and then you had to face that person again? On one hand, you'd want to tell them what you had to tell them in case you didn't get another chance. On the other hand, some things can't be unsaid and might make things weird. Ugh, I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it!
It also made me wonder who'd send me a message. I wonder who'd remember me enough to say goodbye if they had just a little while left to live? I might not want to know, though, because it might not be anyone! Bleh, the whole thing is awful. I'm glad it didn't actually happen.
3) I've already told some of you this, but I'm going to tell you again because I'm still mad about it!
A week ago, as I was leaving church, a lady stopped me and said that she needed to show me something. Apparently, there is a woman in our church (a mentally challenged woman) who had been making a habit out of picking her nose and wiping what she found onto one of our church's pew bibles. GROSS! Beyond the pale gross! She said that I needed to get rid of the offending bible. Why? Because I'm the secretary, that's why. My job description says I have to do duties as assigned, and I suppose that picking up soiled bibles is a duty as assigned. I was so disgusted.
Of course I didn't have any gloves (because you bet your ass I'd be triple gloved and in a HAZMAT suit if I had them at my disposal) so I had to suffice with a handful of tissues to guard myself and I had to pick of the bible and figure out what to do with it. Now, I know that a bible is just a book, printed pages and ink, and we have a lot of them so if I had to get rid of one it wouldn't be a big deal. However, I just don't feel comfortable throwing away a bible. I know it's irrational, but that is just how I feel about it. So I had to find a place to hide the booger-infested bible in hopes that it wouldn't be noticed. Now I just have to hope no one finds it and flips through it.
Why is this my job? I have a college education for Pete's sake! Mucus was NOT IN MY CONTRACT!
4) We've started on the weight loss program I talked about in an earlier entry, and so far I hate every minute of it. I'm hungry, grumpy, sleepy, cold, and I feel like I'd give just about anything at this point to have solid food. I'm going to write more about it later, because thus far it's been quite the experience and it's a lot to unpick. It's not the adventure I was hoping to take first thing this year, but it's the adventure that fell into my lap. Stay tuned.
As you know, I have too much anxiety about getting haircuts to be able to make an appointment several days out. If I think about it too much, I will overthink it and get too nervous to go. So I usually just go to a place that is walk-in friendly. That sometimes means that it isn't always staffed with the most skilled of stylists, but what are you going to do? I didn't really want to get it cut. I liked having long hair! However, a weird health issue caused my hair to freak out, so a lot of it had to go.
I don't have a horror story about the haircut this time, amazingly enough. My hair looks OK. It's not great, but I don't hate it. The damaged part is gone at least, so it looks less fried, even if it is a little Dorothy Hamill-esque. The funniest thing is that the men around me think I'm very sensitive about my hair, and would be mad if they didn't notice. Granted, I didn't say anything to Steve just to see how long it would take him to realize, but he is notoriously inattentive to stuff like that. My boss and coworker, though, have made a point to mention that they've noticed, I guess in case I start crying about it or something.
Y'all, if I ever genuinely become the kind of person that cares so much about the way I look that I'd get mad at random men in my life for not noticing if my hair is shorter, I'm going to need someone to come and slap me around a little and help me gain some perspective, OK? I'm giving permission.
2) I have been kind of haunted for the last few days thinking about those poor people in Hawaii who thought they were about to be bombed off the face of the world. Steve's bosses (lovely, kind people) were vacationing out there when the false alert was sent and he told me that they called their kids to say goodbye and just went out to sit on the beach and wait for it to happen. HOW AWFUL IS THAT?! It's bad enough that they thought they were about to die, but to go outside and wait for it to happen feels like the most helpless, and freaking brave if I am going to be honest, thing I've ever heard. Also, how did their kids feel? To think that was the last time they'd get to talk to their parents? I'm sure it's nice that they got to say goodbye, but still.
It made me wonder what I would do if I were in that situation. I suppose we never know what we'd do until we are put into a specific position, but I'd want to send messages to my friends and family to say goodbye and that I loved them. In what is probably not a very mentally healthy exercise, I've been internally composing what I'd say to the people who mean the most to me. I wonder if I'd be embarrassed if I sent those messages and didn't die. I mean, there are some things you might not say out of decorum or societal rules or whatever, so what would happen if you said something you thought was your final words and then you had to face that person again? On one hand, you'd want to tell them what you had to tell them in case you didn't get another chance. On the other hand, some things can't be unsaid and might make things weird. Ugh, I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it!
It also made me wonder who'd send me a message. I wonder who'd remember me enough to say goodbye if they had just a little while left to live? I might not want to know, though, because it might not be anyone! Bleh, the whole thing is awful. I'm glad it didn't actually happen.
3) I've already told some of you this, but I'm going to tell you again because I'm still mad about it!
A week ago, as I was leaving church, a lady stopped me and said that she needed to show me something. Apparently, there is a woman in our church (a mentally challenged woman) who had been making a habit out of picking her nose and wiping what she found onto one of our church's pew bibles. GROSS! Beyond the pale gross! She said that I needed to get rid of the offending bible. Why? Because I'm the secretary, that's why. My job description says I have to do duties as assigned, and I suppose that picking up soiled bibles is a duty as assigned. I was so disgusted.
Of course I didn't have any gloves (because you bet your ass I'd be triple gloved and in a HAZMAT suit if I had them at my disposal) so I had to suffice with a handful of tissues to guard myself and I had to pick of the bible and figure out what to do with it. Now, I know that a bible is just a book, printed pages and ink, and we have a lot of them so if I had to get rid of one it wouldn't be a big deal. However, I just don't feel comfortable throwing away a bible. I know it's irrational, but that is just how I feel about it. So I had to find a place to hide the booger-infested bible in hopes that it wouldn't be noticed. Now I just have to hope no one finds it and flips through it.
Why is this my job? I have a college education for Pete's sake! Mucus was NOT IN MY CONTRACT!
4) We've started on the weight loss program I talked about in an earlier entry, and so far I hate every minute of it. I'm hungry, grumpy, sleepy, cold, and I feel like I'd give just about anything at this point to have solid food. I'm going to write more about it later, because thus far it's been quite the experience and it's a lot to unpick. It's not the adventure I was hoping to take first thing this year, but it's the adventure that fell into my lap. Stay tuned.
Monday, January 01, 2018
HAPPY NEW YEAR
It’s January 1st and the first day of 2018! Aren’t you excited?
Ok, well..then aren’t you glad to be alive?
Eh...ok, look, whatever, I’m glad you’re alive and that should count for something.
Thus far my new year has consisted of sleeping late, eating breakfast for lunch and being in my pajamas for an inappropriate amount of time, but what do you want from me? I had a day off and it is freaking cold, so I’m not going to apologize.
As usual, I’m not going to make any resolutions. I probably should, but I’m not good at that sort of thing. Besides, if I fail, I’d feel terrible, so I have more of a “New Year’s Vague Hopes For the Future” thing in mind anyway.
I do know that, while not a resolution exactly, I hope to enjoy myself as much as possible and hopefully take a few of you lovely people along for the ride. Life is short, after all. Tell me what you have in mind and let’s go on a few adventures.
So come on...take my hand and let’s see what is out there. My treat!
Ok, well..then aren’t you glad to be alive?
Eh...ok, look, whatever, I’m glad you’re alive and that should count for something.
Thus far my new year has consisted of sleeping late, eating breakfast for lunch and being in my pajamas for an inappropriate amount of time, but what do you want from me? I had a day off and it is freaking cold, so I’m not going to apologize.
As usual, I’m not going to make any resolutions. I probably should, but I’m not good at that sort of thing. Besides, if I fail, I’d feel terrible, so I have more of a “New Year’s Vague Hopes For the Future” thing in mind anyway.
I do know that, while not a resolution exactly, I hope to enjoy myself as much as possible and hopefully take a few of you lovely people along for the ride. Life is short, after all. Tell me what you have in mind and let’s go on a few adventures.
So come on...take my hand and let’s see what is out there. My treat!
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING
1) You guys, this is getting stupid. I tried to get into the wrong car AGAIN this morning. I was leaving the hospital after picking up some paper work, had finally managed to find the parking lot level where I left my car, and decided to put the papers in the trunk. I kept hitting the trunk button and wondering why it wasn't opening. I stood there longer than I'd like to admit before I realized I was behind a Toyota and not a VW. To add insult to injury, the trunk of my car did open when I hit the button, and so my car was sitting there all alone with it's mouth open while I was standing behind and silently cursing someone elses vehicle for not opening. That is some security footage that I'd like to have erased.
Every since the last time this happened (ahem, shut up) I've been looking to make sure that I see the VW emblem on the back of the car before I try to get in. Not only that, but I put a Psych sticker on the back to make SURE that I'm getting into the right car. However, I realized after today, all I've been doing is making sure that the car has a shiny emblem on it, not specifically looking for a VW emblem. What is wrong with me?! I'm going to accidentally get into the wrong car some day and get arrested for auto theft. I can't go to jail! I'm too cute for jail!
2) Starting sometime in January, I am going to start a weight loss program through the local hospital. It's not a surgical thing, but it is a very intense, very specialized program that will take into consideration the medication that I'm on. I'll have to have medical tests, blood tests, I have to see a dietician and a behaviorist (? That doesn't sound right, but it's something like that.) and I have to go to meetings, work with a trainer and all that jazz. It's a program that is more suited for people with much more severe weight issues than I have, but I figure that if I'm having this much trouble controlling my weight, I need some kind of help. Steve is going to do it with me, so hopefully by the summer we will see some results. I'll never be a supermodel, and I wouldn't want to be, but maybe I'll be more comfortable in my own skin! That happens rarely these days! I mean, I have my moments, but it hasn't happened much recently. ;)
At any rate, if you notice that I'm angry a lot starting in January, it's probably because I haven't had chocolate in a while. I'll try not to talk about it too much, but I have a feeling I'll need to vent occasionally. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
3) OK, so our heater had to be turned off last week because of a crack in our heat exchange. Apparently that would have caused a small carbon monoxide leak (that could explain SO many things, y'all!) and we could have died. We didn't though, so, you know...yay!
It's kind of weird, though. We had no idea that it was time for our winter HVAC evaluation, so when they called and said they were sending someone over to look at the heater, I said that it was fine. He only had to look for a second before he realized that we were in some trouble. I think someone was looking out for us. Anyway, he said we'd need to either repair the unit we have, or buy a whole new one. Yeah...that's expensive, so we called a guy who does HVAC for our church and he quoted us a lot less to fix it, so we're going to do that. He had to order some parts, so I hope that they come in very soon!
We have been very cold in the house, though. You know, I don't think I've ever fully appreciated having central heating before. It has been about 54-56 degrees inside, and we have to wear coats and shoes and cover up with blankets when we are watching TV. We have to wear pants. PANTS, y'all! It's been tolerable, although not pleasant. Steve thinks it's like camping, but I think he's nuts. The worst part is the bathroom. A freezing cold toilet is no fun and taking a shower in a cold bathroom is also unpleasant. Also, trying to put in contact lenses that have been soaking in cold liquid is a special kind of hell, but a hell I can live with! My makeup doesn't behave the way it should, because some of the stuff that is supposed to be liquid has solidified, and some of the stuff that is solid has become difficult to use. I find myself feeling very pitiful at times, but I have to remind myself that there are people who don't have central heat, so really, I'm just being a big weenie about it. It's cold, but I'm still inside. I have a house and electricity, I just don't have heat. I need to MAN THE FECK UP! I do try and remind myself all of those things, but it's not easy when you are a spoiled white girl, you know.
4) As I'm sure you know, we had a rather important election here yesterday. During campaigning, the rest of the country took the opportunity to run down the state of Alabama and judge it according to the most base stereotypes. I found myself having to defend our state to a lot of strangers online, but my friend, the Very Reverend Kenny Smith (not the basketball player) did a much better job than I ever could. You should read his Twitter thread about it.
Every since the last time this happened (ahem, shut up) I've been looking to make sure that I see the VW emblem on the back of the car before I try to get in. Not only that, but I put a Psych sticker on the back to make SURE that I'm getting into the right car. However, I realized after today, all I've been doing is making sure that the car has a shiny emblem on it, not specifically looking for a VW emblem. What is wrong with me?! I'm going to accidentally get into the wrong car some day and get arrested for auto theft. I can't go to jail! I'm too cute for jail!
2) Starting sometime in January, I am going to start a weight loss program through the local hospital. It's not a surgical thing, but it is a very intense, very specialized program that will take into consideration the medication that I'm on. I'll have to have medical tests, blood tests, I have to see a dietician and a behaviorist (? That doesn't sound right, but it's something like that.) and I have to go to meetings, work with a trainer and all that jazz. It's a program that is more suited for people with much more severe weight issues than I have, but I figure that if I'm having this much trouble controlling my weight, I need some kind of help. Steve is going to do it with me, so hopefully by the summer we will see some results. I'll never be a supermodel, and I wouldn't want to be, but maybe I'll be more comfortable in my own skin! That happens rarely these days! I mean, I have my moments, but it hasn't happened much recently. ;)
At any rate, if you notice that I'm angry a lot starting in January, it's probably because I haven't had chocolate in a while. I'll try not to talk about it too much, but I have a feeling I'll need to vent occasionally. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
3) OK, so our heater had to be turned off last week because of a crack in our heat exchange. Apparently that would have caused a small carbon monoxide leak (that could explain SO many things, y'all!) and we could have died. We didn't though, so, you know...yay!
It's kind of weird, though. We had no idea that it was time for our winter HVAC evaluation, so when they called and said they were sending someone over to look at the heater, I said that it was fine. He only had to look for a second before he realized that we were in some trouble. I think someone was looking out for us. Anyway, he said we'd need to either repair the unit we have, or buy a whole new one. Yeah...that's expensive, so we called a guy who does HVAC for our church and he quoted us a lot less to fix it, so we're going to do that. He had to order some parts, so I hope that they come in very soon!
We have been very cold in the house, though. You know, I don't think I've ever fully appreciated having central heating before. It has been about 54-56 degrees inside, and we have to wear coats and shoes and cover up with blankets when we are watching TV. We have to wear pants. PANTS, y'all! It's been tolerable, although not pleasant. Steve thinks it's like camping, but I think he's nuts. The worst part is the bathroom. A freezing cold toilet is no fun and taking a shower in a cold bathroom is also unpleasant. Also, trying to put in contact lenses that have been soaking in cold liquid is a special kind of hell, but a hell I can live with! My makeup doesn't behave the way it should, because some of the stuff that is supposed to be liquid has solidified, and some of the stuff that is solid has become difficult to use. I find myself feeling very pitiful at times, but I have to remind myself that there are people who don't have central heat, so really, I'm just being a big weenie about it. It's cold, but I'm still inside. I have a house and electricity, I just don't have heat. I need to MAN THE FECK UP! I do try and remind myself all of those things, but it's not easy when you are a spoiled white girl, you know.
4) As I'm sure you know, we had a rather important election here yesterday. During campaigning, the rest of the country took the opportunity to run down the state of Alabama and judge it according to the most base stereotypes. I found myself having to defend our state to a lot of strangers online, but my friend, the Very Reverend Kenny Smith (not the basketball player) did a much better job than I ever could. You should read his Twitter thread about it.
Friday, December 01, 2017
AN ADDENDUM
OK, I Have been considering something that I wrote earlier and feel like I need to clarify my statement. I was being irresponsible and I want to explain myself in case someone who doesn’t know me stumbles upon my tiny little blog and takes what I said the wrong way.
I have been telling you guys about the medicine I’m on for my panic attacks, and how I don’t like it. I don’t like it, but the thing is, I need it. I need it and it works.
A very large part of my problem with taking the medication is that it takes control of my feelings out of my hands. I have said for years that I don’t like to feel feelings and that is only partly true. What I actually want to be able to do is have control over my feelings so that I don’t cry in public, or get my feelings hurt so easily, or any of the other millions of unpleasant things that happen because we have human emotions. The issue is that when left to my own devices, I feel too many things and it’s hard to control. I’m an emotional person and I always have been. I’m prone to going into some pretty deep depressions, just like a lot of other people do. My feelings are easily hurt, I get disappointed because sometimes I expect too much and things don’t turn out the way I hoped, and I sometimes get crushing, achingly lonely. Thing is, I think most people feel like I do, only instead of taking it in stride as part of the human condition, it can feel to me like a weakness. I know I don’t have control over much in this life, so my desire to control my feelings is one of those things I reach for and unfortunately, it isn’t a skill I’m good at. I mostly try to hide that part of me by dealing with my shit outside of the public eye, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel things. I’m a big, squishy marshmallow of a person when I wish I was more of a rock, ya know?
So, enter the panic attacks. If you want to know what it’s like not to have control over anything in your own brain, please have a panic attack. It’s literally as if every fear, every emotion, every bad thing that might happen piles up on top of you and tries to smother you. You can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t control your body’s reactions...it sucks. A lot of people see them as being the product of a weak person, but in reality, chronic anxiety attacks are a weird brain chemical thing. My grandmother had them, and unfortunately that was one of the prizes I got in the family genetic lottery. Personally, I’d have rather gotten blue eyes, but I had no say in the matter. She was on primitive medication to control her anxiety for longer than I’ve been alive, and she handled it.
I have to be on my own medication so that I can function. Do I like it, absolutely not. There are side effects that I hate. Instead of having too many emotions, I currently have this fairly level baseline that can occasionally be disrupted either in good ways or bad ways. Instead of having a whole palette of colorful, vivid emotions, I now have a few muted colors that I can mix and match to paint my life with and for a person like me, that isn’t what I prefer. I want the colors and textures and all of that, but I want to be in complete control of the picture that I paint. The physical effects the medicine has on me sucks. The inability to focus sucks. Gaining weight sucks. Feeling like things and people that I know are very, very, very important to me are fading or faraway SUCKS. Not having a normal brain sucks the worst.
All that being said, here is why I’m writing this...(finally, heh.)
Sometimes we need a little help. Chances are, I won’t be on this medication for the rest of my life. There are a million things that can effect your brain chemicals, and maybe mine are just temporarily out of whack. These meds aren’t ruining my life. They are a small inconvenience. I don’t want anyone to read the things I write about being on medication for my issues and think that it’s too scary to get help if they need it. I don’t want someone who might be depressed, or who has anxiety, or any number of other things not to get help because the idea of being on medication for a mental illness, or a temporary (or not so temporary) depression isn’t worth it. If you need help, please go and get it. Side effects are unpleasant, but so are violent anxiety attacks and deep, deep depressions. Sure, you can diet and exercise and distract yourself in lots of ways, and if that works for you, trust me, I’m thrilled for you. But sometimes a person needs more than that, and if you find that all of the other stuff doesn’t work and you are miserable, please bite the bullet and go see a doctor. You may only need to talk to someone impartial to your life and medication won’t be necessary, but if you do need to take something, it isn’t a weakness.
Now, does this mean I’m going to stop bitching about the side effects of my medicine? Absolutely not! Haha! Talking about what it is doing to me helps me to deal with it. However, it might not effect you or anyone else in the same way, so don’t take my bitching about it as a sign that you shouldn’t take your own meds if you really need them.
If you need help, please go and get it. Live your best life, even if that means you have to take a detour now and again with therapy or medication to reach it.
I have been telling you guys about the medicine I’m on for my panic attacks, and how I don’t like it. I don’t like it, but the thing is, I need it. I need it and it works.
A very large part of my problem with taking the medication is that it takes control of my feelings out of my hands. I have said for years that I don’t like to feel feelings and that is only partly true. What I actually want to be able to do is have control over my feelings so that I don’t cry in public, or get my feelings hurt so easily, or any of the other millions of unpleasant things that happen because we have human emotions. The issue is that when left to my own devices, I feel too many things and it’s hard to control. I’m an emotional person and I always have been. I’m prone to going into some pretty deep depressions, just like a lot of other people do. My feelings are easily hurt, I get disappointed because sometimes I expect too much and things don’t turn out the way I hoped, and I sometimes get crushing, achingly lonely. Thing is, I think most people feel like I do, only instead of taking it in stride as part of the human condition, it can feel to me like a weakness. I know I don’t have control over much in this life, so my desire to control my feelings is one of those things I reach for and unfortunately, it isn’t a skill I’m good at. I mostly try to hide that part of me by dealing with my shit outside of the public eye, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel things. I’m a big, squishy marshmallow of a person when I wish I was more of a rock, ya know?
So, enter the panic attacks. If you want to know what it’s like not to have control over anything in your own brain, please have a panic attack. It’s literally as if every fear, every emotion, every bad thing that might happen piles up on top of you and tries to smother you. You can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t control your body’s reactions...it sucks. A lot of people see them as being the product of a weak person, but in reality, chronic anxiety attacks are a weird brain chemical thing. My grandmother had them, and unfortunately that was one of the prizes I got in the family genetic lottery. Personally, I’d have rather gotten blue eyes, but I had no say in the matter. She was on primitive medication to control her anxiety for longer than I’ve been alive, and she handled it.
I have to be on my own medication so that I can function. Do I like it, absolutely not. There are side effects that I hate. Instead of having too many emotions, I currently have this fairly level baseline that can occasionally be disrupted either in good ways or bad ways. Instead of having a whole palette of colorful, vivid emotions, I now have a few muted colors that I can mix and match to paint my life with and for a person like me, that isn’t what I prefer. I want the colors and textures and all of that, but I want to be in complete control of the picture that I paint. The physical effects the medicine has on me sucks. The inability to focus sucks. Gaining weight sucks. Feeling like things and people that I know are very, very, very important to me are fading or faraway SUCKS. Not having a normal brain sucks the worst.
All that being said, here is why I’m writing this...(finally, heh.)
Sometimes we need a little help. Chances are, I won’t be on this medication for the rest of my life. There are a million things that can effect your brain chemicals, and maybe mine are just temporarily out of whack. These meds aren’t ruining my life. They are a small inconvenience. I don’t want anyone to read the things I write about being on medication for my issues and think that it’s too scary to get help if they need it. I don’t want someone who might be depressed, or who has anxiety, or any number of other things not to get help because the idea of being on medication for a mental illness, or a temporary (or not so temporary) depression isn’t worth it. If you need help, please go and get it. Side effects are unpleasant, but so are violent anxiety attacks and deep, deep depressions. Sure, you can diet and exercise and distract yourself in lots of ways, and if that works for you, trust me, I’m thrilled for you. But sometimes a person needs more than that, and if you find that all of the other stuff doesn’t work and you are miserable, please bite the bullet and go see a doctor. You may only need to talk to someone impartial to your life and medication won’t be necessary, but if you do need to take something, it isn’t a weakness.
Now, does this mean I’m going to stop bitching about the side effects of my medicine? Absolutely not! Haha! Talking about what it is doing to me helps me to deal with it. However, it might not effect you or anyone else in the same way, so don’t take my bitching about it as a sign that you shouldn’t take your own meds if you really need them.
If you need help, please go and get it. Live your best life, even if that means you have to take a detour now and again with therapy or medication to reach it.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING
1) Y'all, I can't focus on anything these days. I'm sure it's the medication that I'm on, or at least it isn't helping things. I started writing something three weeks ago and never finished it, so I'm starting all over on something new. I don't like having the attention span on a chipmunk, but here we are.
2) Earlier this month, Steve and I went to Nerd Con, which is a small sci-fi/pop culture convention held at our local library. Our friend Anthony works there and he's on the board for the event, so we like to go and support him. We didn't stay long, but it was fun.
There was a woman there who is amazing at cosplay. She has very elaborate costumes that she makes herself, and she's been to several similar events in town before. It's all very impressive. She also had a booth where she sold things that she makes. In particular, she had some sci-fi themed fascinators (which are fancy hair pins with big flowers and such.) The lady in question happened to be dressed as a female Loki (from the Thor movies) and her costume was heavily corseted and, um.... very revealing in her upper mountainous region, if you get my drift. Like, she had some "huge tracts if land" and a great deal of that land was on display. I didn't realize any of this until I stopped at her booth and asked about her hair pins, so she took one off of the display and started showing me how to wear it. She held it up to her hair and then said "Or you could pin it on your dress" and began showing me all of the different places on her neckline where a flower pin might go. Now, I can appreciate huge tracts of land as much as anyone, but I don't need an in depth tour of all of it. She spent so much time pinning that thing on different parts of her chest that I was stuck between being uncomfortable for staring, and not wanting to be rude and look away while she was talking to me. There was one moment where I almost wanted to say "Your eyes are up there! Your eyes are up there!"
It didn't occur to me until much later that perhaps the lingering tour of her neckline was done for my benefit, and while I appreciate the thought, that kind of thing doesn't sway me one way or the other about buying things. Boobs hold no power over me! I have my own considerable weapons in that battle! And no, in the end I didn't buy a fascinator. I'd never have been able to put it in my hair without wondering if it had been in her cleavage.
3) We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year! As usual, we traveled to Georgia to spend time with Steve's family. There was a lot of cooking, a lot of laughing, and more napping than I probably should have done, but it was nice. I managed to stay off of my phone/iPad/computer more than I have in a really long time, so that was weird. All in all, it was a good trip and I hope we have a lot more of them still left to go. I'm incredibly lucky that the family I married into loves me so much, and that they are the kind of people I can love in return.
Steve had a business trip immediately following our visit over there, so Mr. Lee and I dropped him off at the airport in Atlanta (I hate that airport. I HATE IT!) and then we drove home together. We listed to Fox News (oy) part of the way home, and then we found a station on satellite radio that played old 1940's radio shows, so we listened to that the rest of the way. We didn't talk much, but that's OK! Comfortable silences are sometimes a blessing.
4) I had something called Bulletproof Coffee this morning. I've heard about it before, but I'd never seen it in ready made bottles, so I bought a couple of them to see what it was like. I'm not certain what the deal with bulletproof coffee is, except that instead of milk or cream, it has butter and coconut oil in it and it's supposed to be very smooth and make you less jittery than regular coffee, while still giving you an energy boost from the caffeine. According to their website it's supposed to give you energy from high quality fats instead of sugar. I don't know, it just sounded cool, so I got some. It didn't taste bad at all, but y'all...it was thick and very creamy, but not exactly in the most pleasant way. It was a little like drinking some kind of coffee flavored gravy, and although that sounds gross, it wasn't gross. However it was oily and it made me very sick to my stomach. Out of the 11 oz. that the container held, I was only able to drink about 5 oz before my body refused to take any more of it. I do have energy somewhat akin of a caffeine high, but I'm not shaking, so that's good. I have another bottle at home. I think I'll portion it out and see if that helps. It was expensive, so I'm going to finish it no matter what. Right now, though, I'm not looking forward to it. Bleck.
5) OK, and update of my medicine, since I mentioned it above. I'm doing ok, although I can defiantly tell a difference in how I feel and think. I will say this first: the panic attacks haven't been as bad, although I'm still having them almost every morning. Well, let me rephrase, I still have the physical symptoms of the panic attacks (some days worse than others) but my brain hasn't been latching on to that feeling and sending me full throttle into mental panic mode as often. Instead of thinking of the worst possible thing and worrying it to death, I manage to reroute those kind of thoughts into a different direction. I appreciate that. However, along with the inability to focus on anything longer than 45 minutes or so, I can tell my Give-A-Damn is broken. There are things and people I am very invested in, and I find myself forgetting about all of that stuff from time to time. I really, really don't want to forget about any of them, but sometimes my brain goes into white-noise mode and I find myself not thinking of anything for stretches of time. I think that's why I like being on my iPad so much, because it gives me something to engage with. I also have zero motivation to do anything, which is bad. I still don't want to get out of bed, or go many places, or do anything most of the time, so I have to force myself to do all of these things. I don't like that, but it's like the part of my brain that contained my "get up and go" has gotten up and left without me. This doesn't help the gaining weight part, either. I'm still doing that, which sucks. Mostly I feel ok, but I'm so tired all of the time and if I sit still too long I'll go to sleep. It's all very strange, but I go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks and hopefully she will adjust what needs to be adjusted and I can go back to being a real girl again. Stupid anxiety disorder. Stupid medicine. Stupid brain. Just keep your fingers crossed for me!
6) Ooh! I finished a whole blog post in one sitting! Maybe there is something to this bulletproof coffee after all! :)
2) Earlier this month, Steve and I went to Nerd Con, which is a small sci-fi/pop culture convention held at our local library. Our friend Anthony works there and he's on the board for the event, so we like to go and support him. We didn't stay long, but it was fun.
There was a woman there who is amazing at cosplay. She has very elaborate costumes that she makes herself, and she's been to several similar events in town before. It's all very impressive. She also had a booth where she sold things that she makes. In particular, she had some sci-fi themed fascinators (which are fancy hair pins with big flowers and such.) The lady in question happened to be dressed as a female Loki (from the Thor movies) and her costume was heavily corseted and, um.... very revealing in her upper mountainous region, if you get my drift. Like, she had some "huge tracts if land" and a great deal of that land was on display. I didn't realize any of this until I stopped at her booth and asked about her hair pins, so she took one off of the display and started showing me how to wear it. She held it up to her hair and then said "Or you could pin it on your dress" and began showing me all of the different places on her neckline where a flower pin might go. Now, I can appreciate huge tracts of land as much as anyone, but I don't need an in depth tour of all of it. She spent so much time pinning that thing on different parts of her chest that I was stuck between being uncomfortable for staring, and not wanting to be rude and look away while she was talking to me. There was one moment where I almost wanted to say "Your eyes are up there! Your eyes are up there!"
It didn't occur to me until much later that perhaps the lingering tour of her neckline was done for my benefit, and while I appreciate the thought, that kind of thing doesn't sway me one way or the other about buying things. Boobs hold no power over me! I have my own considerable weapons in that battle! And no, in the end I didn't buy a fascinator. I'd never have been able to put it in my hair without wondering if it had been in her cleavage.
3) We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year! As usual, we traveled to Georgia to spend time with Steve's family. There was a lot of cooking, a lot of laughing, and more napping than I probably should have done, but it was nice. I managed to stay off of my phone/iPad/computer more than I have in a really long time, so that was weird. All in all, it was a good trip and I hope we have a lot more of them still left to go. I'm incredibly lucky that the family I married into loves me so much, and that they are the kind of people I can love in return.
Steve had a business trip immediately following our visit over there, so Mr. Lee and I dropped him off at the airport in Atlanta (I hate that airport. I HATE IT!) and then we drove home together. We listed to Fox News (oy) part of the way home, and then we found a station on satellite radio that played old 1940's radio shows, so we listened to that the rest of the way. We didn't talk much, but that's OK! Comfortable silences are sometimes a blessing.
4) I had something called Bulletproof Coffee this morning. I've heard about it before, but I'd never seen it in ready made bottles, so I bought a couple of them to see what it was like. I'm not certain what the deal with bulletproof coffee is, except that instead of milk or cream, it has butter and coconut oil in it and it's supposed to be very smooth and make you less jittery than regular coffee, while still giving you an energy boost from the caffeine. According to their website it's supposed to give you energy from high quality fats instead of sugar. I don't know, it just sounded cool, so I got some. It didn't taste bad at all, but y'all...it was thick and very creamy, but not exactly in the most pleasant way. It was a little like drinking some kind of coffee flavored gravy, and although that sounds gross, it wasn't gross. However it was oily and it made me very sick to my stomach. Out of the 11 oz. that the container held, I was only able to drink about 5 oz before my body refused to take any more of it. I do have energy somewhat akin of a caffeine high, but I'm not shaking, so that's good. I have another bottle at home. I think I'll portion it out and see if that helps. It was expensive, so I'm going to finish it no matter what. Right now, though, I'm not looking forward to it. Bleck.
5) OK, and update of my medicine, since I mentioned it above. I'm doing ok, although I can defiantly tell a difference in how I feel and think. I will say this first: the panic attacks haven't been as bad, although I'm still having them almost every morning. Well, let me rephrase, I still have the physical symptoms of the panic attacks (some days worse than others) but my brain hasn't been latching on to that feeling and sending me full throttle into mental panic mode as often. Instead of thinking of the worst possible thing and worrying it to death, I manage to reroute those kind of thoughts into a different direction. I appreciate that. However, along with the inability to focus on anything longer than 45 minutes or so, I can tell my Give-A-Damn is broken. There are things and people I am very invested in, and I find myself forgetting about all of that stuff from time to time. I really, really don't want to forget about any of them, but sometimes my brain goes into white-noise mode and I find myself not thinking of anything for stretches of time. I think that's why I like being on my iPad so much, because it gives me something to engage with. I also have zero motivation to do anything, which is bad. I still don't want to get out of bed, or go many places, or do anything most of the time, so I have to force myself to do all of these things. I don't like that, but it's like the part of my brain that contained my "get up and go" has gotten up and left without me. This doesn't help the gaining weight part, either. I'm still doing that, which sucks. Mostly I feel ok, but I'm so tired all of the time and if I sit still too long I'll go to sleep. It's all very strange, but I go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks and hopefully she will adjust what needs to be adjusted and I can go back to being a real girl again. Stupid anxiety disorder. Stupid medicine. Stupid brain. Just keep your fingers crossed for me!
6) Ooh! I finished a whole blog post in one sitting! Maybe there is something to this bulletproof coffee after all! :)
Monday, October 30, 2017
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING
1) Saturday evening, Steve and I attended a wedding out in Big Spring Park. We didn't really know the couple, but Steve was hired to play his trumpet as an accompaniment to the pianist (who is the pianist at our church and stepmother to the bride.) It was a lovely ceremony and Steve sounded great.
Y'all...it was cold.
It was, at most, 49 degrees. We were sitting right on the edge of the water and the wind was blowing. I felt sorry for the bridesmaids, because none of them were wearing sleeves! I was wearing a long sleeved dress, boots, a thick coat and a scarf and I was still cold. Steve had it even worse because he had to keep his horn warm and wasn't wearing gloves or a coat. Granted, I know October in the South is usually still warm, but this was not a usual warm October day. There were maw maws out there that had to be wrapped in blankets! How will that couple feel if someone's grandmother dies because they got pneumonia sitting outside at their wedding?
Couples take everyone's life in their hands when they get married outside in Alabama. If you're reading this and are considering having an outdoor wedding, just...no. Please. You'll either get everyone killed in a tornado, choke them on pollen, they will fry to death, or they'll freeze. Alabama is not a place where being outdoors is pleasant except for just a few days a season. You can't possibly know which days they will be! We live in the Bible Belt. You can find a church on every corner, some of which are air conditioned! If you aren't particularly religious, there are many interesting and beautiful historical locations, or even places of local interest that host weddings - ALL INDOORS! Take pity on the people you have invited to your nuptials. Think of the maw maws.
2) We had our annual church picnic yesterday and I got to run the cotton candy booth again! I like doing that. It's fun. Not only do I get to run a machine that melts sugar, I get to hand over a wad of colored candy to smiling little kids. In fact, everyone I gave cotton candy to smiled. It was nice. You can't be mad or sad while eating cotton candy. I enjoyed myself. I also don't want to eat cotton candy again for a very long time.
What I didn't enjoy was the wind. It was cold outside and the wind was blowing, and even though the machine had a hood over it, the wind would get inside of it and blow the candy all over me. I was plated with it. It was in my hair and on my clothes and stuck to my face! Even my eyelashes were sticky with it. I tried combing my hair when I got home and I couldn't get the comb to go through my hair at all. It was gross. Silver lining, though, I smelled heavenly and if you licked my face, you'd get a sugar high!
3) here's a mini update on my brother: He's actually doing a bit better than he was. He's able to drink a little bit, and he seems to feel a little bit better. He does still get sick every few days, but not as badly as he was before. Thanks for all of the positive vibes, and keep them coming.
Y'all...it was cold.
It was, at most, 49 degrees. We were sitting right on the edge of the water and the wind was blowing. I felt sorry for the bridesmaids, because none of them were wearing sleeves! I was wearing a long sleeved dress, boots, a thick coat and a scarf and I was still cold. Steve had it even worse because he had to keep his horn warm and wasn't wearing gloves or a coat. Granted, I know October in the South is usually still warm, but this was not a usual warm October day. There were maw maws out there that had to be wrapped in blankets! How will that couple feel if someone's grandmother dies because they got pneumonia sitting outside at their wedding?
Couples take everyone's life in their hands when they get married outside in Alabama. If you're reading this and are considering having an outdoor wedding, just...no. Please. You'll either get everyone killed in a tornado, choke them on pollen, they will fry to death, or they'll freeze. Alabama is not a place where being outdoors is pleasant except for just a few days a season. You can't possibly know which days they will be! We live in the Bible Belt. You can find a church on every corner, some of which are air conditioned! If you aren't particularly religious, there are many interesting and beautiful historical locations, or even places of local interest that host weddings - ALL INDOORS! Take pity on the people you have invited to your nuptials. Think of the maw maws.
2) We had our annual church picnic yesterday and I got to run the cotton candy booth again! I like doing that. It's fun. Not only do I get to run a machine that melts sugar, I get to hand over a wad of colored candy to smiling little kids. In fact, everyone I gave cotton candy to smiled. It was nice. You can't be mad or sad while eating cotton candy. I enjoyed myself. I also don't want to eat cotton candy again for a very long time.
What I didn't enjoy was the wind. It was cold outside and the wind was blowing, and even though the machine had a hood over it, the wind would get inside of it and blow the candy all over me. I was plated with it. It was in my hair and on my clothes and stuck to my face! Even my eyelashes were sticky with it. I tried combing my hair when I got home and I couldn't get the comb to go through my hair at all. It was gross. Silver lining, though, I smelled heavenly and if you licked my face, you'd get a sugar high!
3) here's a mini update on my brother: He's actually doing a bit better than he was. He's able to drink a little bit, and he seems to feel a little bit better. He does still get sick every few days, but not as badly as he was before. Thanks for all of the positive vibes, and keep them coming.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
A QUICKY
Heehee. The other day I was taking some pictures of pictures that we have hanging in our hallway (the official photo gallery of every American suburban family.) Steve and I have exactly one picture from our wedding on display in the house, and not many people have ever seen it, so I thought I'd post it to Facebook. We've been married a long time, so I don't usually post wedding pictures, but I thought this one was cute. Steve had hair, we looked happy, yadda yadda yadda...
Lots of people liked it, because of course they did. Who doesn't like a good wedding picture? But people have been telling us "Happy Anniversary!" all week. Our anniversary is in November! Of course they don't know that, because why should they, but now I wonder if I should post anything in November about our actual anniversary. I don't want embarrass anyone who has told us happy anniversary already. They are so sincere about it that I hate to tell them they're wrong.
Eh, I'll just tell Steve happy anniversary in private. Like some kind of psychopath.
Lots of people liked it, because of course they did. Who doesn't like a good wedding picture? But people have been telling us "Happy Anniversary!" all week. Our anniversary is in November! Of course they don't know that, because why should they, but now I wonder if I should post anything in November about our actual anniversary. I don't want embarrass anyone who has told us happy anniversary already. They are so sincere about it that I hate to tell them they're wrong.
Eh, I'll just tell Steve happy anniversary in private. Like some kind of psychopath.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
WELL THAT WAS WEIRD
Yesterday was the first day of the work week for us, since Monday was Columbus Day and our offices were closed.
One of the first things I always do is to open the church's email to see if there is anything important that came in over the weekend. So I opened Outlook and the emails began to load. One of the first ones I noticed was from last Friday, and it stuck out because it was from a real person and not an organization. It was an inquiry from a local mom about our yearly Fall Festival, which, modest as it is, it is kind of a big deal for some of the kids in the neighborhood.
I was just about to answer the message when I saw a second message from the same sender, which had arrived on Monday when the offices were closed, and in the preview line for the message, it said "Are you sure?"
I opened the second message and read it, and it said "Are you sure? The website said it would be on the 29th." I looked down a little further, and saw that I had written something along the lines of "Hi! It will be on November 1st." I was completely confused, because A) I had not received or sent a message to/from this woman at any point last week, B) clearly I had written this woman back, because the evidence was right there, and C) That isn't the right date at all.
You know how sometimes a thing will happen, and you start questioning your own sanity? Well, I sat there reading my own words and began to wonder if I actually had been at work on Monday and just didn't remember. I remembered sleeping in, I remembered Steve making breakfast, and I remembered going to Best Buy on Monday, but maybe that was all a weird hallucination! I got that weird feeling in my stomach like I was about to find out the world was fake and I was nothing more than a brain in a jar hooked up to a battery or something.
I finally decided to re-read the entire message and saw that, yes, the woman had written the original email last Friday, October 5th. My reply was written on October 9th...but in 2015. I have no idea what happened, but the lady had apparently written me the same question and message two years before, and had actually replied to a 2 year old response. I don't know if I was more confused at that, or that she apparently still had my 2015 message in her inbox to reply to.
Anyway, I thought that was weird. I deleted her messages and didn't write back, just in case there was some type of time warp thing and by sending her another email, I'd tear a hole in the space-time continuum. Safety first!
One of the first things I always do is to open the church's email to see if there is anything important that came in over the weekend. So I opened Outlook and the emails began to load. One of the first ones I noticed was from last Friday, and it stuck out because it was from a real person and not an organization. It was an inquiry from a local mom about our yearly Fall Festival, which, modest as it is, it is kind of a big deal for some of the kids in the neighborhood.
I was just about to answer the message when I saw a second message from the same sender, which had arrived on Monday when the offices were closed, and in the preview line for the message, it said "Are you sure?"
I opened the second message and read it, and it said "Are you sure? The website said it would be on the 29th." I looked down a little further, and saw that I had written something along the lines of "Hi! It will be on November 1st." I was completely confused, because A) I had not received or sent a message to/from this woman at any point last week, B) clearly I had written this woman back, because the evidence was right there, and C) That isn't the right date at all.
You know how sometimes a thing will happen, and you start questioning your own sanity? Well, I sat there reading my own words and began to wonder if I actually had been at work on Monday and just didn't remember. I remembered sleeping in, I remembered Steve making breakfast, and I remembered going to Best Buy on Monday, but maybe that was all a weird hallucination! I got that weird feeling in my stomach like I was about to find out the world was fake and I was nothing more than a brain in a jar hooked up to a battery or something.
I finally decided to re-read the entire message and saw that, yes, the woman had written the original email last Friday, October 5th. My reply was written on October 9th...but in 2015. I have no idea what happened, but the lady had apparently written me the same question and message two years before, and had actually replied to a 2 year old response. I don't know if I was more confused at that, or that she apparently still had my 2015 message in her inbox to reply to.
Anyway, I thought that was weird. I deleted her messages and didn't write back, just in case there was some type of time warp thing and by sending her another email, I'd tear a hole in the space-time continuum. Safety first!
Tuesday, October 03, 2017
HAPPY CHEESE
I found a new YouTube channel that I love to watch. I don't even know why I like it, but it's very soothing for some reason.
I have no idea how I came across these videos, but then, sometimes on YouTube you go to watch a scene from Ferris Beuller, fall down a rabbit hole of videos, and wind up watching a how-to video on home circumcision. (Right? That's happened to more than just me?)
Anyway, these videos are by an outfit called "James Townsend and Sons" and, according to their website they are "a manufacturer and retailer of quality reproduction 18th and early 19th Century clothing and personal accessories." They are located in Pierceton, IN, and from what I understand, sell their merchandise to historical reenactors and the like.
The main guy, James, does 18th and early 19th century cooking, using actual recipes from those times, and usually he tries to do them using the tools and techniques that would have been used back then. He sometimes stirs things with sticks. I don't know why I like it so much, but it's very interesting. He's gone to other historical places, kind of like Constitution Hall Village or Colonial Williamsburg type places, and he gets workers from there to show him how to make things from their particular area. He also seems to have a thing for nutmeg.
Also, the guy is so freaking EARNEST and excited about what he's doing that I can't help but enjoy watching him. I don't know if any of you like watching people cook, much less historical cooking stuff, but this man is fun to watch just because he seems to be so in love with what he's doing. He reminds me of Bob Ross a little, only less soft spoken.
Why am I telling you about this? I dunno. I like it, so I'm telling you in case you might like it, too. It's call sharing, CAROL!
In case you're bored one day, or develop a need to know how to make boiled puddings, you should go and watch a couple of videos.
Enjoy!
I have no idea how I came across these videos, but then, sometimes on YouTube you go to watch a scene from Ferris Beuller, fall down a rabbit hole of videos, and wind up watching a how-to video on home circumcision. (Right? That's happened to more than just me?)
Anyway, these videos are by an outfit called "James Townsend and Sons" and, according to their website they are "a manufacturer and retailer of quality reproduction 18th and early 19th Century clothing and personal accessories." They are located in Pierceton, IN, and from what I understand, sell their merchandise to historical reenactors and the like.
The main guy, James, does 18th and early 19th century cooking, using actual recipes from those times, and usually he tries to do them using the tools and techniques that would have been used back then. He sometimes stirs things with sticks. I don't know why I like it so much, but it's very interesting. He's gone to other historical places, kind of like Constitution Hall Village or Colonial Williamsburg type places, and he gets workers from there to show him how to make things from their particular area. He also seems to have a thing for nutmeg.
Also, the guy is so freaking EARNEST and excited about what he's doing that I can't help but enjoy watching him. I don't know if any of you like watching people cook, much less historical cooking stuff, but this man is fun to watch just because he seems to be so in love with what he's doing. He reminds me of Bob Ross a little, only less soft spoken.
Why am I telling you about this? I dunno. I like it, so I'm telling you in case you might like it, too. It's call sharing, CAROL!
In case you're bored one day, or develop a need to know how to make boiled puddings, you should go and watch a couple of videos.
Enjoy!
Sunday, October 01, 2017
QUICKY - WHERE AM I?
I've been almost sick most of the weekend. Nothing terrible, but whatever I have made me feel yucky enough to miss church today.
After making sure someone would be able to cover the sound booth for services, and letting the others who'd be calling to track me down know what was going on - because that's what happens when you work for a church, I went back to bed and have been dozing off and on all morning.
Every time I doze off, I have a dream I wake up in a bed someplace else. When I wake up, I am back in my own bed. At least, I think that's what is going on. Maybe I'm in one of those other beds and am dreaming I'm waking up in this bed. I'm so confused.
I also dreamed I went to a football game with the wife of a friend of mine, but I'm pretty sure that actually was a dream.
Maybe I'm in the matrix. Someone send me Keanu Reeves.
After making sure someone would be able to cover the sound booth for services, and letting the others who'd be calling to track me down know what was going on - because that's what happens when you work for a church, I went back to bed and have been dozing off and on all morning.
Every time I doze off, I have a dream I wake up in a bed someplace else. When I wake up, I am back in my own bed. At least, I think that's what is going on. Maybe I'm in one of those other beds and am dreaming I'm waking up in this bed. I'm so confused.
I also dreamed I went to a football game with the wife of a friend of mine, but I'm pretty sure that actually was a dream.
Maybe I'm in the matrix. Someone send me Keanu Reeves.
Friday, September 29, 2017
THINKLINGS
1) The funeral went well, thank you for asking. I managed to get the service in order and everything went smoothly as far as I could tell. Doing A/V for a funeral is as nerve wracking as it is doing it for someone's wedding, because if you play the wrong song, or a video doesn't play at the right time, you can't just say "Hey, hold up! Gimme a second!" Luckily, that didn't happen!
During the song I was concerned about, I took a ball point pen and stabbed myself in the leg with it, so I managed to not cry as much as I might have. It's not a bad trick, but my leg hurt for the rest of the day! Haha!
2) The other day I had too much caffeine and was overly enthusiastic in my greeting to the UPS man. It was uncomfortable.
Also, our UPS man is very nice and he remembers my name, but I don't know his name, but I can't ask him at this point because it would be awkward to admit I don't know it.
3) A small update on my brother. I saw him last week, and although he is slowing down and sleeping more and more, the hospice nurses say that his vitals are pretty good and he seems to be in good spirits. Please continue to keep him and my mom in mind, because this situation is still very tough.
4) I had to buy a new wedding band, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I don't wear my original wedding band and although I already had two alternate rings, one is too small and the other belonged to my grandmother and I'm too scared to wear it because I don't want to lose it!
I went to Wal-Mart (don't judge me) because I knew that they had cheap rings there, and I picked out a wide silver band. I think it might be a man's ring, though, because it's very thick and not-at-all feminine. It feels like I'm wearing a hula hoop on my hand. It's also very shiny, which makes me feel self conscious! Eh, well, it fits, and people can see it, so everyone will know I am married. That's what they're for, right?
I guess I could have shelled out for a few diamond stack rings or something, but why be vulgar, dahling? Haha! I'll worry about having diamonds when I'm older and have paid off more bills.
5) I wore some metallic green lipstick to work to mess with my boss. That probably sounds kind of silly, but you have to understand, the pastor at my church is easily distracted by anything even the slightest bit unusual, so I felt it was my duty to play this little joke. Unfortunately, he didn't come into work, so I figured my coworker (who is also usually very observant and critical about anything even slightly unusual) would get a kick out of it.
Either he never noticed it, or he was not in the mood, because even though we had a conversation, he never mentioned it. I was honestly surprised, because it is exactly the kind of thing he'd normally jump right on to. I was determined to play it out, even though I looked ridiculous, but he never said anything. I finally had to try and take it off, because eating breakfast was smearing it around. I say I "tired" to take it off, because the stupid stuff stained my lips. I looked like I'd either been deprived of oxygen, or that I'd had a hot date with Kermit the Frog.
*EDIT: The pastor came to work late and noticed that my lips were the wrong color, even though the lipstick was gone. I am TICKED that he didn't get to see them green! It would have been funny.
6) OK, about the otters and why I abandoned them for a bit: Someone told me (innocently, of course) that otters do terrible things. I googled what it was, and yes, some otters do terrible things to baby seals. I couldn't get that out of my head for a while, so every time I saw otters, I thought of what I had learned about them. I mean, yeah, that's silly, but since I used pictures of otters to kind of forget
about the bad things of the world, it was no fun to think "Oh, how cute! Well, except for the ones who do these terrible things! In fact, forget how cute they are! They do terrible things!" That is, unfortunately, the way my mind works sometimes. Heh. Anyway, I've come to terms with the fact that, just like people, some of them are bastards and some are adorable, so I'm going to focus on the adorable ones.
They make me feel better. Shut up.
7) Sometimes I make poor choices. I hope you fine people can still love me in spite of that.
During the song I was concerned about, I took a ball point pen and stabbed myself in the leg with it, so I managed to not cry as much as I might have. It's not a bad trick, but my leg hurt for the rest of the day! Haha!
2) The other day I had too much caffeine and was overly enthusiastic in my greeting to the UPS man. It was uncomfortable.
Also, our UPS man is very nice and he remembers my name, but I don't know his name, but I can't ask him at this point because it would be awkward to admit I don't know it.
3) A small update on my brother. I saw him last week, and although he is slowing down and sleeping more and more, the hospice nurses say that his vitals are pretty good and he seems to be in good spirits. Please continue to keep him and my mom in mind, because this situation is still very tough.
4) I had to buy a new wedding band, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I don't wear my original wedding band and although I already had two alternate rings, one is too small and the other belonged to my grandmother and I'm too scared to wear it because I don't want to lose it!
I went to Wal-Mart (don't judge me) because I knew that they had cheap rings there, and I picked out a wide silver band. I think it might be a man's ring, though, because it's very thick and not-at-all feminine. It feels like I'm wearing a hula hoop on my hand. It's also very shiny, which makes me feel self conscious! Eh, well, it fits, and people can see it, so everyone will know I am married. That's what they're for, right?
I guess I could have shelled out for a few diamond stack rings or something, but why be vulgar, dahling? Haha! I'll worry about having diamonds when I'm older and have paid off more bills.
5) I wore some metallic green lipstick to work to mess with my boss. That probably sounds kind of silly, but you have to understand, the pastor at my church is easily distracted by anything even the slightest bit unusual, so I felt it was my duty to play this little joke. Unfortunately, he didn't come into work, so I figured my coworker (who is also usually very observant and critical about anything even slightly unusual) would get a kick out of it.
Either he never noticed it, or he was not in the mood, because even though we had a conversation, he never mentioned it. I was honestly surprised, because it is exactly the kind of thing he'd normally jump right on to. I was determined to play it out, even though I looked ridiculous, but he never said anything. I finally had to try and take it off, because eating breakfast was smearing it around. I say I "tired" to take it off, because the stupid stuff stained my lips. I looked like I'd either been deprived of oxygen, or that I'd had a hot date with Kermit the Frog.
*EDIT: The pastor came to work late and noticed that my lips were the wrong color, even though the lipstick was gone. I am TICKED that he didn't get to see them green! It would have been funny.
6) OK, about the otters and why I abandoned them for a bit: Someone told me (innocently, of course) that otters do terrible things. I googled what it was, and yes, some otters do terrible things to baby seals. I couldn't get that out of my head for a while, so every time I saw otters, I thought of what I had learned about them. I mean, yeah, that's silly, but since I used pictures of otters to kind of forget
about the bad things of the world, it was no fun to think "Oh, how cute! Well, except for the ones who do these terrible things! In fact, forget how cute they are! They do terrible things!" That is, unfortunately, the way my mind works sometimes. Heh. Anyway, I've come to terms with the fact that, just like people, some of them are bastards and some are adorable, so I'm going to focus on the adorable ones.
They make me feel better. Shut up.
7) Sometimes I make poor choices. I hope you fine people can still love me in spite of that.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'm taking otters back! I don't care if some of them commit atrocities! I think they're adorable and they make me feel better when I'm sad.
I'm not even sad right now, but I'm still putting up an otter because it's cute!
Never let anyone take away your otters.
That is all.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
TEN YEARS
It occurred to me a couple of days ago that it will have been 10 years ago this coming Sunday (October 1st) that my father passed away.
It probably sounds odd to say that it "occurred" to me, because it seems like I should have the dates marked on a calendar, but really, missing someone doesn't work like that. Well, at least not for me. There really isn't a timeline in grief, it just is. It goes back and forth between better and worse over and over, like the tides, but it never goes away. Even though you are aware of the days and hours, it also runs altogether into one big wash of time.
Ten years, though. Somehow it seems like it just happened yesterday and sometimes it feels like it happened a hundred years ago. Haha, how's that for a cliche?
I don't remember a whole lot about that time, because everything seemed so unreal, but the things I do remember are hard set in my mind. Sara brought food to my mom's house and Steve had to bring me clothes - but nothing he brought fit exactly right. A friend from church came by my mom's house and I was confused because I didn't know how she knew where I was. Kenny came to my dad's visitation, stayed to the very end, and was the first person to make me laugh in days. His mom, Bonita, wrote me the kindest letter afterwards because she knew what it was like to lose a father unexpectedly. Our cousins Greg, Amy, and Kristin drove three hours to be there for the funeral, and Steve's boss sent a basket of beautiful flowers. It's weird what you remember about times like that, but those are all wonderful things to remember about such an awful time, so I'm glad those memories stayed.
Thinking about his passing has also made me think of the past ten years and everything that has happened. I wonder what he'd think about all of it? For at least the five years following his death, every year I lost so much and so much changed. I changed. I'm not the same person that I was, and it makes me wonder if he would even like me now. I hope so! It's hard not to let yourself become hard and cynical when you're faced with certain things, but would him being here to talk to have made any of that better? I dunno.
Heh, I actually started out hoping to wrote an eloquent, heartfelt ode to my dad, but it didn't end up being that, did it? That's ok, though. Some people would be much better at expressing themselves than I am, but for me, all I can say is that I miss him and I wish he was here. I'll probably always feel that way.
One thing I've learned through his death and all that followed is that losing someone you love doesn't really get easier. It doesn't matter if they die, if they just lose touch, or if your relationship with them changes in some significant, but diminished, way. If you ever truly cared anything about them, it hurts when that happens. It's unfair that people can suddenly be out of your life before you're finished loving them.
And that's all I've got to say about that.
It probably sounds odd to say that it "occurred" to me, because it seems like I should have the dates marked on a calendar, but really, missing someone doesn't work like that. Well, at least not for me. There really isn't a timeline in grief, it just is. It goes back and forth between better and worse over and over, like the tides, but it never goes away. Even though you are aware of the days and hours, it also runs altogether into one big wash of time.
Ten years, though. Somehow it seems like it just happened yesterday and sometimes it feels like it happened a hundred years ago. Haha, how's that for a cliche?
I don't remember a whole lot about that time, because everything seemed so unreal, but the things I do remember are hard set in my mind. Sara brought food to my mom's house and Steve had to bring me clothes - but nothing he brought fit exactly right. A friend from church came by my mom's house and I was confused because I didn't know how she knew where I was. Kenny came to my dad's visitation, stayed to the very end, and was the first person to make me laugh in days. His mom, Bonita, wrote me the kindest letter afterwards because she knew what it was like to lose a father unexpectedly. Our cousins Greg, Amy, and Kristin drove three hours to be there for the funeral, and Steve's boss sent a basket of beautiful flowers. It's weird what you remember about times like that, but those are all wonderful things to remember about such an awful time, so I'm glad those memories stayed.
Thinking about his passing has also made me think of the past ten years and everything that has happened. I wonder what he'd think about all of it? For at least the five years following his death, every year I lost so much and so much changed. I changed. I'm not the same person that I was, and it makes me wonder if he would even like me now. I hope so! It's hard not to let yourself become hard and cynical when you're faced with certain things, but would him being here to talk to have made any of that better? I dunno.
Heh, I actually started out hoping to wrote an eloquent, heartfelt ode to my dad, but it didn't end up being that, did it? That's ok, though. Some people would be much better at expressing themselves than I am, but for me, all I can say is that I miss him and I wish he was here. I'll probably always feel that way.
One thing I've learned through his death and all that followed is that losing someone you love doesn't really get easier. It doesn't matter if they die, if they just lose touch, or if your relationship with them changes in some significant, but diminished, way. If you ever truly cared anything about them, it hurts when that happens. It's unfair that people can suddenly be out of your life before you're finished loving them.
And that's all I've got to say about that.
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